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I don't want to be under his mother's control.

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2014)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi, I live with my husband in holland. He is from kurdistan in iraq, he is going to kurdistan because he cannot stay here any longer he wants me to go there and said we can stay there a few months and then go because I said I dont want to live there. His family seem very interfering and very much his mother and she seems very controlling of him. Always she phones him and talks to him on skype for hours every day. His other brother just got marriedd and she does not like his wife and she said to my husband I hope your wife will not be fighting me like the same as your brothers wife. I think his brother and wife have moved out from her house now. I am very westernised and independent person and o I think she will make my life hell. And my husband wont stand ip to her. my husband said it will just be for a few months but I dont think she will want him to leave and would probably fake a heart attack or something.and also they will blame me for him leaving. I really dont want to go and have to be under his mothers control. What should I do?my husband does not want to go there but he has to at the moment. I can also see her trying to make arguements between me and my husband.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (2 July 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Iranian male anon, what you say may be perfectly true, but it does not change things for the OP. First she is going to Iraq, not to Iran, and second , under the shar'ia and as the wife of a Muslim man she has no right to come and go as she pleases , as when she is in her own country. She would be subject to iron-clad restrictions, IF her husband chose to enforce them.

You say he sounds like an open minded guy , otherwise he " should not marry her".

Since they are already married, I think you mean that if he was not open minded he would not have married a foreign non Muslim woman ? Not true. As I am sure you know very well, a Muslim can marry a Christian or Jewish woman if he wants, it's still a Muslim marriage subject to the shar'ia even if she does not convert. So he did not need to be particularly open minded, makes no difference to him .

So, it's still all up to him. He seems open minded, but it's easy to be , or to look, more open minded when you live abroad, at home there's 100 times more pressure to conform. And anyway , if he is not as open minded as he seems, or if he is open minded yet still changes his mind about going back to Europe - she's stuck. She will be trapped.

Plus, again, how is he going to get back to Holland in few months ,if now he has to leave because he can't stay

there anymore ?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014):

Wiseowle Iran and Iraq are two different countries with different cultures. Many people in Iran are like your brother in law and his family without even being in western countries. People are more open minded and educated there and Islamic rules are not as restrict as other muslim countries, and most people have their own modern life style. I have been all over the world and few of my europian friends go there for having fun and best parties!

And for her concerns it all depends on what kind of guy is her husband if he is open minded which it seems he is, otherwise he should not marry her, it should not be any problem going there besid the conflict with his mom.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 July 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Don't go. I hope you realize that the legal system of Iraq is the Shar'ia ,i.e. they apply Islamc law also in cases of personal status and family law ( marriages , divorces , custody of minors etc. etc. ).

That means that once you are there, you are an Islamic wife, you can't leave the country without your husband 's permission. He can take your passport and keep it, and there's nothing you can do . You'd need his written permission for travelling alone . If he does not want you to go back to Holland he can keep you there till you rot, I doubt that your Embassy would be able to get you out of there. The shar'ia does not give a damn if you are a Dutch citizen or a Christian or what not, once you are in their territory , you must go by their laws , and their laws are religious, Islamic laws.

Too risky. Your husband SAYS it would only be for a few months, but then what if he changes his mind, if his mother convinces him to stay , if he does not let you go back alone ( he never would, he would terribly lose face with all his family and friends ).

Plus, if he can't stay in Holland any longer, I suppose it means that his visa is expiring and expired and there's a problem in renewing it- so once he is out of your country , how was he planning to get back into it, after teh " few months "?...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

I get scared just reading your post. Don't go please. When your husband says it's only for a few months, it won't be - you'll never come back. It's a trap - and the mother will do everything possible to enforce it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

As someone who spent many years with an Iraqi Kurd, and yes visited the country on several occasions- i'd advise do not go, however open minded your husband may seem, once you live there he may change especially under his mother's influence. It's a totally different culture over there and one where women, have little if any rights, especially in the small and traditional villages. You don't mention children but i personally realised i could never raise children in that kind of culture, although like any culture there are 100s of positives, and the country is beautiful, i knew i could never raise a daughter to believe getting raped would be her fault or a son who may be subject to violence or death if he happened to be gay..... even in the big cities and shopping malls, groups of women were a rare sight, as the majority of them stay home....... although i respect their culture fully, when you have grown up with something different it is hard to fit in or accept it..... plus, although Kurdistan is usually described as safe compared to the rest of Iraq, this is not as certain as usual with the current happenings

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

If you listen to the news, you may get in; but getting out may not be so easy. No telling what may happen to tie up your husband's immigration documentation, and travel visa.

It could be even more complicated for you.

My sister married an Iranian. He was a Muslim, but converted to Christianity. His three older brothers and their families all live in Canada. His mother still lives in Iran. They all visit their mother without their wives. I now think I know why. She is a wealthy woman, and she is quite willful. She is a widow, who outlived their father, and all his brothers. So she now owns and runs a business with her second-husband. He has two adult married-daughters. One who lives in England, and the other in Canada.

I think you would be better off keeping your distance from his mother, and not going to Iraq. Have you been introduced by Skype? As a wife, do you know your rights traveling with your foreign husband?

You may find yourself in a situation where you have no choice; and your husband may not support or defend you. His mother clearly has much influence. She will insist that he controls you and she may not like you; or even try. You mention no father. She must not have a husband; so all she has is her boys. His mother is harsh, selfish, and over-bearing. She has nothing better to do with herself, but to be their mother until she's dead.

You knew these issues would arise long before-hand. You didn't prepare for them, now you are at the threshold and not sure what to do. My sister told her husband before they married that she will never go to his country. She would have to remain in American; or they could not marry.

She was diagnosed with Hodgekins Disease in 1990; and she passed away in 2000 from leukemia.

My brother-in-law has not set foot in Iran since my sister passed away; so his mother has to visit in America. She can well afford it. She and his step-father have plenty of money. She is a good woman and very intelligent. All her children live in another country. They left many years ago, and attended college in the United States and Canada. They are so westernized, they don't have a trace of an accent.

He will not go to Iran, because she will do everything to keep him and my niece in Iran. He has been an American-citizen for over 25 years. He has Canadian-citizenship as well. She would find a way to make it difficult for him to leave. She could very easily do it, she has that kind of power. Even he does not trust her.

I am not trying to scare you. You are dealing with a different culture, and a country in turmoil. You are better off not to go or should have your ducks in a row before you leave. You may not like his mother, and she has already given warning she may not like you. Let her come to meet you on your own turf. Stay in Holland.

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