A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don’t know what to do. I feel my relationship is slipping away and I am powerless to stop it.My boyfriend and I have been together 18 months and live together. The problem is that he had a bad experience with someone who lied to him, manipulated him and tricked him out of a lot of money which left him chronically in debt. As a result (I assume) he is convinced that everything I say to him is a lie. It doesn’t matter if it is big or small, he claims I ‘make up lies’ to create ‘drama’. For example, at a Christmas party with his family, I felt really ill (I have interstitial cystitis which flares up with stress). I asked him to drop me home because I felt so bad, but he insisted on staying with me, though I told him to go back. Since that day, though, he has kept saying I ‘only did it to get attention’. This is hurtful because I spent Christmas day ill in bed! Another example is when I had an early miscarriage. I did not want to tell him about it because he blames himself for everything and gets really upset. I just did not feel up to dealing with that, so I didn’t tell him right away. I told him 2 days later when I felt stronger, and he accused me of making it all up. When I ask him to name even one incident or time when I have definitely lied to him or ‘manipulated him’, as he calls it, he can’t give even one example. I don’t tell lies - in fact, he has told many, big lies to me during the course of our relationship but I forgave him because I felt it was related to his experiences with this other person. I have tried to talk to him on so many occasions about this. He has 2 ‘answers’, he changes the subject or ‘nitpicks’ so much that we can’t discuss the real issues, or he leaves the room and ignores me. Obviously this is very frustrating. If I push the issue, he gets angry and threatens to break up with me. I have tried so many times. The only way to have peace, it seems, is just not to say anything and pretend there is no problem, when there is.I feel hopeless. I love him dearly and we have some wonderful times but I feel like I am living in the shadow of the person who made him so mistrustful. I feel like our relationship is so poisoned with all the rows - if there was any solution or way out then I would take it, but I can’t see what it is. I just want things to be good again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): He sounds manipulative and controlling. Regardless of his past, he is bad news. I think you have realised he may be bad for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): Oh, have a read of this OP.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Sound familiar?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): You're not living in anyone's shadow, this guy is just an abusive asshole. Sure you have wonderful times and he can be sweet, but fuck me if this guy isn't a cruel son of a bitch.
He's the manipulative one OP, not his ex. He's manipulating you and being very cruel to you and for some reason you tolerate that. You've tolerated too much OP, you're his doormat.
Now the list of the intolerable is extensive and surely you can see how bad these things are?
1. He calls you a liar, manipulator and drama queen. How is that acceptable to you? That's emotional abuse and control OP, you don't put down the partner you love in that way, ever. Major red flag and you should have been gone the instant this side of him came out. It's nothing to do with his ex, stop being stupid enough to let that be an excuse, you're not some spotty, inexperienced teenager OP.
2. The christmas thing was another form of manipulation. Another form of abuse to put you down by making you seem like the bad guy when he had the fucking choice to go back, again he's calling you a drama queen liar.
3. You have a miscarriage, one of the most devastating things a woman will ever experience in her life and he accuses you of making it up? What a fucking cunt. (Pardon my language) but seriously, he's a cunt.
4. He openly and blatantly lies to you, you've caught him out and forgave like the idiot you are, sorry OP but read your question again, what part of that makes you not look like a complete fool?
5. You try to talk to him, he shuts you down completely with his "2 answers" and the fool you are accepts that. Nothing is going to change if you can't even communicate OP but he doesn't need to communicate, you're too weak and too foolish to do what's right by you. Even now you can't see the wood for the trees and thing you actually have a relationship, you don't. You have a co-dependent, master/slave deal going on and somehow think the sweet version of him is worth the soul crushing, self-esteem grinding mean side of him.
Well you're fucked OP, there is nothing I can say or do to make this better because you're deluded into thinking his ex is the cause when in fact this is just the real him coming out after the dust of the honeymoon period settles. You've created a dynamic where he can freely abuse you and you forgive him every time so he's the boss and has no incentive to change and the worst part of all of this is when you do finally see sense and have to move on, he'll just turn on the charm and you'll be too weak to resist, he'll get you back and the same shit will happen all over again.
OP just one of those 5 things I listed is enough for any sane, intelligent woman to run a mile, but you seem to be neither because you want to persist.
All I can is wish you luck OP, he's going to grind you into the worth until you actually start to believe the things he says about you, it will get so bad that you stay with him solely because he has you convinced you're lucky to have him and couldn't get anyone else and even when you finally crack up and try to move on you won't have to strength to stay away.
You're in for a long hard few years OP, and this guy will probably break you and ruin you for the future too.
He will never change, he owns you and this is all him. The wonderful times will never make up for this kind of emotional torture no matter how much you cling on to that hope. Get out now or watch as your mind is just torn away from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): Many honest people are duped by ex`s. It can leave them feeling understandably a little hesitant to trust again. And in turn that can lead to a period of time during which, you have to prove yourself worthy of their trust. So far so good. That is natural. But in your case, you are not only dealing with a trust issue. You are also dealing with a liar who stubbornly REFUSES to believe you. Being let down by an ex does not turn an inherently honest person into a liar. The habit of lying was probably a part of his character long before he ever met his ex. His inability to believe you probably stems not from her but from his own standards and he is judging you by those standards. As a liar, you only have his word for it that his ex was the cause of his debt. You only have his word that she manipulated him because from where I am standing, he sounds like the manipulative one. He is certainly manipulating you by never allowing you to voice anything without anger from him, threats of leaving, nit picking and other avoidance techniques. He is a manipulator and a liar. So take heed, you might not be able to `fix` this problem with him because he doesnt wish to be fixed. He probably thinks he is fine it is you who has the problems. My advice. Next time he threatens to leave you, let him go. Show him you will not tolerate his BS any longer. If you want respect from him, that is how you will get it. If you have him back, make no bones about it. Tell him he is in Last Chance Saloon and you expect him to talk to you like a grown man should, respect you and your word and no more lies or else.... It is astonishingly arrogant of him to continually call you the liar when he is the one being caught out lying! AND to threaten to leave YOU, when in reality it should be you threatening to leave him for his dishonesty! Being too concerned about his feelings/self pity to tell him you are losing a baby is sad in the extreme. To be called a liar afterwards is almost unforgivable. In my opinion, you cant see the wood for the trees at the moment. It is this man giving you the feelings of hopelessness. Its not losing the relationship that is dragging you down it is being in it that is making you feel as you do. I once met someone who sounds remarkably similar to your partner with a very similar back story. Over time it became apparent to me that he was a liar and when challenged he used the same techniques to close me down, silence, anger, nit picking that took us off topic and left me confused and frustrated. Eventually I sought out and spoke to his ex. What a revelation that was. He had been no different with her than he was with me! Despite him saying SHE was the cause of his behaviour. She wasnt at all, he was always like it. I would start a sentence about him and she could finish it. Most of what he had told me and his very supportive, sympathetic family were lies. So dont be too quick to believe every thing he tells you about his past. Remember hes a liar!Eventually I called time on my `friend` following a disagreement about a lie he told. He threatened to leave if I couldnt `get over it` so I said okay, packed his bags and threw him out. Best thing I ever did.I think you should pack your partners bags in a matter of fact way next time he threatens to leave you. The experience might do him good because he is taking you and your good nature for granted and needs a wake up call before it really is too late.
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