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I hate myself! How do I stop feeling this way?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 August 2007) 15 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2011)
A female Australia age 22-25, *adyme writes:

Ok, i really need some help here.

Im always picking faults in my appearance and if i see something i don't like (which is nearly always) i get really really angry. I think that i should be prettier, thinner just like other girls i see. I absolutly hate myself :( for getting angry and feeling like im not good enough. I just don't know how to stop. The only person that can make me feel good about maself is my boyfriend and even then im worried hes going to leave me for some model like girl. How can i stop feeling like this. Its ruining my relationship with my family because i get so angry. I have trouble opening up and sharing my feelings.

Please help me :(

xxxxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011):

Accept yourself . You are who you are . You will always look the way you look . You cant control how big your more it or how talk you are .......

Dont care about what other peoples think . Ignore others opinions and dont worry about what they think . To be yourself you have to get over the fact that everyone is going to like you.... Dont change yourself for anybody or anything because no 1 can play your role better then yours

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010):

I totally understand how you feel. I've struggled for years, day in, day out feeling like I'm a freak. I'm now 40 years old and should know better but I just hate myself & the way I look. I work out at the gym every day doing all sorts of classes from Body Combat to Yoga but no-one knows what I look like under my clothes.They all say I look great BUT I had a tummy tuck a few years ago after gaining loads of weight when I carried my son. .21years later I still hate the way I look. If you have what I call a 'normal' body, you can work hard & make the best of it. Believe me, everyone has a hang-up about their body in some way and thats why they are at the gym/running/cycling/dieting etc and we all want 'her legs' 'her tummy' 'her figure' ..but who knows. they may want to be like YOU!

I totally understand the feelings though & no-one can make you love yourself other than you...want a challenge?MMMMM....

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A female reader, karenkizzy United Kingdom +, writes (20 February 2010):

hi bab i know how you are feeling i felt that way for years,but its not true,its all about negative thoughts. you need to start loving yourself and belive me i know it is hard?but you will get there each day tell yourself you are beautiful and you are worth it?try new things go new places 1 step at a time,belive me i was havin more bad days then good,then evenally i started having more and more good days,and here i am.... everybody is beautiful and unique whoever they are?or where they come from, you will get better... belive........ belive in yourself take care x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

I feel exactly the same - i'm 24. I absolutely hate the way I look, the way I act, the way I think...! My boyfriend of the last 3 yrs has just finished with me tonight and I'm so angry at myself for not being good enough.

I feel so alone right now, and the more insecure I get the less people want to know me. I dont know what to do, my boyfriend has been the focus of my life for thepast 3 yrs, we live together and I'd do anything for him. Now I feel like I have nothing.

I now have to find somewhere to live and support myself - my family live over the 3hrs away. I dont feel like I have anything to live for and that if I disappeared, would anyone actually miss me?

All I can say to you is you need to change the way you think before its too late - your boyfriend must be with you for a reason. Dont let that reason pass and dont push him away. You're obviously not alone in the way you think with the replies on here, but how many people do you actually meet that seem to feel like this? Not many? Its a very private feeling that somehow people manage to cover up infront of others. Surround yourself with friends - its not worth losing them over. I dont know what else to say as I cant even take my own advice...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008):

I used to be exactly the same as you. Really didnt like how i looked and thought that my girlfriend would go to some else better looking with more money n bla bla bla.

Knowone can give you the answer on how to stop feeling like you do, you have to come to grip with who you are!

I woke up one day said to myself if you dont like it do something about it. Eat properly, exersise etc. Another thing i said was "its my face, my body and my hieght im gona have all of these for he rest of my life so i should start getting used to it. Its me, if someone dont like it they aint worth knowing.

I then looked at my relationship and thought well shes with me for a reason wether i no wot it is she is with me. Also look at the little things, the smile when they see you, who the call when they need someone and who calls and helps you when ur dowwn or upset. If they dont want to be there they wouldnt.

You need to except yourself for who you are. Your gona be you forever and if ur boyfriend does go off with someone else then he aint worth it and is not the right person for you.

I hope what i said may help you and hope you find your way

x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008):

its really funny because am skinny but there are times i wish i was big. my only advice for you is to always look yourself in the mirror and say out loud that your pretty and sexy and no gal can contest{its pretty stupid but belive m it helps}and also try wearin sexy cloths.am size 8 but i use to wear size 10 and i always look like broom stick in it but den i started wearing size 8 and evin size 6 cloth and i feel alot better. about your boyfriend......dnt think like that.....if he really loves you he wuldnt leave you for some other girl.alwyz believe he loves you more for your personality and if yo have any doubts then ask him.my last advice....wen your with friends dnt ever think they are prettier than you......you wishin you were prettier and all.......please appreciate youself because you are pretty!

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A male reader, Realbobz United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2008):

Hi, what you are experiencing is low self esteem causing a form of depression. At some time in our lives we all get these feelings and they are pretty unpleasant. Some days you manage other days are dark places, it's not nice. The thing is to be able to realise that these feelings are actually normal and that you are a very warm and caring person, because you actually understand feelings. Many people are so self obsesed with their own wonderfulness that they do not feel for anything or anyone else. You are unique and wonderful but because you are critical it is hard to believe, inside you are lovely and you don't need constantly to be told this, although perhaps it would be nice. Enjoy every moment, look for new things to explore and don't let yourself fall into the trap of self pity, it lonely down there. Keep a diary or log and write something every day, good or bad you will be surprised how this alone can focus your mind. Look back on your diary and see what events made you happ or sad and avoid the sad and increase the good, this works, but don't expect a miracle cure as the only cure is from within and self belief. Go to bed and simply remember times when you were really happy and why. Concentrate on the fact that yes, you are special and wonderful and always look for the positive, for this is the path to happiness.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008):

firstly, you need to understand that how you are feeling is just your opinion, it's not fact. i know myself that opinions can hurt, but you need to learn to trust people. you obviously like your boyfriend, otherwise you wouldn't be with him, so you should try to value his opinion of you. i understand that communiting can be very hard, so try to find someone neutral to talk to. this is useful to get an outside opinion of you, and can also help with communication.

try to focus on the positive, when you look in the mirror, ignore the things that you don't like and try to find the things you o like, over time the things you do like will cancle out what you don't like.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008):

Dont hate yourself im 14 and i thought i hated my self for a long time but what made me give up that was that we always find negative in out selfs no matter how betuifully we dress up or hpw much akeup we put on and the other person was right we are out won critics and we shouldnt be we should be gratfull for everytiny thing we have.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008):

My girlfriend feels exactly the same, she is the most wonderful and beautiful thing in the world, but can't see it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

I am now 45 and I don't like myself at this moment but can I also say I have Brian who has always loved me through all that I go through.You have to think of the good things.When I look back I can see them but at the time they are lost.You might not think there are any but think VERY HARD. Just the smallest thing can keep you going. I has for me. Take care, we are special. D

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008):

hi, please dont think that you should look like models with great figures. Most of them look like they have an eating disorder. Clothes dont fit them right and they never enjoy a bar of chocolate or a pizza. They miss out on the joys of life. If people love you and they care for you then you shouldnt want to have to change. By the sounds of it you have a lovely boyfriend who loves you for who you are. Take a leaf out of his book dont focus on the negative, look in the mirror and think what do you love about your self. Find something and make that something be what your focus on. Make that what people notice on your body. Be gratefull for what you do have, maybe not a size 4 wardrode, but a full life, with lots of love.

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A male reader, Mr Raindog United States +, writes (15 August 2007):

Mr Raindog agony auntI don't think it's a stretch by suggesting that you may have low self-esteem.

It's alright, I used to be an ackward kid (still am in some ways) and I hated myself for it too. Suicidal at one point when I was pretty young, to be honest. I loved colors none of the other kids did. They all loved blue, I loved orange. My mother had a hell of a time finding orange clothes for me. I then decided that I wanted to be more popular so I had my mother buy me Champion and Umbro line clothes, even though I didn't really like they way they looked.

You know what happened after that? I decided to stop giving a damn. I grew my hair long, wore a beard the second I could grow one, wore the clothes I wanted in the style I wanted and didn't give a damn about what anyone had to say about it. You know what? That worked for me. I am by no means a model looking guy and even though the long hair, beard, ect has hurt me in some small ways, for example, getting jobs, feeling comfortable with myself is a priceless commodity.

Another thing that really helped me was that I found things that I was good at and participated in those or seceded in personal ways at things I wasn't good at. For example, I was a 130 lbs 5'9'' 13-14 year old kid trying out for the Junior Varsity Football team. I was not good. We had 2 practices a day in the arid, drought-ridden humid summer but I stuck with it and made the cut as a backup that only played in three games. I felt pretty good about myself though.

Girls do have it different as you're always pressured to look your very best at practically every moment of every day. On the other hand, nobody notices your flaws that way you do when you stare into a mirror. I have four scars on my head and I'd surprised if anyone noticed that I have more than one, assuming they saw one to begin with. You know what? I see them almost everytime I stare back at myself. You know what? So what!? They're a part of me and they're not going away. I kinda like them now. My face would be weird without 'em.

So, that's my advice to you; don't give a damn, do something that makes you feel really proud of yourself, don't obsess over flaws you can't fix and relish in the trio of them.

Oh, and try to like yourself. You've got to live with you everyday. I was always taught that it should be a good thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007):

All girls feel unnactractive at some point, even models, celebrities and actresses- if they were so perfect, why would they need make-up artists/hair stylists/fashion stylists etc...these people are just as normal as you and me! The truth is nobody notices our own faults as much as we do ourselves, we're all our own worst critic! Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely guy and obviously thinks you are perfect just the way you are, if he wanted someone else he wouldn't be with you! He loves you just the way you are!

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A male reader, strawberries United Kingdom +, writes (15 August 2007):

It's possible your problem goes slightly further than we can really help you with here, but I'll give it my best shot.

You clearly have really low self esteem. which to be honest isn't particularly uncommon at your age. What complicates it is that you've become dependent on your boyfriend as a way of dealling with this. In the long run this will seriously jepardize your relationship, because it's impossible for someone else to give you the respect you deserve if you don't give it to yourself.

There are several ways to deal with this and what works for someone else may not work for you. The most extreme case is councilling and/or anti-depresants. But your far too young to concider this as a serious option.

What I would suggest, is that the next time you get angry with yourself you stop (you obviously know when its happening) take a really deep breath and say something reassuring along the lines of

"I am young attractive and confident"

You might laugh but you'd be surprised how well it works. It certainly helped me when I was your age.

It may also be worth concidering taking a break from your boyfriend. If he really cares for you he'll understand. If you can to the point where your happy without him...then you can get back together and it will be much more rewarding relationship for both of you.

I really hope that's some help...and that you cheer up soon

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