A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear everyone,I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I’m almost 36. We’ve lived together for a year.Problem is this: he knows I wanted to get married and have kids. He wants kids, but he doesn’t want to get married.We talked about this recently and ended up arguing and I ended up crying. He said that he was fine with marrying me if that was what I wanted. But I don’t know now - I wanted him to want it. He says he will never feel marriage is important. I don’t know how to feel now. Should I leave? Or stay? So confused. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 I agree with the latter answers. Marriage isn't important to him, but you are so he's prepared to wed to have you in his life. If he thought it was some terrible burden and that you weren't worth it, he wouldn't have agreed to it. He doesn't have to be giddy and excited about a wedding.
I don't really understand what all the tears were about.
A word of warning...whatever man you make a life long commitment to, be it him or somenoe else if this doesn't work out, I strongly suggest you learn a more effective way to communicate than crying. It won't win you anything and it gets old fast.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 If he’s fine marrying you to make you happy, then he loves you enough to make a commitment to you that he doesn’t feel necessary to have.
You wanted the proposal the ring the white dress the whole fairy tale.
Guess what.. that’s not what marriage is… that’s a WEDDING… they are brief and fleeting and cost a ton of money…. And the bride always cries for some stupid reason.
Personally, you have two choices here OP,
You can leave him because he did not propose
Or you can say “I’m being a big baby and I’m sorry, can we please get an engagement ring and pick a date to get married and plan a wedding?”
Or:
PROPOSE to him… I did for my current husband (he wanted me to). We picked a date that had significant meaning for the proposal (FEBRUARY 29th the only day women are supposed to propose) and we dressed up and went out to dinner at a favorite place and yes in public I got down on one knee and asked him to marry me. Then we PLANNED a lovely SMALL elegant wedding in Las Vegas and invited a few friends and my dad…. I’m not any less married than some girl who got a proposal, with an engagement ring (I do have a lovely engagement ring and wedding band set that he had made for me) and a big huge princess wedding am I?
You want to be married, he said he would marry you. MAKE IT SO.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 You are acting a bit silly, OP. Did you really end up crying over this ? Come on : he said he would marry you if that makes you happy. He hates marriage, he does not believe in marriage, yet he WILL marry you if for you it's so important. I'd say he's a pretty easygoing guy, and he's also making you a pretty big love declaration. He'll go against his ideas and inclinations, - just so that you can have what you want. I'd find this heart melting ,OP - aren't you a bit unreasonable ?
That's just as if he were of another religion, and you demanded he converts to yours in order to, say, fit in with your parents and friends. He's nice enough to say yes,ok, whatever, as long as you are happy- but you'd sulk because he is not REALLY convinced from the bottom of his heart ?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): You're being petty OP. He's never going to "want it" because he doesn't think it's important.That doesn't mean he doesn't want you, it doesn't mean he doesn't want you forever, he just doesn't give a shit about marriage and frankly he never will.But he does give that much of a shit about you that he's willing to do this for you and you're thinking about leaving him because he doesn't think marriage is a big deal?Petty OP. We don't all dream of the white gown and the big ceremony and vows and shit. I'm only marrying my fiancée for tax benefits and because it's her dream. She's mine forever no matter what happens, she's my love and I never want to be without her. I don't need some bullshit ceremony to prove that.She doesn't care OP, in fact she loves me more for the fact that I will do this for her, I will pay for and participate in a public ceremony with her just to make her happy even though I really don't care if we ever got married.OP one last time, marriage to him is not important but you are. You're so important in fact that he's willing to marry you to show you that. You've taken this the wrong way altogether OP, most of us guys didn't grow up dreaming of our perfect wedding. Weddings are the woman's day not ours. We just show up. My fiancée is doing all the planning for this with her mother and friends, I'm just going to be there. Frankly OP that's how it always is isn't it? What makes you think you're guy is somehow weird. If you want someone who cares about marriage the way you do, go find a woman to be your partner.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 April 2013):
I agree with anonymous...
Here's some things to think about when making your decision.
1.) He'll almost definitely not change his mind, so don't have a baby to try and force him to change.
2.) It's possible he just doesn't see you as the person he wants to be with forever and he may not even know it. I had great girlfriends, but I was uninterested in marriage until I met the right person... I still could have gone without it but I was happy to do it because she wanted it.
3.) A happy relationship is a happy relationship whether you're married or not. If you believe he's "the one" does a ring really matter?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): You know where he stands. You want to get married and have kids, he wants to shack up and have kids. Since you're already shacking up, don't fall into the trap of thinking that letting him knock you up will somehow change his mind about marriage.
You want him to want marriage. He doesn't. That likely won't change so at this point you have two options: stay with him in hopes of eventually becoming his baby mama on top of being the shack-up girlfriend you currently are, or dump him in favor of finding a guy who shares your goals and so would want to make you his wife before you have children together.
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