A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I accepted to marry my fiance I knew that I would be giving up the family I have always wanted to have. Our parenting styles and ideas are too conflicted. I love him so much I'm willing to give this up, but recently he has started talking about when we will have children. How long can I hold on to my thoughts about this, I don't want to give in and make our child suffer? And how do I tell him I don't think he is fit to be a father? He is nearing 30 and wants to settle into this part of life now. Please give me some advice.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Whatever you do, tell him before you get married. He deserves to know that you are not going to bear his children.
Honestly, I'm surprised that you would give up children, though. If you don't want them now, you *will* want them in the future, and you'll be married to a poor father.
If you just want to spend the rest of your life with a guy, why marry? Marriage is for having kids. Getting married when you don't want to have kids will just make it harder to change your mind in the future.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I guess the question is why you think you gave up the option of parenthood when you accepted his proposal? Why did you accept his proposal in the first place if you are so incompatible?
I guess I'm a bit astonished that he doesn't know this about you already. Haven't you talked about this? Having children and a family is a major topic that needs to be discussed thoroughly before embarking on an engagement, let alone a marriage, at least it seems so to me!
Is there some reason you don't feel comfortable just saying to him, "honey, I thought we weren't going to have children because we'd never be able to agree on how to raise them. What has changed for you?"
Just talk to him about your feelings. I hope you feel comfortable doing so. If you don't, I would have to say that I'm uncertain if you should be proceeding with wedding plans at all until you sort this out.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Maybe you can clarify what these different ideas are. I find it hard to believe you would be willing to never have children in order to marry this man.
Maybe when you got married it should have been made clear to him that you never wanted children?
I think the only thing to do is tell him that you would love to have kids with him. But before you do, you need to agree on how you will raise those kids. If you can come to some kind of compromise then he can have his kids. If you can't, then no kids. Tell him lovingly you don't want to bring kids into an unstable home if you aren't in agreement. See how he reacts.
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A
female
reader, Megan Deetes  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 In what ways do you not think your fiance has potential to be a good parent?
If the behaviour you're talking about is only minor, there are parenting classes he could attend which might help. You both want to have children, and if he really wants to as much as you do, you already know he's dedicated and loving enough to want to support them and be there for them.
If the problems are more serious you might want to voice your concerns, having children is going to have a huge impact on your lives and obviously your children's too, but telling him might be hurtful for him, especially if it's something he really wants and is convinced he will be good at.
I can't be very specific in my awnswer though unless I know what makes you think he won't be a very good parent,
Feel free to message me if you want more specific advice =)
Megan
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