A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Thios os my situation. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and lived together for 1 year before that. We split the bills equally because we earned about the same. (No children) About a year after we married he lost his job. We moved to a smaller place, cut spending and survived on my salary and what he could get part time. He was fortunate to get a permanent job about 10 months ago. Since he started working he has not gone back to the equal sharing of expenses, and he has not agreed to move into a slightly bigger place. He says I can keep paying the rent and he will buy food etc. He was vague about why we should do it this way, just said wait till things settle down. But it is by no means equal expenditure, and he has never given me a contribution in actual cash. If I want an extra food item when I am out I pay for it. I understand that he may feel cautious because of what happened to him but I think this is extreme. He has not bought me a bunch of flowers even. I saved enough so that we could have a weekend break even when we couldn't afford a holiday, he hasn't even taken me out anywhere. He has bought himself a few new things like a phone and clothes and has gone out with his mates now and then. Now he is looking at buying a new car. I feel as if he has forgotten his committment in this marriage and is disregarding needs and desires I have. Or am I being selfish? Should I give him more time to enjoy the new job and earning again?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 No, I don't understand instead why he may feel cautious etc.etc. When he lost his job you were there to cover his ass and support him totally ( not that it was wrong, - it was what's expected from either spouse- where one can't arrive, the other steps in with no fuss - in an EMERGENCY ). If it should happen again, you'd do it again.
And if he was so cautious, he would not think of buying a car, but would save his money for a rainy day.
There's no energency anymore, he has been employed since 10 months ago- how much more time does he need to get settled ?!
There is no reason for not going back to your original agreement ( other than he is blatantly and unnnecessarily taking advantage ). Tell him that vacation is over and now it's back to school. He has an income, you have an income- you can, and need to, split expenses more equitably. If he earns less than you, it is reasonable that he contributes less than you, but only in proportion to how much less he actually earns.
Your agreement now does not seem equitable , in fact sounds punitive for you . Well, maybe it works differently in UK, but where I live, one month of rent of a barely decent one bedroom is twice or thrice as much as the cost of one month of food for two.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 It sounds like you had an unwritten agreement before he lost his job. Now that he has gotten a new job he is changing the game.
I think for one you need to decide what the rules of the finances of your household are. Is it everyone chips in to a joint account and you both consult on major expenses or is it separate accounts and everything is split down the middle?
Both have their pros and cons and both require a lot of responsibility.
I think you need to make a formal declaration and start establishing what each of you expect financially. Money is often a marriage killer and it is best to get on the same page, early... It might be a difficult conversation, but the two of you should be on the same page. Stifling your anger and resentment will only lead you to falling out of love and will ultimately spill over to other aspects of your marriage.
Take action -- the sooner the better.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 I think it is time you both sat down and discussed where you see your marriage going, and discuss goals, both personal goals, and goals as a couple. It does seem as if your husband is focussing on his own goals right now, tell him you feel he has no commitment to the marriage, or to you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 September 2013):
How about a joint account? All money goes in the one account, that way you can fairly budget, plan for holidays, and other things.
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