A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,If your partner of 20 years cheated on you just once and you found out by chance would you forgive and forget. She is the love of my life and a great mother. Apparently it happened with a mutual so called friend. I confronted her with this. She is full of shame and guilt and never meant it to happen. She justs keeps crying. She says she was lonely and I was working away from home at the time. We have 1 child. This happened 2 years ago and she swears she never cheated on me any other time. She wanted to tell me but was afraid how I would react.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): "Yours is strong reaction coming from a lady. Why is that?"because i perceive myself as real, and know what works when we goof up and what doesn't. and believe me WOMEN know that the WATERWORKS WORKS! my words are not strong, it is reality, it is what makes or breaks a marriage - do we cry because we get caught or because we cheated. it applies to both men and women but women get away with murder, especially when they claim, i only had sex once with the other man. bull - forbidden fruit is just as tasty to the cheating wife as it is to the cheating husband. food for thought??
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Anon 3/11,
Yours is strong reaction coming from a lady. Why is that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Good one anon 3/11!
She did so for "the appearance of normality"?
Friend, we ask again: How did you find out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): why is she crying?1. because she cheatedor2. because you confronted herand why is it that women profess to have only f*cked up once (yes, meaning had sex with another man) and that they would NEVER do it again. and why do the men in their lives believe this ONCE ONLY STORY?IS SHE STILL IN CONTACT WITH YOUR MUTUAL FRIEND? for 2 years she kept her secret, there was no tears then. now because you know, and confronted her , she cries all the time. kindly buy her some tissues , blow hard, wipe away those CROCODILE tears and start talking the TRUTH.I am a female, i have from time to time also cried some "fake' tears, just to get some sympathy, just to lessen my wrongdoing, and guess what aunts and uncles IT WORKED!for me tears merely indicates that it is a cop out and an easy way to distort real events, real indescretion and real betrayal. once the floodgates open men are putty in womens hands. dear OP, forgive her if you want (the choice is yours) but do not forgive her lies and her cover up. if every woman spreads her legs out of loneliness and every man unzips his fly out of sheer boredom and loneliness then cries buckets thereafter the kleenex company will be making a killing on the stock market.
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A
male
reader, sf69  +, writes (3 November 2009):
This hurt you and it hurt her too. She is in pain over this. She regrets it. She wants to make it up to you. Remember she hurt herself and you and is suffering because of that. Love her and learn to forgive her. She made a mistake and she knows it. Help her recover and you will likely be stronger and have a better wife. Remember she hurt herself very badly and you can help her. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Everyone is gonna tell you "get over it" and I think they are logically correct here.
But that's not what you were asking. You weren't asking "should I decide to get over it?" you were asking "HOW the hell can I get over it?" and that's a totally different problem.
Obviously counsing would be a good idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): please try and forgive, why let this destroy the love that ye have left, I am sure your wife has learned from this, give her a second chance and I sure she will love and respect you for the rest of her life. I cheated but my husband would not forgive I would have done anything for the rest of our life together to make him happy. He did not love me enough. I think you need to go threw this to know the effect it has on both people ever case is different. please do not listen to advive from people who say once a cheater always a cheater they will destroy both you and your wife.I am sure your wife dont feel to good about herself for all the hurt shes caused. Love each other and support each other to get over this.I really hope it works out for ye both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): I think, if you truly love her, you can forgive her. I know it hurts you. But love forgives. (I will say the same thing if a wife is asking this question)
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 How did you find out?
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Tough call my friend. She seems to have a strong sense of guilt and sometimes people grow a conscience late in life. It sounds like she understands the magnitude of this and I think you have a right to verbalize exactly how hurt and angry you are.
I think some marriage counseling would be a very good idea because dealing with this is kind of like removing a cancerous tumor from your relationship. It must be completely removed and extreme measures need to be taken because the threat of it spreading and destroying your lives is very real.
I never like to hear about divorces and I have seen a few happen over this very subject. I hope you guys can make it work because marriage is a beautiful thing when it is healthy.
Best wishes!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 I have been married for over 20 years. It really doesn't feel the same from this point of view. My first question upon reading this is, Why do you want to get out of this relationship? At 40 years old I hope you are over worrying what other people will think of you. If she really is the love of your life you will quickly get over yourself, and start to work on healing her. She has been carrying around this load of guilt for 2 years. You also need to look at what you didn't give her that helped her justify cheating. In the end your chance of finding happiness is better with her than "elsewhere".
Don't get me wrong, I don't condone cheating. I just think that this is the best advice for you now.
FA
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Like hijacked dignity stated, we can't tell you what decision is right for you.
It is normal for you to want time and space to consider your options and whether or not you wish to forgive her. I suspect that you would LIKE to, but aren’t sure you can or should. You need to absorb this information, examine what life would be like without her, what you would like to have out of life, and what –if anything – she can do to help fix this all while trying to sift through the conflicting feelings of betrayal, surprise, anger, fear, sadness and jealousy.
While you do, the following may help:
1) She cheated once. That does not mean she will definitely cheat again. It is entirely possible that people can make a mistake and learn from it so they never repeat it. She may have felt guilt and shame before you found out, but hid it from you. You know her character better than we do. You are the best judge of whether or not she would do this again.
2) If she were my friend and had confessed to me that she cheated; had made a terrible mistake, felt awful about it and wished to confess to bring honesty back to your relationship, I would have advised her NOT to tell you. Many may disagree with this school of thought, but my reasoning would be that she has no right to try to make herself feel better for this terrible act by purging her negative feelings onto you - the innocent victim. If she has already renewed her commitment to you on her own, why should she absolve herself of the associated guilt by telling herself, "Well, I was honest about it," while you wrestle with the "Can I overcome this, and if so, how???" Not being honest about this transgression may not be a “nail in the coffin”. AGAIN – you will know better than we will about that. It is possible she IS only remorseful because she was caught. However, it is also possible she was remorseful on her own. What do you know of her character, generally speaking?
3) You are allowed to ignore her tears. You have to worry about how you will heal from this; whether that will be with her or without her. Give yourself as much space and time as you need.
After twenty years, I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. I don’t think anyone would know for sure, until they have been there.
Good luck, my friend.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (30 October 2009):
if you are sure she well not do it again
then just simply forgive her and let you life go on
but remember
you have to be very sure that it only hapenned in the past
and that she had stopped for good
because usualy when we catch people 1 time
there a dozen of times hidden under the surface !!
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (30 October 2009):
 This is a very loaded question and it's something that only you can really answer. Do you honestly feel like you can forgive this instance and forget without any hard feelings? Without any hostility toward her? Without any jealousy or need for revenge? Can you be happy with her after this? If you can handle all these typical emotions and let go, then go ahead. Just know that she has full capability of doing it all over again. She's upset because you found out about it, and now she feels extremely guilty. I don't know when this behavior will stop, but if you want it to, just assure her that it's ok and you realize it was a 'mistake'. However if it was me, and I was with someone for that long and they cheated? I would leave. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's a liar and a cheat. I think that cheating is extremely selfish and it's an action that's made with full intention of dishonesty and self indulgence. It obviously shows that your significant other cares more about their sexual urges than respecting you, and people usually do it again. The nails in the coffin in this case would be that she didn't come clean on her own, and that it wasn't with anyone, but with a mutual friend. The only reason she's showing regret is because she was caught. Me honestly, I couldn't get over something like this, and I could never really be happy with someone who cheats on me. But that's my personal preferences. Yours might be different. You might be upset, but you also might be willing to forgive and forget. Whatever your gut instinct is, go for it. Just make sure that if you do stay around, you don't constantly bring up the issue and you don't hold it against her. Because by staying with her, you are accepting her choice to cheat. Do not compromise your happiness however just in order to stay with her. Everyone deserves happiness, and if you can't obtain that now that you know what she's done, then leave properly, raise your kid, and find happiness elsewhere.
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