A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just automatically feel so low. It’s not even something I can control or choose –and I read a lot of self-help/improvement books…It just happens. And usually as soon as they go out, I feel like a great physical and mental weight has been lifted…I also can feel rubbish that I take after this person slightly more than my other parent, as children do in families, in looks and temperament/personality. And I feel rubbish because I feel like I must also have the same effect of the person who I’m typing this post about, on others too (and in past relationships, albeit when I was younger than I am now, I have been labelled as ‘controlling’ or ‘needy’). *Since I was very young there have been certain things that have happened and been said, all involving this person. These are perhaps a factor in why I feel the way I do around them. I don’t think I have ever really felt very close or okay around them, even during the teenage years…They tend to be very negative and mistrustful about everything, they have often shown some form of disdain when one of my parents is going out anywhere; this could be anywhere from seeing their family; who only live a few miles away, or going in to town.They don’t appear to care much or show a lot of empathy when individuals in the family have problems or are sad or angry or worried about something, but they expect people to listen and care when they have problems or are sad etc. They have also, on many occasions, compared their own past/childhood woes to anyone who lets this person know that they are feeling troubled at the moment. Such comments would include “you think you have it so bad, when I was young…” “You should be ashamed, when I was a kid I…” etc.They have said comments to me throughout my life such as “what are you, a moron?” when I couldn’t ride a bike properly for the first time and “onto the next fashion statement then” when they found out that I had stopped eating (due to constant bullying at school because I had/have a physical illness; I had been self-harming previously to this and for this same reason).They have insulted waiters in restaurants when we would go out as a family; when the food was cold or just not fit for consumption. They have also insulted members of one of my parent’s families more than once. Whenever anything happens it is me who will usually get the blame for it; I was told that “it’s your fault we argue” on more than a few occasions. My sibling rarely can do any wrong, though these roles have somewhat swapped around in the past.I am not too certain about how my other parent feels about it all, but they have told me in the past that they just want ‘an easy life’… I don’t really know what I should do about it all. I can’t “just move out”, firstly because I don’t have a lot of money at the moment, secondly because I wouldn’t feel comfortable or happy living on my own as a young (I’m 22), single woman and thirdly because I would prefer to move out once I am in a committed relationship.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 June 2017):
 If you don't want to move out until you are in a relationship then that could take some time because am guessing if living at home makes you feel down you are not out looking to date. Honestly you are an adult now and you should get your own life and make the most off it, if you don't you will regret it. Surely you can house share with other girls your age, try harder to find a better job with a better income and start living your life. The longer you stay at home the longer you are going to be miserable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): So move out and live with other single women your age! Thus removing yourself from the negative influences. You perpetuate the helplessness by staying. Waiting for a man (or woman?) to save you is a passive and unrealistic "plan." It's not a plan at all. It's a fantasy.
Get a good therapist and work on the negative reflexes you've devised to "protect" yourself. They are holding you back and it's past time to find new ones.
You feel safe in the prison you find yourself in. Only when you take positive steps to free yourself will you find that elusive thing: self-worth.
Living, real life, happens when you leave your comfort zone. Your current comfort zone may be somewhat uncomfortable but you know what to expect.
Time for a change!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Well, this is a toxic situation.I think you first need to change your mindset about this. I think first, you need to focus on what you can control and what you can do for yourself, rather than focus on how awful this person is. It's not even worth discussing if this person is wrong, and you are right.... All I know is that if you keep focusing on that, you'll end up bitter, and you're still young enough to turn things around and have a wonderful fulfilling life. I know someone in her thirties and she STILL talks about how messed up her parents were. At that point, I can't even sympathize; it's time to move on and actually make your life worthwhile, not let them still control you. Second, I think you need to become more self-reliant, rather than waiting for a committed relationship. If you are waiting for a committed relationship and your living situation gets worse, I can see you with someone for the wrong reasons, even if you don't realize it. I do sympathize with you, that all sounds awful. I grew up in a somewhat similar situation, except the person in my life was (and still is, ha!) not deliberately mean, just...misguided, as I like to say. As a result I had really low self-esteem in my teens, and I thought I was fine in my twenties, but it took me to get to my thirties to REALLY be strong, confident. So it took me more than a decade to break free from that environment in my head even though I was long gone from them physically!Don't let this happen to you. Take control of your life. Find employment, save money like crazy, get out of the situation. A happy/happier you will attract better people in your life, friends who can be like family as well as a good healthy significant other. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Putting up with what is, can be an acquired art!Rather than helter- skelter out of there you should list the reasons you stay and why it helps you out and stick it on your door or put it somewhere you can easily find it during moments of self doubt.We simply dont get to choose our parents and usually they invest very heavily in nuturing their offspring.Naturally they compare the past with the present.Its not particularly interesting but usually its true!For example waking up and remembering ice on the insides of windows!This memory doesnt make it any less cold in the current moment and is of no use at all if you are about to get sick with a chill and need to warm up!Its probably best to remind them that they are dinosaurs and laws and standards have changed.Remind them that you are talking about current times.The parent you can least stand is probably happily sleeping at night thinking you and they get on like top buddies (compared to the past) so your best bet would be to encourage this line of thought.Of course you are a different person but each older generation tends to marvel at how smart youngsters are these days, how ambitious, how well dressed and what a better life they have.This can be a little daunting for the old timer who feels totally inadequate in comparison until they remember that they have already had the life that the young stars are striving for!So although a certain someone is driving you bananas at times it is only to be expected and perfectly normal!The art is in making the subtle changeover from feeling unwanted to realising that your folks are quaint and old and need the odd bit of cheering up.'Ok Mumzy' you can say, but Mum knows perfectly well that you are heading out the door and her nuturing skills are no longer needed so find neutral ground to talk about and recognise that you are totally different to them but still carry the blood link!But its the little parody of affection that makes her smile!
...............................
|
