A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm looking for advice re my boyfriend of ten years. I feel really battered and bruised by his abuse. He has called me names over the years, insulted my daughter (he is not her father) and he has even threatened to 'slash' my face open and asked me 'do you want to end up on the slab?'. When I first met him he was loving and kind but he did show strains of abusive behaviour. It was a case of one minute lovely next minute nasty. I can't believe I stayed this long and put up with it but now I feel really stuck. He constantly threatens to leave me, insults me for being overweight and I found out recently that he insulted his previous wife as well in the past. The irony for me is that he works for the metropolitan police force as a crime prevention officer and yet he behaves like this towards his family. His son told me ages ago that 'my dad is unreasonable you can't talk to him about anything' and his son cringes when he makes racist and sexist jokes etc.. I am worried about my health and at the age of 45 I am scared of starting a whole new life. Every time he has an outburst I seem to have some sort of health flare up and I feel literally battered emotionally to the point where I don't feel like sex and feel as though I couldn't even face the thought of meeting another man. I am a professional educated woman yet he sneers are me constantly for everything I say and do. My daughter is very angry and she said to me 'mum, how can he repay such love and kindness with such cruelty'. Everyone thinks I should just be brave, take a big step forward and leave him for good. He has also said he looks at other women when he is out with me. My female friends don't like him think he is an 'unattractive oik' but the way he acts towards me it is as if he is a mega rich handsome film star who can get any girl he wants and I am just a sad ugly old loser! It is so hurtful and I feel lost and just in need of some advice and guidance. He said he saw a woman at work recently and he described her as 'good lean meat lol'! making reference to the fact that I am a size 16! He prefers a perfect 12 but I am quite tall and medium boned and could do with dropping a dress size but I am told I look young for my age and I do look after myself well, hair, skin teeth, am always clean etc .. yet he constantly puts me down in all ways! I am very distressed. Thanks for any help offered.
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Hi honey, hope you feel a bit better than when you posted .
Your friends all think you should leave him. Please ask yourself why you think you should stay with him.
What are you getting out of it? There must be some kind of pay off in your mind but I can't see it, and I bet nobody on this site sees it either except you.
You're wasting your life with this guy. Please think about the example you set for your daughter if nothing else. The message you send is ...please take any old shite off men
Stop thinking about this man and the ins and outs of your relationship and put that energy into sorting yourself out till you see the light.
If you want more precious years of your life to go by then carry on, but I tell you with total certainty that you will bitterly regret staying with him long after you knew in your heart of hearts that he's slowly destroying you.
There is no other solution than you growing a pair of balls and face your life as a single woman. That's the road to happiness. Good luck x
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 You are definitely still young to marry again. Think about how you are aging each day just by being with him and tolerating his abuse. Being in love keeps you young. Have your children and friends back you up. Break up with him for the sake of your health and happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Please don't entertain the thought of staying with this man for one more day. He is making you ill and he has killed your spirit.
I know what that is like unfortunately...verbal and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because the scars don't show and to the outside world you look like you are in a relationship with a "normal" man.
Far from it. He is pathological and nothing will change him, not therapy, drugs, imprisonment, arguing, promises to change, NOTHING.
And if you choose to stay and bargain with yourself like you are doing here this will lead to inevitable harm to you and even your daughter.
Please take a look at an article I posted here. There is a link to a website that you really need to read thoroughly and study and perhaps even sign up for phone counseling or buy the ebooks provided by this expert in the field of pathology.
I have no affiliation with this site, I don't make money referring you to it (although, gee maybe I should), it is just that I too was looking for answers when a man I loved and trusted turned in to a psychopathic nut and abuser...he never hit me, but had I chosen to stay and let this relationship play out to it's bitter conclusion, I am sure he would have eventually. You see there are very predictable patterns that pathological relationships follow, and you can recognize these men for who they are if you know what to look for. It is important that you understand that this is not about your failings, your size or looks or anything like this. You may have some very positive personality traits that you are very high in like cooperativeness, competitiveness, the desire for an exciting extroverted life even, nurturing, patience, tolerance and you are justifying and normalizing his weird behavior in order to make yourself stay in this relationship that is killing you bit by bit.
Please take a look and I hope you will chose to go on the road to healing. It won't be easy to start over, but all I can tell you is I wish I were a young 45 like you and had the chance to know what I didn't know then and to make better choices for my life and relationships.
The only thing worse for you would be to stay with this man one more day.
Take care.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/relationship-red-flags.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Sweetheart, I am the same age as you, so I do understand, how scary the though of starting a new life would be.
Just look at this man you are with, he is a bully, my first husband was one too, and the more you stay with him the more he is going to bring you down. Do you really want to be with this man for the rest of your life?
45 is still young, you have plenty of time to start afresh.
Be strong and leave him and start the life you want and deserve, it will be the best thing you have ever done.
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