A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm very unhappy with my marriage and I am really fed up and want to finish it but don't know what to do. I do all the housework and gardening and shopping and work full time. I have lots of friends and get involved in lots of local activities and enjoy keeping fit, going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and I am quite fit and healthy for my age (52). He is the total opposite to me and sits at the pc all day playing games has no friends except one which he speaks to on Skype, he drinks a lot and is getting more obese than ever, he has high blood pressure and has had a fatty liver. I have tried speaking to him about how I feel and that he is very unhealthy but he tells me shut up and says that husbands have killed their wives for nagging so much. he has had the opportunity to do things with friends, invitations out but he always says he's busy. He is a very bad manager of money and we have nearly always been in debt. I trusted him when we first got married as he seemed confident and in control. But now I realise what he said was complete rubbish and he bullied me into going into a joint IVa although I was managing my debts ok. I am now locked into something I have agreed to pay for the next 3 years and I recently found out it he hasn't paid the mortgage so we could lose our home too. He has also recently tried to bully me into putting more money into the IVA but I don't have any more to give and have recently stood up for myself and said - no more. He recently said to me that I was only living in the house for my own convenience, as I do everything the house this isn't the case, it would seem that he has everything done for him and is living in the house for his own convenience. he has started being bad tempered with the children also and won't help when they ask for it. It seems that I am trapped. I would like to split up but because the money situation I can't leave the house and I know he would not look after the house well and he doesn't know how to. We are now not communicating at all and not sure what to do next. I don't want to carry on in this stressful situation but don't know what the alternative is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): The problems you described are common issues and i do not think you need to worry too much about them.
Obviously he enjoys being on PC and do not do GYM etc. but what is the problem?? there are many couples in which one husband or wife is obese and unhealthy etc etc. what does it mean?
Another thing you mentioned about finances, yes he may have taken some bad decisions, but this is why you are his wife. Next time try to do better finances management.
About one statement that you mentione about nagging thing,, do you remember what bad statements you have made to him in all these years. I am sure you also would have made equally harsh statements in couple fights. ( Pl do not tell that you have not ) . i am married man of 15 years and i know that what husband and wife quarrel about and what worse t hey say when they fight.
so my advice will be to just ignore and be happy in the life. ( FORGIVE AND FORGET is best principle in married life )
else you go on hardening your point of view and let him harden his point of view and worsen the situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all your answers, I feel stronger now that you have endorsed what I was feeling and it wasn't just 'me'. I intend to stay strong and start to make plans for MY future. It's a little worrying about the psychotic comment as mental health issues tend run in his family. I shall encourage him to seek help by talking to a professional first of all as you have suggested.
Thank you all for your help, I feel so much happier now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): Why not go to marriage therapy together? It is the best way to determined whether your husband is willing to fight or let go. Maybe marriage therapy can try to reveal why he's acting the way he is. Try talking to his family or friends. Maybe discuss this with some of your friends as well.
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A
female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost +, writes (24 May 2010):
 Although I can't advise with the financial situation and the circumstances you're in, maybe you should seek help with that by talking to someone professional. However, from what you've said, this man is unpleasant to be around, which is an understatement, his reclusive anti-social behaviour sounds rather worrying, especially when you have children, and his behaviour and attitude towards you could indeed develop into a more serious abusive relationship. You need to figure out how you can become stable financially, even if you could find a relative or someone close that you could stay with, with your children. Once you're financialy stable and independant, you should drag yourself away from that man because he's clearly dissrespectful and has a lot of issues. For a grown man who spends all his time playing games whilst his wife does everything for him.. Some of the things you mentioned, that he had said to you, are quite frankly disturbing, and he's engulfing you into his dark lonely world of iscolation when you should be free and enjoying your life. He is manipulative and emotionally bullying you. I wouldn't have a sudden great change of attitude towards him, but I'd talk to someone professional about this, think posotive about becoming stable and independant, then when you are confident in these areas, you can move on stress free and worry free, and live your life like you should be doing. He's taking you for granted and when you can, you need to prove him wrong, then he can fend for himself and you'll have your life back. Good luck and stay posotive...
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A
female
reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 He has some obvious mental and psychiatric issues. The first red flag is the comment "husbands have killed their wives for nagging so much". Since he has "divorced" you mentally and emotionally, I would definitely move on. The first thing I would do is talk to a divorce attorney to figure out exactly what your options are. Let the attorney know all of the financial info so they can help you make the best decisions. Keep your feelings to yourself and plan on becoming independant and removed from him. I personally would be a little leary of him. His anti-social, manipulative and oppressing behavior is steering into psychotic.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 You will need to formulate a plan to leave him. When you are well prepared, you will leave him to his own devices and survival.
You will need to take back control of your life and by leaving him,you will break his will and obstinacy.
This is a war and you will have to be strong and be well prepared for the long haul.
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