A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A man really wanted me some time back - about 3 years - but he wasn't to know that the timing was all very wrong. We went out a few times but just as something was about to start up I really backed off, without any explanation - partly this was because there had been no declaration on either of our parts of our feelings anyway. I think it really confused and hurt him but I was also not 100% sure he liked me as my self esteem was rock bottom - had it been any other man I would have known without doubt, but he is so amazing I couldn't believe he wanted me, even though it was blindingly obvious to anyone except me at the time. We never discussed it and it nearly killed me watching him confused and then grow distant for some time. We had to be around one another and I was consistently nice to him - inwardly I still really wanted him I had been falling in love with him but was too frightened of getting hurt. He must have been confused, but he knew nothing of my background which would shock anyone - I grew up in a violent family and my ex was violent towards me. He didn't know that this is why I backed off - I wasn't frightened of him but I didn't want to burden him with me and my troubles at that time. Also, I really, really did not want to spell out anything in advance, I didn't want to ruin anything by talking about it, I just wanted to let things happen if they were going to and I'm pretty sure he's the same.Since then he's gone from initially trying to avoid me whenever possible, to realising that I was just being consistently nice and not hurting him, so coming closer and then sometimes flirting with me more recently, but not like before, just cheekily. We went out for a drink and he was clearly keeping me in friend zone but also, I'm sure, still found me attractive just very careful not to overstep any boundary at all and to make that clear to me. I stupidly hadn't eaten anything and was going through the end of an incredibly traumatic time - finally getting my ex into rehab and so on - without telling him and got really drunk on about 3 glasses of wine - somehow I told him that I really liked him - understatement of the century - but I still didn't tell him just how much or about my ex being violent. I think by the time we went out he had decided that I was okay but he basically didn't trust me completely, found my behaviour too confusing. It makes sense that he would think this because I don't exactly put on an act, but I lack all confidence at times underneath seeming to be. I think he sensed a kind of mismatch and maybe thought I was flakey or just strange.Anyway, somehow we ended up discussing relationships and he said he thought I wanted "everything" and he wasn't sure that he could give that to me. When he said this I was really confused. But I think I know why he said this it's because everyone always thinks I'm really capable and ambitious because I work so hard to try to stop feeling so down and because I feel useless. I don't let anyone see my vulnerable side and so I tend to attract younger men who want a woman who can look after them, when that's the very last thing I want. I could have given the impression that I either wanted a full on relationship or nothing at all and this is why I backed off originally.For another reason entirely, I recently had no choice but to tell him about the violent ex and my upbringing. I was crying when I told him and very traumatised and he was truly shocked. A lot seemed to click into place between us although at times I bump into him he is still a bit awkward. Do you think a man, if he ever really wanted a woman badly and got hurt by her without knowing why could forgive and feel the same way towards her as he did before, once he understood what the problem was? Especially if he could see she's never deliberately hurt him? And when he said he 'wasn't sure' that he could give me what I needed - even though this was before he knew what was really going on - is this a way of saying "Look, I definitely cannot give you what you want but I'm letting you down gently'? or does it simply mean what it says and he's not sure?I know it might seem like I should just talk to him but I honestly hate the idea of killing off anything magical before it could begin. I really don't want to 'spell out' anything in words. At the moment he is just being really nice to me when he sees me - much warmer.
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ambition, confidence, drunk, flirt, my ex, self esteem, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Dear A female AnonymousThanks for taking the time to answer, I appreciate it.I do, however, feel that you've jumped to some conclusions about my behaviour - I'm really not very erratic or flakey at all and my behaviour is definitely not 'all over the place - in fact for 99% of the time I'm the opposite and this is why people always think I'm totally sorted and fine and usually look to me for support. I work really hard and am very consistent generally. BUT I've always been extremely shy underneath and also fear people rejecting me or feel sorry for me, so I try not to show vulnerability and tend to push myself hard to try to behave more confidently than I am, and sometimes people are surprised to realise I'm vulnerable. When I said I probably came across as flakey I only meant that he, this one man, must have sensed something wasn't right, which it wasn't.But I do appreciate that he may not want to take on someone with my background, and this is why I originally backed off, I didn't want to burden him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): You've had a traumatic past but as a result your behavior is flaky and all iver the place. Even though he now understands the reason, it doesn't mean he can or wants to deal with that kind of erratic behavior from you. The distancing is a defends mechanism for you but it is hurtful to the other person even though they know why you're doing it. It still feels like crap when you have invested yourself in someone then suddenly they pull away. I would advise you to get yourself onto therapy and work on healing your emotional pain so you wont be so erratic in your behaviors around other people. Other people need to feel they can trust you and count on you if they are going to want to have a close relationship with you. Unpredictable behavior kills trust. Predictablly negative behavior also kills trust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Daisy Daisy
I really appreciate your taking the time to answer me and for your very thoughtful response, it has really helped me.
I will be starting counselling in the next few weeks to help me to come to terms with the past and to move on.
It's possible that because he did not know my background there has been some confusion between us about what 'committed' could mean - we haven't discussed it, but your response helped me to think this through. For now I think I simply mean 'committed' as in someone won't sleep around, won't mess me around by being nice one day and violent the next.
I will try to talk with him about what he meant by 'everything' - you are right to suggest this.
Thanks again and take care.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 November 2013):
 I'm so sorry for the problems you've gone through.
There's so much in your post.
Is the ex truly out of the picture? How come you were involved in getting him to rehab? I think if he's not already, your ex needs to be well and truly erased from your life - unless you share children? Otherwise it stops you fully moving on, and it puts off other men.
When you spoke to the guy you like about relationships, you were drunk so not ideal circumstances for an honest, clear talk. I think it's a pity you didn't ask him what he meant about you wanting "everything" and him being unable to provide that. Can you try to bring that up again when sober? Explain you were tipsy and would like to clarify what was said.
You then say about a full on relationship or nothing at all. Well you deserve a full on relationship, with him or someone else, rather than a non-committal casual arrangement. Or do you mean you'd like to date slowly and progress to full on relationship? I'm not sure what you mean.
It's good he knows about your past, but be aware that he might be a bit shocked, wondering if he can take all of this on. In which case, it could just take time with you continuing with your consistently nice, steady behaviour and seeing how it goes. And you know, you have to allow yourself to feel vulnerable even though it feels so hard. Keep being honest with him. I think he can forgive you for what happened 3 years ago but he'll be somewhat wary.
Maybe take things as they come, being honest and open along the way, but don't get your hopes up too much for this man just in case. Don't settle for less than you want, either. His words may have been a gentle let down or a warning that he's a commitment phobe or only available for something more casual.
Finally, do you have support to help you process your bad upbringing and abusive relationships? Therapy could help you to change your patterns of behaviour (e.g. Going from abusive parents to abusive partner) and help you deal with your emotions, become strong enough to express your vulnerabilities and needs. I think you sound quite sorted and self aware, but with your background it's worth mentioning.
Good luck, sorry I haven't really answered your question but I do wish the best for you.
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