A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been best friends with a girl for about 8 or 9 months now, and she’s the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. She still says we’re just friends but I feel as if our relationship has recently progressed into something more. We seem so incredibly close, we’ll happily spend hours and hours lying in bed just cuddling and we trust each other with everything. There’s not a moment that goes by when I’m not thinking of her. It hurts me when she says that we’re just friends because I love her and I wish she’d acknowledge me as something more. I don’t how she feels, whether it’s just a front or that she really doesn’t see me as anything more despite what I would consider such intimate moments together.About 4 months ago while we were still just fairly ordinary friends doing ordinary things I asked her if she thought we could be more than just friends but she said that she didn’t think it would work out as anything more. Since then we’ve become so much closer and at first glance everyone seems to think we’re a couple. She insists that we’re not and so I’m always having to tell people that we’re not together which is quite upsetting for me. I don’t know if she knows how I feel about her, I mean I’ve bought her flowers before and it seems obvious to my other friends that I like her a lot. I just wish I knew where I stand. I’m wary of talking to her about it because I’m scared that I might seriously damage our unspoken relationship and get either of us hurt. The alternative is to stay quiet and let things continue to develop as they are but I’m worried that without talking about our relationship then we won’t reach our true potential together. We have less than a year left together before we have to go our separate ways to university. I truly love her and with such limited time I just don’t want to have any regrets.I’d much appreciate any suggestions to what I should do, if anything. Thanks :-)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): Hello I wrote the question:
Ok this is beginning to make sense, thank you :-) I mean since I met her I have never once let her down or not been available, whereas I’ve lost count of how many times she’s decided to change her plans at the last minute leaving me feeling a bit lost without her. I’ve just been desperate to spend time with her since we met because I value our time together so greatly and she’s the only person I hang out with outside of college time. She’s definitely the more dominant in our friendship and I have a strong sense of loyalty towards her. So I guess this all adds up. I think you’re right that I need to distance myself and make myself less available etc. and I’ll definitely try that, but I’m not sure that I could actually bring myself to flirt with other girls. Not only would I feel terrible but I’m less than capable! :-s
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 You are her buddy who makes her feel good about herself and provides some closeness without real couple-type intimacy. I agree with Frank that you should back off from her so that you can change the tenor of the relationship. She needs to see you as boyfriend material, and that might require showing her that she could lose you to another girl. I speak from experience here, as my now-husband was once just a good male buddy to me. It took another girl meeting him and telling me, 'he's HOT!' for me to take another look at him and realize what a great guy he was and that I was being a fool for not realizing it. You need to give her that 'AHA' moment, or at least give it the opportunity.
This is going to sound counterintuitive to you, but you need to back off on the warm cuddly teddy bear stuff with her, and start to talk and flirt with other girls. What you're going for is the perception of you as a desirable boyfriend, and that means you need to get the jealousy thing going. I know, I know, jealousy is not a great emotion to be having and it seems mean to do this, but if you want her, I think this will be your best bet. You need to be less available to her; stay busy, get a bit mysterious, make her wonder if you are really as willing to wait for her to come around as you seem to be. Sometimes you need to see someone through other people's eyes in order to comprehend what you have.
So good luck, and report back on how things go with this strategy. After all, what do you have to lose? If she's only interested in you as a friend, you won't lose that if you do find another girl to go out with. If she IS subconsciously attracted to you, it'll bring these feelings out if she suddenly realizes she could lose you.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 I did a lecture on exactly this topic called: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man.
You are currently in the category of her brain that makes her see you as a friend. She will never date you until you change that.
1-Stop being her therapist
2-Take a break from her UNTIL she breaks it off with the boyfriend
3-Learn about her emotional needs, and how to address them
Once you have learned about her emotional needs and how to address them..
let her back into your life and make her your girlfriend.
You are trying to logically prove to her she should date you, and this is EMOTIONAL decision.
You can read reviews of my lecture that has the steps and information you need: http://www.lulu.com/content/2440004
-Frank B Kermit
Author of From Friends To Lovers
http://www.lulu.com/content/2440004
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