A
female
age
41-50,
*orceedea
writes:Okay,So here is my problem. We have been together for over a year now. We live together and are engaged planning to get married this October. However, I haven't been so happy, have been confused, and stressed out about the plans for the wedding and his overall behavior towards the wedding plans. He doesn't seem to care, I feel ignored or as if I'm not important to him anymore, the quality time we spend together (alone time that is) is zero to none, and he spends most of his time with his best friend. He brings his best friend over almost every weekend and this past Valentines day? We did nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING simply because he brought his friend over to hang out. We had plans to do something that day for the wedding and I wanted to spend time with him alone. But instead, we spent it arguing cause I was upset cause he had his friend over and we end up not doing anything. Basically, I'm confused as to wether he does love me, or if he just wants somebody to take care of him so that he can continue doing what he normally does when he is with his mom. I'm not sure cause we also have money issues. He makes more then me, we don't pay bills only the phone, car insurance, and I my student loans. My hours have been cut to once a week while he works 40+ hours making 14 an hour and yet, he always seems to be broke. He has not put anything down on the wedding and has me stressed out cause I can't afford everything myself. My family can't help cause nobody is working but I would love to have his support and help as well as his understanding, love, affection, and just his overall attention. I feel lonely most of the time. I'm like invisible cause we never do anything together anymore. And when we do, his friend is ALWAYS around. I wish we can just be the way we were when we first met. What do you think I should do? I already told him how I feel as far as him and his friend and us not spending time together etc. But he continues to have him over and I can't talk to him about his money and helping me with the wedding cause it upsets him as well as other things. Any advice? I will appreciate it. Please help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CrissyB876 +, writes (27 October 2012):
Save yourself from the heartache from now. He obviously does not•respect you that much to care about spending time with you. He obviously has you like a mom,taking care of everything while he chills out and have fun with his friend. And believe if and when you guys get married its only going to get worse.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 February 2011):
 This is a recipe for how not to start married life.
Firstly he is just not into you. Perhaps for benefits, but he seems to enjoy being with his friends more than you. Red Flag one.
I am going to concentrate on you. Because first and foremost you have to reach a place where you can stand on
your own two feet, and support yourself. If he ditched you tomorrow how would you support yourself? Where would you
live? Your age is given as 26-29. Unless you are doing a higher degree why are you not actively pursuing a second job?
Forget the marriage right now, you need a job where you can SAVE money every week.
If he is a Mommy's boy then it's important you realise that he may be a Mommy's boy for the rest of his life. His Mom, in that situation is unlikely to support you much.
He working 40 hours @ $14 an hour. $560 is not a big wage, but he should be paying his bills. Is he spending way too mich on socialising with his friends? Another Red Flag that tells me he is not ready for marriage.
Why should he be paying for the marriage? If your family cannot assist then you need to bring in more income so that you can at least pay 50% of the cost of the wedding. Otherwise you may need to scale down the wedding to something very simple.
Far better to delay the wedding until you've discussed/dealt with a whole range of issues.
You are not communicating together in an effective matter. You want to address the issues. He wants to ignore everything? Major Red flag.
He IGNORED Valentine's day and he's an engaged man planning to marry you? This tells me he's self absorbed, selfish, crass and has no notion of how hurtful he is.
I do not think he cares.
And I would be recommending you do some SWOT analysis of what this relationship, and he, mean to yoi.
What are the strenths? The weaknesses. What are the opportunities for a good relationship and marriage to this man? What are the threats to you, from marrying this guy?
All couples facing marriage benefit from couples counselling.
But he and you are not even interacting like a committed in love couple happily planning a romantic marriage and looking forward to a loving relationship together.
Think about your future at a deeper level? This guy presents like a rudderless boat, about to run out of fuel, with a storm approaching, hundreds of miles (emotionally) away from all the safe harbors.
Once you get your life together you may even find yourself a guy who does have his act together.
At this stage, sadly, you have not met such a guy.
PS my mother in law told me this - it is just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man.
I was shocked by her saying this.
But in today's world I think it's far easier if both parties each bring fifty per cent to the marriage. Fifty per cent of the talking, shopping, saving, investing, you name it. Marriage is a partnership in every way.
I really feel for you in the predicament you are placed in. And I hope you can either work with him to fix this, or maybe move on?
Or a job that gives you more hours?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): You need to talk to him about this but the fact he hasn't bothered to put any money down on the wedding is not a good sign
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