A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My dad and step mum both turn 60 this year and as their birthdays are two weeks apart they have decided to throw a joint party on the weekend in between their birthdays. They've never had a party before and I never see them on their actual birthdays as I live up north and have done for 8 years. Im 27 and ive never had a close relationship with them as my step mum never really accepted myself or my sister and my dad always chose her over us as kids but the past two years we've made amends and ive started to build a relationship with them and visit them regularly, although they never visit me.Now the issue I have is that the date of their party falls on my partners birthday. They didnt realise this when they booked the venue. Now normally as its a big milestone I would have still driven down to the party and hoped my partner didn't mind. However this year I am expecting our first baby whom will be 2 months old at the time of the party. The problem I have is that my partner is working the day before and day after the party and only has his birthday off, he cannot take anymore time off, so he cannot go down south to the party as it's too far away. he said he would be really upset if I took his child away on his first birthday as a dad ( I would have to go away for the whole three days due to the distance and also because im meant to be helping with the decorations and food) yet my step mum and dad said they would be really upset if I don't go to the party and suggested my partner just celebrates his birthday on a different day this year. What do I do? I wont leave my baby for 3 days with my partner when hes only 2 months old and I dont feel right taking my baby from his dad so soon, especially on his birthday. Yet I know its going to cause a big argument and upset with my dad etc and ive only just built a relationship with them. My step mum is a very difficult woman and can hold a grudge against someone for years - my sister has previously been banned from their house due to not visiting them very often. I also risk upsetting my sister as Im leaving her to organise and attend the party on her own, not that Im sure if id be much help as id be a new mum with a 2 month old anyway. What would anyone else do? I feel my loyalty lies towards my partner but is that selfish of me? If I don't go to the party, how and when do I tell them. (The party is in 6 months time). Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): Why people want to over complicate these things must have a desire for drama…Simple; forget about going to the party, as decorating and helping out with all that commotion will be too much for you by the sounds of it, so stay at home with your partner. Call them, send a card and gift to your folks and go visit your Dad on his actual Birth date as there’ll be less commotion about. Surely that much is doable if all goes well with having a Baby!?For now you’re just over thinking this whole Birthday event which is in 6 months time. Have the baby first and see how you feel after a few weeks after giving birth for the first time. Meanwhile the world is not going to come to an end over you not being there for their party. But thinking it will is causing you stress and anxiety. Speak to your Dad and Sister, keep in touch with your family and take one day at time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 Personally I think breastfeeding babies are more portable than not.
IF it was ME and I was fixing a bad patch with my dad I would go to the 60th birthday party. 60 is a milestone. I'm at the age I only celebrate birthdays that end in 5 or 0 and 60 is my next 0 birthday and I want a bash.....
My dad and stepmom are doing big events this year for their birthdays they both turn 80 this year...
I think that your partner can cope without the baby for three nights.. and then when you get home the following weekend you three can have a lovely PRIVATE celebration of his first birthday as a dad.... there will be many more.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 May 2014):
 This one is easy. Take your partner's birthday right out of it. (Though why all these grown ups are throwing tantrums about their birthdays puzzles me, insisting on celebrating on the day is so childish, to me. Anyhoo.)
The baby will be too young to travel aged 2months and you will still be breastfeeding and not able to get away for more than an hour or so anyway. "Alas, Stepmum and Dad, the timing just doesn't work for my baby's health and well-being at this time. Doctor was very specific about this with me, when I spoke with her. I am so sorry to have to miss the big event. We will come down and visit as a family when the baby is old enough to travel. I will do my very best to help my sister organize the party by making phone calls and."
By the way, if your parents are the ones throwing the party, why aren't they organizing it as well? Or was this your sister's idea?
I would take Dad aside and say that you have worked very hard to repair the relationship and that it would be a great pity if the hard work was destroyed by grudges, and that you would appreciate not being sent on an unwarranted guilt trip for not being able to be in two places at one time.
I would take partner aside and say that you have worked very hard to repair the relationship with your Dad and Stepmum and would appreciate not being sent on an unwarranted guilt trip for not being able to be in two places at one time.
Sounds like lots and lots of grudges being carefully nurtured over the years. I would refuse to board the guilt trip express, personally. I would be very clear with everyone that you are one person, doing your best and you cannot be in two places at one time and that you dislike being forced to choose between loved ones because they are behaving like children throwing tantrums because their birthdays aren't the most special ever ever so there nanny nanny boo boo. *stomping feet* and I'm going to hold my breath until I turn blue wah wah wah.
Stop being the scapegoat and stand up for yourself and your baby! What is best for the baby? That's what your priority should be, the grownups with all their birthdays can sort things out for themselves.
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