A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I have been in a relationship with a man for about 2 years now however I find trusting him extremely difficult. Very early on in the relationship I found out that he's way of life is very different to mine. His lifestyle is one where he enjoys to go and party with his friends, get very drunk etc. My lifestyle is very different. I don't go out drinking and partying and find it very hard to be with someone who feels that is a norm. what makes me doubt him and not trust him additional to this laddish way of living, I find him checking out women in my presence, which makes me think what does he do outside of me. I also know he's been to lots of stags and lots of stripper things and it just makes me uneasy knowing he is like that. We have spoken about it and he doesn't go out as much now which is great however I still find him checking out women and it really gets me cross... to the point were i've walked out and told him to go and get that women instead of. It makes me feel as if im not good enough to keep his attention etc. I have spoken about it soo many times but he says im being sensitive and that he's not checking out anyone....Its got to a stage where it's affecting us soo badly that we argue almost every day as I cant take the fact that I feel unwanted, 2nd best and almost not good enough to keep his attention. When we go out im constantly paranoid he's looking at other women and turns into a huge fight. I cant even watch a TV program with him where there are attractive women who are semi naked or fleshy. Its driving me insane.Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2016): I was in the same situation as you were over two years ago.He loved going clubbing and drinking. I did none of that. My image of clubs and bars were bad. He suggested I go out with him a few times to see for myself how it is. I agreed and suggested him to try to not go as often. We both agreed. I went clubbing with him, although I still don't like it, my impression of clubs have changed. Girls aren't all over the guys and they don't make out at hallways or bathrooms. It's really just a bunch of peope drinking and dancing and having fun. Since I didn't know how to dance well, I even suggested he dance with another girl cuz she was a better dancer and he seem to enjoy it more. Of course, I wouldn't want him going every night, but occassionally is fine. As for Bars, I actually started enjoying going there. We sit around enjoying appetizers and a drink. I don't drink, but I enjoy sipping on my drink, eating and just talking to friends. Again, it really isn't as bad as I'd imagine.As for eyeing girls... well, I never really minded and funny thing is, I almost hit the sidewalk while driving and trying to check out a girl for HIM! Take it lightly have some fun with it. He will stop, trust me, cuz when he sees how awesome you are, he will start only looking at you. It's boring for me now cuz he never checks out girls anymore, and where he once used to point out how girls check him out, they don't anymore cuz he got flabby belly now lol hahaha. Point is, keep an open mind and enjoy your time together. Don't let anything stop you and him from having an awesome relationship!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2016): How has this lasted two whole years? If the problem is consistent; at what point is enough...enough? Were you expecting someone to offer a remedy that would make him stop eyeing other women? He likes partying and you don't. That's a compatibility issue. He doesn't seem to care how this all affects you or how it upsets you. You tear down your self-esteem rather than considering the fact that it is time to let this guy go.
One of the points of dating and courtship before committing is to determine how compatible you are as a matched couple. Evaluating personality traits, tempers, how capable someone is of exchanging affection, loyalty, and honesty. Trust is built on these traits. You don't commit first, then hope to change people once you can call someone your boyfriend.
What doesn't make sense is you discovered these differences early in the relationship. You held on because you thought with enough nagging you'd whip him into shape. That isn't how it goes. You can't fix or redesign other people to make you happy. You find a match with the character, personality traits, and attributes that are compatible to your own. Right from the start. Then you commit to a relationship based on a good foundation that will progress to higher levels. There's got to be love and respect exchanged.
Guys who spend a lot of time going to strip clubs, partying with their friends, attending frequent stag parties, and such; only have girlfriends to clean their apartments, cook, do their laundry, and offer them sex on demand. They otherwise live like they're single men. Flirting and cheating every little chance they get. They choose needy females willing to put up with their crap, and use their charms and looks to manipulate them.
The problem with women who hang on in spite of all this going on, is they start developing a complex. Touting all men are the same. They carry baggage from one relationship to the next; because they withstood so much torture and emotional trauma from one guy; the next guy has to suffer with it. Learn when and how to let go. Even if it hurts.
You have observed his behavior long enough to see he isn't going to change. All he has done is slowed down simply to arrest your nagging and pouting. Your dramatics only embarrass him, but they haven't changed him one bit. That is no way to conduct a relationship. Where's the love, trust, and respect?
Time to gather the courage to end the relationship. It's not getting better, and it isn't your responsibility to try and change people who don't intend to change of their own free will.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 March 2016):
 Of course this is very unsatisfactory for you - rightly so. You want one thing and he another. Something must change. If he isn't prepared to alter his lifestyle for you then you should think about going your separate ways.
If he can't stop eyeing up other women then he probably isn't for you. Some women might be prepared to put up with it, particularly if there are compensations, but you don't sound like one of them.
Sorry to give you the bad news but unless he is prepared to give up his bachelor lifestyle you won't ever rest easy.
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