A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:YES, YES! I am finally admitting it, I NEED HELP! I met this guy (online) about three and half years ago. At the time I was 'kinda' involved with someone else and he TOO had 'designs' on a chick.We hit it off immediately -sharing same sense of humour etc and would always end up in fits of laughter.It's quite a weird situation cos although we talked on the phone for over a year, we never met up. Mainly because I was reluctant because i had 'bared' my soul to him 'warts and all' and felt slightly embarrassed to meet him! I was never afraid to tell him anything about myself because I honestly thought we would never meet in person as it was always my intention NOT to meet him!Anyway after a year and a bit i stopped my involvement with this other guy (who it turned out was only using me!) and sought solace from my 'phone friend'! He hepled me get over this gut and we started to hang out!He told me quite early on that h had developed feelings for me but it took me quite a while to realise i was actually VERY much in love with him.By the time I realised though, he had to leave the country for work. We spoke 3/4 times a day while he was overseas and he consequently ran up a HUGE phonebill! he also booked me a flight to go join him but I backed out last minute'On the phone and with the safety of him being overseas, it felt safe to declare my feelings but when he arrived back i felt afraid of my feelings and strangely enough even though he'd made plans for dates etc he would never really find the time to see me, blaming work commitments etc (he IS a very busy man ..but come on!) Inevitably I began to get confused, not knowing where I stood with him, plus I knew FOR A FACT he was dating other girls! I need to point out thogh, thtat we had not slept together at this stage.Anyway, he'd continue to call me daily but we weren't really meetin up like we did before. now here's the problem.. he started to come to see me at home and would make no secret of how he flet towards me. One night when feeling rather amourous we ended up having sex for the first time! Immediately after this took place he got up and left even though he knew i wanted him to stay the night!2 days later he left the country for a 6 month assignment and dint even call to say goodbye!I was totally FLABBERGASTED! I could nt believe he could EVER do this to me! He had always known I wouldnt go into a 'no strings' situation with him, he knew how i felt about having sex with someone ( ihave had only 2 partners before him), we had a convo on the VERY day we sleptt together where I told him i could only do it if we were to commit to each other - he said he would NEVER disrespect me like that (the guy i was with before broke my heart and saw me as a 'booty call'!) The next day i got a standard text msg from him sayi he had arrieved safely but that was it and he had probaly sent that to 'many' girls!I feel so used and hurt and cannot believe he didnt really value our friendship which he once told me was the best he'd ever had! He would even class me as his 'best' friend! HOW could he have been such an imposter??? I have known him now for almost 4 years! Yes, he randomly contacts me, but only in an aquaintance way -not personal t all. We Have spoken but only very formally and altough its been almost 4 months since he's gone, neither of us have EVER brought up the night we had sex! I feel I need to keep cool and say nothing as I am hurting so bad I would break down, and HE probably was put off by me in some weird way by the fact we ot naked! I really don't know what to think really but I know I need to move on! Btw, whenever I decide to put closure on this and forget about him, he pops back up acting all normal like. I know i'm droning on but I am terrible at writing as I am STILL all over the place with emotion! This guy is a musician and invited me to his next gig in town. Should I go and act like just a normal friend or should i just try to forget about him??? He is 34 I am 29.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am happy to report that time HAS been a healer!
I am not FULLY over this guy yet (I don't believe you EVER get over someone when you have TRULY been in love) but I have taken back control and putting everything in to perspective!!
It's an everyday journey and I have had some real LOW times but I am getting and truly believe if I hadn't have had those experiences I wouldn't appreciate things the way I do today!
My main regret though, is not ever having had that 'Closure' on the relationship! It stills feels a little bit like 'unfinished business' which sometimes keeps me thinking about him again...Hmmmm...
I am not sure about the future with other guys yet as that experience has really 'knocked me for six!' and I am still recovering but if anyone has ny good tips on MOVING ON AFTER A BROKEN HEART then please let me know - it'll be really good to hear what others have done!
THANKS AGAIN TO ALL THE 'AUNTS' WHO TOOK THE TROUBVLE TO POST ANSWERS. THANKS GUYS!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am happy to report I am finally over this specimen of a 'man'! Thanks Guys!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): What I can say about keeping in touch with females he has slept with is that if he knows they still have feelings for him, he will use that to his advantage to keep them as back ups. This is quite harsh, but guys do that and if the guy is a constant cheater, it is about self gratification. He knows how to charm a woman, but it is smart you are not falling for him again. He said you were his best friend, as someone to talk to but perhaps thinks you are easy to keep as a back up.
To the anonymous reader, I think he just used you for sex and your friendship didn't really mean that much to him. He probably is seeing someone, but is telling you to hurt you. If he loved you, he wouldn't leave you in the dark wondering what was going on.
I don't think it is worth it to know how the guy feels about you, because he has done enough damage. Actions speak louder then words, and I think its clear this guy is not someone you can trust or respect.
I am glad you see things as they are, and you truly deserve better than him. He really does not deserve any respect from you and or time period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are both right and I really have lost respect for this Guy so there is absolutely no fear of us ever getting into that situation again! He had his heart broken by the love of his life and once vowed to avenge this by doing the same to women - I just didn't know he had included ME in that!!!
Thank you all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know EXACTLY what you mean! It's the loss of the friendship that really hurts. The fact that you put trust into another for all those years and they turned out not to be the person you thought they were since the person you THOUGHT they were wouldn't have been capable of such a cold act!
I really value your advice and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I would love to know how this guy TRULY feels about me and I think if I were to know this I would be better able to put a clsure on this. In sayin that though, I don't think I could EVER take the chance of trying to rekindle anything with him through fear of my heart being 'savaged' again! What your guy said to you about being with someone new was cold and totally insensitive and he really shouldn't have put you through that! I feel afraid of hearing something similar from this guy... the thing that I don't understand though, is why this guy likes to stay in touvh with people he has slept with ( I am now in that category for him I'm sure!) he has lots of women friends but always sited me as THE best friend and would say he'd never had what we had with anyone else! Hmmm... as u can see, I am still confused! Thanks again! Good avice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): Just because a man says to a woman that he cares for you and loves you doesn't mean it, especially his actions don't match up to it. I am sorry, but he treated you bad and still wants to hold onto you as long as he can.
There are guys who will make you think they have feelings to get them to have sex with them. After they get what they wanted, they just take off. Is it worth it to keep in contact with a man like him? No, it is not because he used you as a back up when he was dating other girls. Things will not be the same and you should move on. He doesn't deserve your time or respect for what he did to you. With him contacting you, he fully knows what he is doing to you and you are letting him emotionally affect you. He is only going to hurt you more, and you deserve better then that. Yes you are right he only wanted you for sex, and why the long wait well it is a challenge to get someone who doesn't put out that fast. This is on you now, he will call whenever he wants but you are the one who can control the situation.
You love him, but the fact is that he doesn't care for you the same way. It really hurts, but you have to move on. His feelings won't change for you, and if he cared he would not have done what he did to you. Save your love for someone who cares for you.
This is over and final with him, and you have to cut off all communication with him. It hurts, but you have to move on with your life. He is only going to run back to you or mess with your head if you let him. You are worth more then this, and he is just using you. What he appeared to be is not what he is, because time will tell who the person truly is. This man played you and you have to cut him out of your life. Make this final, and don't look back because there is so much better out there than him. You can do this, and you are still have plenty of time to enjoy your life. A better person will come into your life and treat you right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to add to this that I am still very much in love with him and try as I might I cannot seem to diminish these feelings! If he just went away and never bothered to call me again then it may be easier for me to move on. Each time he makes contact he renews my hope in his feelings for me! This is SO out of character for me to be feeling the way I am and none of my close friends and family members know anything about it so you can imagine how hard it is for me to have to continuously conceal this pain. I have been to a counsellor but after one session realised it wasn't goin to work for me ( I work as a counsellor too! so was hard for me to be on the 'other' side) I've even 'thrown caution to the wind' and contacted a psychic line which kinda gave me hope until I realised I was being 'taken for a mug'! I only really feel this way because of the relationship I believed we once had (prior to the sex) This guy was always attentive, gentle, sensitive, in touch with his emotional side, a good listener, kind, generous, seemed to see me as special, told me what he felt for me he had never felt for anyone else! All this is what made me fall for him in the first place! He broke down my barriers and now I feel violated! I keep tellin myself it was all a game on his part (he once told me a man would be prpared to wait years to get to have sex with a woman he really wanted!) maybe this is what he's done! Maybe this is all it was! How can my feelings have been real when he appeared NOT to be real??? Was he really an 'IMPOSTER/ CHARLATAN' !!?? i am really stunned by all of this and would welcome some comments from the male readers out there as I really don't 'get' this at all!Q What is ironic about it all was that his favourite mantra was ' only time will reveal people for who they truly are!' and the other thing he was fond of saying to me was that he sees me for the 'gift' that I am. Hmmm..........
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