A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:ok how should i go about this relationship and am i wrong to feel this was? that is the question now here is the scenerio...i have been dating this man seriously for near a year, he is overall good to me and a joy to be around BUT he has an ex that he considers his best friend. i have seen a message from her hoping he would get dating out of his system and return to her. i have spoke with her met her she know i exist and that he cares. he has allowed her to few boundries now that he has me. she has the key to his house and he feels that it is ok for her to stop by even while i am present she sends messages all the time ( even when she says it is only for schedule reasons) the boundries are so blurred that she felt ok to just bring her thing to his house to stay so she can go to an appointment with his son. i feel as a woman with a make friend that if iam a friend i would back off cause i will always be that friend but i want my friend happy and would not even dream to taking advantage in such a way. i have let him know that i am uncomfortable with the situation and feel that as long as she is there ALL the time that we can never grow. he doesnt see that i dont hate her just her presence. he has said i am the one but i cant commit emotionally ... i love him and want him but dont feel he has enough room for me ANd her. he is overly protective of her as well and assures me that there is nothing there but my spidey sense says she is up to something. this is the cause of alot of negativity with us. there is more but that is the jist of it. i dont want her around sooo much and would feel better if she had someone and did not depend on him after all he is my man
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for all of your responses. i would like to update you guys....well yesterday i saw an text message from the ex saying that she is so confused that she isnt sure if they are broken up in her heart or just her mind and demamded a face to face. that hit me! i told him that she wants him back and is being super nice and understanding us with the hope of them getting back he insists that he cant go back and i am all he wants. he is only being nice cause she was there for him when his own mother was not and his child's mother wasn't so he feels he "owes" her but he cant see that she would ever do something underhanded. needless to say i think i have to let him go and he feels it cause he said he feels that he is losing me.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 January 2009):
 Personally I don't believe in telling your partner who he can talk to and who he can't. BUT I do believe in talking about limits and boundaries.
1. she needs to give the key back. ( if she needs to fed a pet or water flowers while the two of you are on vacation then she can have the key WHILE you are gone otherwise she doesn't need a key).
2. she is not over him. He likes the attention.
3. I'm not sure he is over her.
Without sounding like a totally irrational and jealous girlfriend I think it's time for you to tell him how it makes you feel to be put at second fiddle. Point it out to him.
It's incredible unhealthy to hang on to an ex like that specially when there is no children involved. How are they ever really able to "move on" ? Feeling are not a water faucet you can just shut off when it's convenient.
Honestly I would consider moving on, to find a man who is 100% yours. But that is me, I'm not good at "sharing".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): She is not just a friend. She is unapologetically interested in the demise of your relationship. And he, while possibly good-intentioned, is content to have a spare woman around in case things don't work out between you two. That is not fair. I would tell him that you're not the jealous type and that he can have as many female friends as he likes, but they have to be platonic relationships where NEITHER person is interested in anything more.
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A
female
reader, Rae1031 +, writes (26 January 2009):
I have been there too and I would hate to break the news to you, but if he is putting you second to his ex, then she is his priority and that is where you will stay even if you get married and move to a different state. When I was dating my now husband, our relationship started out with six months of his non-stop talking about how badly his ex-wife had hurt him when she cheated on him and then left him for the guy she was cheating with. He would also go on and on about how sad and depressed he is now because this situtation means that he could only see his son every other weekend. You would think that he was trying to confide in me and turn to me as a friend under the assumption that our friendship would grow into love as he healed from his wounds. Well at least that is what I thought. The longer I stayed with him the more I noticed that each time she called no matter what it seemed she wanted from him, he delivered, no questions asked. He paid his child support of course, but when she said she needed extra money he coughed it right up. He continued to pay her medical insurance because "that is the mother of his child and if she gets sick then how can she care for him?", he continued to pay her car insurance because "that is the mother of his child and if he gets sick she needs to be able to take him to the doctors" and the list goes on. One day I finally got fed up and asked him if she needed breast implants would he pay since that is the mother of his child and if she does not feel good about herself then she can not focus on being a good mother? It is really funny that you should mention your b/f ex wanting to spend the night at his place so that she could take her son to the doctor, because the same exact thing happened with mine. She lived in NC with their son and my, at the time b/f, lived in MD. Their son needed to see an eye doctor and I guess that there are just no eye doctors in the entire state of NC so she had to stay at his place to make the appointment in MD. It was not until the day came where he was complaining to me about how she wanted him to sign the title over for the car that he left her so she could get her own insurance, that I realized the reality of the situtation. When I asked him why he would have a problem with signing it over to her, he said because it was his first car and it meant a lot to him. I asked him then why don't he go get his car if it is so special to him and he said because she needs a car too. So, I said if you want for her to have the car then you should sign it over to her and let her pay her own insurance. He tried to justify himself for about 10 mins when it finally hit me that he was still head over heals in love with her and never wanted the marriage to end. He was doing all he could to be there for her and keeping himself attached to her in anyway possible. I did stay with him and now we are married and live 1000s of miles away from her. Their son lives with us now and of course he does not expect her to pay child support. You would think that he would have no real reason to spend any excessive amount of time talking to her since their son is 12 and can speak for himself when she calls - WRONG! My husband will find any and every excuse in the book to get on the phone and speak to her for hours in Spanish, so I have no clue what he is saying. He has also lied to me and continued to pay her car insurance after he told me he canceled the policy. So he is still in love with her and I am still playing second fiddle to her only now also raising and helping to support her son too! This is what you have to look forward to when you are dealing with a man that has chosen you only because he can not have the women that he really loves. You deserve better and so do I.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This woman is obviously holding on to the idea that he is coming back to her and that you are just a faze that hes going through, she could be delusional or right, I don’t have real advise, but I would’ve given him an ultimatum, but from my experience with men, they don’t like ultimatums, but I guess you cant really lose what you never had, walk away from this relationship, tell him that you love him and why you need to go, if you have already told him how uncomfortable this makes you, and he didn’t take you serious, then he needs to see how serious you are, and if you are the ONE for him, he WILL get his ex out of your lives, please let me know how it goes, and good luck dear, just remember that you are worth a lot more than what you getting right now
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male
reader, Leo Gallagher +, writes (26 January 2009):
You are absolutely correct. A good man chooses and has room for only ONE woman.
Name a fairy tale where the prince and princess live happily ever after along with the prince's ex-girlfriend. No such story exists.
Your man needs to get rid of his female friend. It may be a sacrfice for him, but if you are important enough to him, he will choose you.
It is EXTREMELY selfish of him to keep his ex-girlfriend around.
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