| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm breaking apart. I'm such a loser.My bf broke up with me on tuesday, because he said that he was fed up with the relationship not working, that he loved me but this was just too much. What happened? A long time ago he asked about my past, I lied, and then told the truth, he became abusive because he started judging me on my past. Calling me names, like slut, etc. Even though I lost my virginity to him (I just had kissed several guys with no strings attached and gave oral sex to a former friend with benefits). And he always brought the topic up and I started getting angrier and angrier when he did so i started losing control and yelling, crying, self harming. This made him more upset and he never understood that if he wanted to make it work he had to make an effor too. He said I didn't make enough of an effort, that it was my fault.I still love him crazily. And now, to top it off, he's rubbing in my face how he's happy that this is finally over and how he's reconnecting to his former crush. Like I cared!!! Dammit I'm such a loser, why did I have to take the bitterest end of this?I feel awful, I never wanna fall in love again and just don't know how to stop the hurt!!!! I hate him!!! How could he do this to me? This was my first bf and love, and he had promised to marry me and stay with me forever to overcome the issues and be happy. I'm so lost and hurt.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 June 2008):
Awww I'm so sorry for what you are going through!!!
First off, I think you are WAYYYYYY better off without your abusive ex bf. Think of him dumping you as a favour. You werent realy happy in that relationship were you? I mean he was abusive- he called you names, degraded you and blamed everything on you- classic abuse right there.
The relationship not working was NOT your fault. The day he first abused you, the relationship was doomed. It may not of ended right there and then, but it was def set for a dead end road. When abuse is involved in a realtiosnhip it will never survive. So really, it was his fault.
How you are feeling is quiet common of victims of abuse. But know that it does get better!!! It will, I promise. It just may take some time, so hold on, dont let go.
I understand you must feel portrayed and deicieved. He was your bf who you thoguht loved, cared for you and even wanted to marry you one day! But then he abuses you and breaks upwith you!!! Why did he do this? Well it is NOT because of you at all. Its not because you werent good enough or because of your past, or because you didnt try hard enough. Its about HIM. All about him being insecure and having issues of control and power.
Your past is nothing to be ashamed of. He should of counted himself lucky really...you hadnt slept around or anything. And its prety hard finding someone who is a virgin and you were. So I dont think he should be complaining. It sounds to me like he had a madona whore complex thing going on.
Its no suprise that right now you dont ever wanna fall in lvoe again! After this horrible relationship, no wonder. But there are guys out there who DO treat women with respect and they will do this for you because you truly do deserve it :)
Yet at this point in time I think its best you stay single until you work through what happened with your ex bf. Geting over an abusive relationship can be harder then geting over the ending of a non abusive one, so it maye tkae sometime.
Check out this website, its very helpful:
http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/
I also would advise you finding someone you can trust to talk to about how you are feeling, such as a doctor or counsellor. They are very helpful and I think you may need one to help you heal from this horrible expeirence.
Best of luck with your healing! :) If you ever wanna chat feel free to message me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): You are not a loser! Stop thinking that or saying that!
You are a young person going through a lot of emotional pain and hurt, but that does not make you a loser; not at all!
You might not realize it now, but you are a winner.
You are no longer wasting time with a guy that does not deserve you.
I know this souns "crazy" to you now, but be happy;
this guy took your virginity, thus he new, you have not had sex before; he had no right calling you names, least of all a slut;
(Matter of interest, did he have an innocent past? were you the first girl for him? I doubt that!)
You only broke up on Tuesday, already is is getting back to the ex; so sudden so quick; (maybe this thing with the ex has been going on behind your back for sometime?)
This guy knew what to do, what to say to get you upset, he used it and abused it, to make you react;
This guy abused you emotionally and tried to destroy your self image and self confidence.
Get up, stop wasting time crying over him, he is not worth one tear, in fact start laughing, be happy that you can now see him for who he really is.
Get together with friends, go out, move on.
Try and avoid contact with this guy, it might be difficult, but he will just try to upset you. Do not allow him to play with your feelings and emotions.
You will find somebody that trueely loves you, respects you and make you happy.
Wipe the tears, and give me a big SMILE!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Sweetheart it has only been a couple of days since you broke up with your bf and the fact that even when you told him the truth he abused you verbally I think you are well and truly well shot of him. You don't need someone like that in your life who is not going to be understanding or supportive.
The fact that you started self harming because of his verbal abuse means that if he was any kind of decent guy he would have stopped it and tried to help you then.
You will fall in love again and possibly more than once so don't right off all guys because you found a moron who was more into himself than actually being a caring individual. More fool him for letting you go.
Don't sit around and let him think that he has won, you need to start to deal with these things in the past and I do think you could get through all of this much better if you had some sort of counselling - perhaps for the self harming as I think that you are at a vunerable stage right now and the inner scars are what need treating now so perhaps go and talk to your GP who can put you in touch with someone, there is nothing to feel ashamed of, believe me I was suffering with bad depression after postnatal depression wasn't detected for over 2 years and it was only when my friend's little girl passed away who was 2 and a half and 6 weeks older than my daughter at the time that they finally listened to me and I talked to a psychiatric nurse, I am not barmy and neither are you but you do need to get any extra help you can.
Are you close to your family and friends? I think you need to get all the extra support you can. What someone promises i.e. to marry you and stay with you forever are unfortunately just words so don't think that your first bf is the only one, he's not there is someone who is much better for you waiting for when the time is right for you OK.
Don't let your ex bf be the only one to rub your nose in it. Hold your head up high and get out there with your friends and family and even suggest a girlie night in where you can just have fun or maybe plan a small trip away with either friends or family and let him go back to his ex, she is the mug not you and it is only because he ended it that this is hurting so much. If you do have any contact with him at any point or see him and he tries to goad you tell him that you thank him so much as you realise now how many flaws he had a what a lucky escape you have had as you would have come to the conclusion that he is not all that and you can now move on with your life and find someone who is caring, understanding and not so into themselves that you can find someone who can love others and be there for you when you need a friend as well as a lover.
Good riddance to bad waste is my opinion.
You are the lucky one now sweetheart you just need to keep telling yourself that OK.
Don't remember all the good times, you need to remember the bad times you suffered when you with this ex of yours and you will soon start to feel stronger and better about yourself.
Here any time OK and self harming is not the answer sweetheart as he is winning when you do that to yourself so be brave and ask for more help instead, go and see your GP and ask about some free counselling OK.
Wait to hear how you are getting on OK.
Take care of yourself and you can contact me any time.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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