A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have made a massive massive mistake, I feel like I’m the past 2 years my husband of 20 years and I stopped looking at each other in the way we used to, our sex life was none existent and we where living like room mates, cue a lockdown lift meal with work people and before I knew it I was having a little snog with a male colleague which I’d never done before, long story short and we started having a emotional affair, not a sexual one (I know it’s just as damaging) so after 3 months I felt awful and confessed to my hb who was devastated and promptly kicked me out and turned our adult children against me and most of our friends as well. Eventually he let me back home and we are sleeping in the same bed but not as a couple, he states he wants to move on but is still hurting and the kids and friends are still hating me, it’s a few months now but I don’t get included in anything even things like when they cook dinner no one makes me anything and now when anyone’s having a bad day I’m the punching bag, I’ve told them all I’m sorry and that if I’m home they have to try to forgive me but the kids say no one wants me there and my hb says I have no right to call the shots…. I love my family and I hate myself for what I’ve done and put them through but does that mean I’ll get reminded forever now.? Or am I being a victim and this is my just desserts ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2021): Typo corrections:
"When it all hits [the] fan, don't expect three dozen dozen roses, glitter, and confetti."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2021): Your family loves you too, but they have to convey a point. That point being, you're a married-woman; and at no time is being unfaithful to your husband okay. You didn't just betray his trust, but that of your entire family. He didn't turn the family against you. Your actions did! He informed them of how you hurt him; and they all responded according to their own feelings and emotions about it. He wouldn't have gotten such a consensus; unless they all felt as he does. Got it?
You and your husband exchanged vows. You made promises of fidelity and devotion. Yes, after 20 long years, passions might dull; and life becomes very boring, content, and complacent. When that happens, you have to communicate your needs to the one who is there to fulfill them. You also have to take many factors into consideration that can often adversely affect your love-life. Like stress, health issues, aging, financial-problems; and having too many arguments and disagreements. Making "excuses" for cheating is more or less saying you're not really sorry; but instead, you feel somewhat justified. That causes all the more outrage and disappointment.
I guess they'll be mean to you for a little while. They still love you; but they're also very disappointed and shocked. Consider how hurt everyone is, because they've trusted you, and hold you to a higher standard; than to expect you to belittle your marriage with an emotional-fling with your male co-worker. It's humiliating, and it makes you feel unloved; when your mate turns to somebody else before they come to you, to let you know they're having a deficiency of affection or sex.
He's not completely without blame. Your spouse rightfully expects affection and sex in your marriage. There has to be an understanding, as to why it has to be excluded. You don't just stop, with no explanation, and for no apparent reason. You're pretty full of yourself when you just treat your spouse as if they're a platonic-friend. If you can't get it up anymore, be man enough to admit it! He's your husband, and he has neglected you as his wife; but he should have been the first to know how you feel. Even if you had to be a persistent pain in the bum; you have to keep driving the point that you're his WIFE, and you have human needs. A man who leaves his wife feeling unloved and unattractive shouldn't feel so shocked; if she responds out of character, or out of desperation. Not to say cheating is ever justified; but it's harder to resist temptation when there is no incentive to remain faithful. Well, your vows should be that incentive and constant reminder; but we are only human, and apt to make grave mistakes. Then we are forced to seek redemption and forgiveness. We don't deserve a pass.
You claim you confessed out of guilt; but there had to be a little bit of vindictive-nudging to let him know you can always go elsewhere, if he doesn't man-up to his husbandly-duties. It was a subtle emasculation. Resorting to flings is not even remotely how you address your marital issues. You claim no sex was involved. What did you expect to happen eventually? He'll never know for sure if that's true! It's just as bad knowing it is an inconclusive probability.
If he's one of those stonehearted, stubborn, detached old-grouches that you can't talk to; then divorce is usually a good remedy for that. It defies logic to remain in that sort of loveless-marriage; yet deciding to play on the side, when you want to scratch your itch. When it all hits he fan, don't expect three dozen dozen roses, glitter, and confetti. Instead, you should have tried to encourage your spouse to go get marriage counseling; or discuss whether your marriage is still salvageable. You have to face the truth. There is no getting around it. You don't have to stay married to a lazy-man who shows you no love or affection. You may have to give-up some benefits of your lovely life, if you divorce; but if you're caught cheating, you'll face the same consequences. Under more hostile conditions, to add insult to injury.
If he refuses counseling, or he does agree; but that doesn't help. Then you must get a lawyer, and file for divorce. You'll have to split your assets and property, settle child-custody, set-up a visitation schedule for the kids, and establish a feasible payment schedule (and amount) for child-support. When the divorce proceedings are legally completed; then you can resume your life as a divorced single-lady. At which time you can pursue all the male-company and romantic-connections you like. You skipped way too many steps! Choosing the shortcut came back to bite you in the bum! Counseling is recommended, because you've hit a roadblock in communication; and he's ganging-up on you by poisoning the minds your children and relatives. That takes a lot of pressure off the guy who can't please his wife. It can also backfire. You reap what you sow!
Your trespasses are forgivable; but that's not up to us to decide. It's up to your spouse and family. You now have to rebuild trust, and depending on how stubborn he is; that might take some time. Maybe the word stubborn isn't the best word, maybe it we should say it depends on how deeply hurt he is. There is a lesson to be learned for both of you here. You can't just shutoff all affection in a marriage; and go about married-life as usual. If you have problems in your marriage, you sometimes might have to seek help; but you have to work together to solve all your issues. When there are irreconcilable-differences, or love is lost; then you're forced to get a divorce. You don't hold-on to the dead marriage, cheat; and then make excuses. If you end-up cheating, by whatever means; don't expect there won't be serious repercussions.
Give it some time, and forgiveness will come from all those dear to you. If not from your husband in particular; don't suffer his punishment and unforgiveness. Divorce him.
All drama aside. You still have to address the reasons he has decided to remove sex and intimacy from your marriage. He doesn't get to be self-righteous and uppity about it all. If he has a limp noodle, he should see a doctor; and see if that can be remedied. If he's a porn enthusiast; he's got all the gall in world!!! If he's no longer in-love with you, or doesn't feel physically-attracted to you; then he owes it to you to set you free from a loveless marriage. Insist on counseling, don't leave it entirely up to him to forgive you. He's going to milk this for all it's worth!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2021): This is very upsetting for you all, truthfully I think you should make the decision to move out - even if it isn't forever. You've recognised what a massive mistake you made, you came clean of your own accord and that's at least better than pretending it never happened.
So you're husband allowed you to return, but now you're being punished daily - if he wanted you to come back than it should have been a new start, no holding this over you like an eternal punishment. No one including you even in something simple like dinner time is awful, and whilst you know you made a terrible mistake you don't deserve to be treated with such contempt on a daily basis. You're husband, whilst he must have felt hurt, acted terribly to turn your adult children and friends against you - the issue was between you and him, not your children and certainly not friends. I can understand he'd need to talk about it or get it off of his chest but he's also done some damage and it doesn't sound like he's taken any responsibility for that.
Having some space might help, along with counselling - if your husband truly wants to be with you again then getting some support in moving past this and working together is essential. Moving out - and it being on your terms- is taking some power back to you because you really don't need to accept being treated like you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021): I have to say that although you aren't a victim, I am a huge advocate for leaving the kids out of the marital problems, no matter what age they are.
It really grates with me when I hear about kids getting involved with their parents issues as it causes nothing but pain. Shame on whoever it was that let this 'affair' slip to them.
Rant over. Now that the damage is done you have to just work through it an unfortunately for you - accept the flack. You say they're making your life unbearable so is there nowhere else you can stay temporarily so that you can at least live in peace without the constant snarls and comments?
At least then you could work on it at a slower rate and maybe make some headway. Right now it seems you're getting nowhere and that's most likely because the family think you've gotten off too lightly.
Are you back because you love your hubbie or is it just convenience? You don't seem very sorry is all. Just sorry that you confessed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 September 2021):
 You are not a victim.
Actions have consequences and you found out WHICH consequences your cheating had.
You don't HAVE to live with your family. And you can't expect them to "just" forget what you did.
You BETRAYED your husband and in turn your kids. You showed a lack of morals and common sense. They are hurt and disappointed in you. They punish you by excluding you. And you tried to "fight back" and told them they HAVE to try and forgive you? No, they absolutely don't. Not until THEY are ready and willing. It will BE on their terms NOT yours.
My advice? If you and your husband truly want to work on this and see if you can still make a go of it, SEEK couples counseling. PUT in the work and effort. In a sense, atone for your actions.
Perhaps (and I'd decide that after talking to a couples counselor/therapist) moving out a bit can help THEM and yourself.
" love my family and I hate myself for what I’ve done and put them through but does that mean I’ll get reminded forever now.?"
Possibly. Because THEY have to live with it too. You made the choice to cheat, they didn't have a choice. You dropped a hand grenade in the lap of your family and then you can't understand the hostility?
Maybe in time, they can forgive you. Maybe. That is entirely up to them.
I have to ask, what did you think would happen?
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