A
male
age
36-40,
*K1978
writes:This is very common, I know!I started seeing my girlfriend almost 4 months ago, and right from the start we were very open about our sexuality and sexual past. I told her I had only had sex with one girl previously (my girlfriend of 6 years) and a few other sexual experiences. She told me she had no clue how many, but has estimated from 50 up to 75.Seeing as we are the same age, 24, that did seem a lot to me and a little skewed, plus she had been in long term relationships also. A quick calculation told me that she could only have been single for a total of 6-9 months since the age of 16, with 4 long term boyfriends. I don't know where or when she fit the 50-70 in!Anyway, it didn't bother me at all. However, there were a couple of niggles. She would tell me (in detail) about sexual experiences - in public, dogging, meeting people online, having several 'friends with benefits' on the go at the same time, having offers for threesomes, and all sorts of turn ons and mishaps. I sat there and listened and gawped! But I was ok. Then I told her about an outdoors sexual experience I had had, nothing too terrible, and she went in the huff and got very jealous.I suppose I did think something might not be right when I asked if she had a problem with my having only been with 1 person, and she said "not at all, I'll just take the reins". I may be a little naive, but I dont think 1 sexual partner equates sexual inexperience. Afterall, she has been with 50-70 guys and I still have to show her what turns me on and does it for me, the same as she had done for me. She also know that my being with 1 person only is not down to lack of opportunity. Although I have rarely gone out 'looking' for women, let alone sex, I have turned people down. I've never engaged in anything sexual with someone I havent been dating, and never until at least the 3rd date. Maybe it seems old fashioned, I don't know!I guess my real problem is, she continues to bring up her sexual past every now and again. There was an article about a girl having had sex with 23 men by the age of 18, and I said I thought she must have had crap self esteem to go out looking for that many guys. My girlfriend said she had probably had that many by 19, and what was wrong with that? I said nothing especially, but it's against my own personal values. It was then that she told me she had had 5-6 'friends eith benefits' at the same time, and slept with 3 different men in the space of 24 hours. I gave my honest response to this by sauing 'frankly, I find that a bit gross'Now I feel guilty because I dont want to insult or offend my girlfriend. It's her past, not mine, and it has nothing to do with me. However, the fact that she keeps bringing it up worries me a little. I don't know if she looks down on my sexual experience, as if I am inferior to her. Which feels rubbish, but could well be true. She did seem shocked when I said I had only been with 1 person, and refuses to accept that my 1 sexual partner is much closer to the average for my age than her 50-75 (assuming the average is between 5-15). I'm not sure what to do, because Im not a jealous person, but now I feel like this might be an inequal relatioship. We get on really well, physically and emotionally, and I think we are a great couple. But I get the feeling she has some sort of past issue or an issue with my own experience that she can't let go of.What do I do? I'm not confident to talk to her about it, because I dont know how to bring it up without me sounding like Im jealous or envious of her past sexual partners.
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engaged, her past, jealous, self esteem, sexual past, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): Your feelings/concerns are totally normal. (Maybe they're not "fair" by a certain logic. But nevertheless, they're totally normal.)
It's modern society that's acting abnormally when it tries to paint your concern as something to be embarrassed over.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 This does come up frequently, although you have handled it much better than most by the sounds of it. I wish I had your temperament about this.
Given that you have an otherwise good relationship, I would suggest the two of you make an agreement to not discuss the subject. There is nothing to be gained by doing so, all that will happen is one or the other of you will end up getting hurt. File it somewhere obscure and throw away the key. That includes not thinking about it.
As for your judgements, I would say you are most likely correct. For someone of your age (male or female) to have that kind of a sexual history points to problems of some kind. Not always, but her emotional reactions to your conversations are a give away. But whatever happened to her, or didn't, in the past, it only has to effect you now if you let it. If you two can forge a commited and intimate relationship now then it's all good.
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A
female
reader, perry1  +, writes (4 September 2008):
I believe, in a way, she wants you to say something to the affect of, WoW! or How many guys? But when you said you'd only been w/1, it was almost like a competition to her. She wants to be the best. The reason some of us girls will "brag" about other relations we've had, is to see were we stand w/our man. We do love to see the little bit of jealousy come out so as to say, "wow he really loves me" that is why she got so upset when you told her about your outside experience, jealous was her first reaction. Now, I feel you just have to sit and talk to her about what you both love and how you would love to please each other, nothing to do w/ the past, who cares, they're gone and you're there. Don't ever feel afraid of asking a question for bettering your relationship. Make sure you're honest up front, by this I mean tell her any questions you have are for reasons to make you both more happy and satisfied. And don't feel as though you are envious or jealous if this is truly not the case. Bring it up in a more playful way, like, "I would love to please you in....." or " What if we...." anything that you want to do or say to her as long as it's coming from you and w/out comparison. Hope this helps a bit....Perry1
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