A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a relationship that started 3 months ago. She and I spend a lot of time together and we already feel very strongly about each other. She is over my place a lot and she has become good friends with my roommate.The three of us hang out together and I'm genuinely glad that they are friends.but lately the situation has been bothering me. She texts with my roommate more than me and whenever we all hang out together I feel like the 3rd wheel with my own girlfriend. I feel like I can't get any attention from her unless I insert myself into the conversation.I absolutely do not think that there's anything going on between them, but I feel like she's better friends with him than with me and that bothers me. I've tried talking to her about it and she seems to understand me, to a point. She's been better about a lot of it, but like 70% of it hasn't changed much.I don't think this is done with malice, but I get the impression she doesn't understand the degree to which this upsets me. how can I talk to her about this in such a way that I don't give her the impression I don't want them being friends at all? How can I convey to her how much this upsets me, without making it into too big of a deal or being too confrontational?I really do like the fact that they're friends, I just don't want to feel like he's closer to my girlfriend than I am (even if this is all just my head exaggerating)
View related questions:
roommate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2014): I think your male-ego and primal male instincts are causing you to be over-protective of your mate. That's natural. Giving YOU benefit of the doubt.
I think you should suggest that your roommate cool-it with the text messaging going on between him and your girlfriend. It's a little intrusive, and seems just a little excessive knowing she has a boyfriend. You're being a too passive about that. You don't have to act like a knucklehead about it, just man-up a little. Suggest he double-date sometime, or just stop including him on your dates. You're practically giving her away. It's not your responsibility to fill his lonely nights.
I cautiously offer this advice; because you may simply be insecure, and reading more into it than is actually going on. We don't get the benefit of hearing her side of this.
I think if my boyfriend told me I was a little too chummy with his roommate; I would take his feelings seriously. He would have to bring it up but once. There are blurred lines when it comes to the type of relationship your buddies and roommates have with people you're dating or committed to.
The can use your friendship as camouflage.
You have to watch-out for opportunists, and give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. Don't presume she is initiating all of the communication outside hanging out together. She has been totally transparent if you know about it; but guys as close as a friend or roommate just don't text your girlfriend. That is, if they respect you. That's breaking the "Guy Code."
Does she have other male-friends?
I think she should lay-down some safety-barriers; so friendship is clearly defined as only that. Then stay behind them out of nothing more than respect for you both as a couple, and your feelings. I think your girlfriend does have some responsibility to make you feel comfortable about her texting and chumming-up to guys too close for comfort. My feeling is that it's not so innocent.
You don't choose her male friends, but you don't sit like a dummy while they're warming-up to each other either.
Don't sit back passive-aggressively seething in jealousy.
Jump into conversation and enjoy yourself. It's your girl, not his. Stop letting him takeover your date. He may be purposely showing you up. Then again, you may just feel over-shadowed by his charisma and his more outgoing personality. Just don't make a fool of yourself if that's all it is. I think you know the difference.
Include him less in your outings. If she seems over-concerned about his absence; kick her sorry ass to the curb, and let him have her. Then kick him out of your apartment when the lease is up. Double-crossing your boyfriend or girlfriend for their friends is the lowest of behavior, and maybe you're catching on to what she's all about.
You can't control with whom she chooses to make friends, but you can control whether you want to remain her boyfriend or not. Use logic, assess this situation carefully.
Determine whether she's making you look like a sucker.
Up your game. If you're just not doing your part to keep things lively on a date. That's not their fault. Everyone is having a good-time, while you're busy trying to figure out who your girl likes best. Sounds a little juvenile.
You don't need a wing-man when you already have a girlfriend. Drop the extra weight, and let him find his own date. It's up to you to make sure your girlfriend is enjoying herself when you take her out. If you lose steam or you're not able to do that; it's no wonder she has more fun with somebody else. Include an extra girl for you roommate, to take his mind off yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): You can't control who your girlfriend becomes friends with or how friendly she becomes with someone. But if you're really that unhappy, sit her down and explain, be outright about it, tell her you're happy for them to be friends but you feel left out, because this is essentially what you're saying, right? You feel left out of the loop because your girlfriend and roommate are good friends.
Of course, you could always avoid the conversation if you feel awkward and simply hang out with them both more, as you put it 'insert yourself into the conversation' more. Get involved, don't consider yourself to be the third wheel but that you are all merely a group of friends and two of you happen to be dating.
...............................
|
