A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have been with my man for 7 years now. We love each other but sometimes I wonder if we are right for each other. In the 7 years he has treated me very nice and very bad at times. He does not trust me all because I told a lie when we were 16 years old about my ex bf. He constantly accuses me of cheating. He calls me a bad wife, stupid b*%^$, piece of Sh**, trash and the list goes on. When these things happen I am crushed I cry and I beg him to tell me what is going on. He never really does tell me though, he just keep saying the same things over and over. We have been having a very hard time. 2010 was a rough spot for us and we made it through promising each other 2011 will be better. He would learn how to control his anger and I would watch my attitude towards him. So far this year things have been ok, we talk more and he doesn't demand sexual favors as he had done in the past (one of our biggest issues is that I feel he does not value me without sex) He would get mad if i did not give him anything each night and become violently verbally abusive and very scarey to me. Things have been good for about 2 months. My husband does not work and I support our family so I wanted to go to sleep. Last night I was not feeling well and I have been very tired, he offered by himself to give me a massage. So we get ready for bed and lay down,i ask him if he still wants to (b/c i really could have used it) he said "that was a long time ago" and I said "it was about 10 mins ago" and he got so mad at me saying " I knew you were just going to talk Sh** to me" and blew up and left the room. I am done following him so I just laid in bed thinking what went wrong there. He came back and told me I am a piece of Sh** wife and got upset that our dog was outside (the dog had been out for maybe 30 mins). He yelled at me to get up and go get the dog inside "you stupid Bit**" So I got get the dog and make sure he has water and food and I go lay back down. A few minutes later he comes back in saying "don't talk to me, don't text me, don't act all nice making me dinner, don't come home for lunch and to sleep with my son in his bed" I am honestly scared of my husband especially when he is like this so I do what he says and go lay down in my sons room. A few minutes later he comes into my sons room and says "do you want me to leave?" this is so annoying to me b/c every time we fight he always asks this. I tell him no i don't want him to leave and I don't understand what happened. I asked him several times to tell me what I did and all he says is I talk sh** to him. He wont tell me specifics and he is just angry and fuming mad at me. He is breathing hard and red in the face. Something that really made me nervous last night was that he played basketball and almost got into a fight with someone he was playing with. He stopped himself from hitting the guy b/c he knows that he is a MAN now not a child any longer so i was proud that he stopped. But I feel like he might have brought that anger home with him and took it out on me. I am scared of him.I really feel that we are not meant to be honestly but I cant get myself to leave him and he wont leave even though he says he wants to. When he does leave he packs a backpack and a blanket and walks around and lives like a homeless person, when he could just easily go to his parents. I feel like he is doing it to get my attention, wants me to beg for him to come back. People believe me I have it in me, but I am scared to stand up for myself to him. He threatens me and says that if I were a guy he would knock me out. So yes I am scared of him. He has hit me in the past but he denies it saying it wasn't that bad. I feel lucky when we are doing good and when he wants to do good. I am so scared to leave him b/c i don't know what he will do. He threatens suicide and to hurt me or to just disappear. His family are the only ones I can talk about this to and they pretty much tell me to wait it out and do what he wants me to do. I am compromising myself so much trying to be what he wants me to be. I cant get away from this. I am scared. I am more scared what he would do with himself than I am for myself. I don't know what he will do but it wont be good. I have a feeling when I return from work he will apologize and try to make thing like this has never happened. But this has been going on way too long for me. I am sick of the same thing over and over. Him saying I'm not good enough or criticizing me on anything. He is not very supportive of anything I do. I don't have friends I hang out with I dont do anything other than work, school online and home. He has friends and works out and does other things. This seems to be a pattern, every few weeks we just blow up and have to put the pieces back together. although we have been doing good for a couple months. I need help understanding this is bad and wrong and he is bad. I KNOW these things but why cant I leave him? We have good times and I love them and we are great together sometimes. But when it is bad its awful. and I don't think I can live like this forever. We are not supposed to fight like this as often as we do. I am not supposed to hear bad things being said about me from the person who I have given everything to. I feel unappreciated and abused. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am lost angry and Scared.
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 You need to put a plan together for your child and you to leave, either temporarily or permanently, but leave as soon as possible. Where are your parents, siblings, extended family? Is there someone you could stay with temporarily?You should not take a stand against your husband and put yours and/or your child's safety at risk. Are there guns in the house?Your husband needs treatment from a mental health professional but it is not your responsibility to get him to go.Any parent who hears what you told his parents should be appalled and take you and their grandson in themselves and read their son the riot act. Because they "pretty much tell me to wait it out and do what he wants me to do" I suspect your husband learned his behavior from his father and this behavior may still be going on in their home.7 years is a lot of time out of the 22-25 years you are. You will feel a lot better the moment you start making plans and writing them down. Once you start executing these plans you will feel even better. I truly wish you and your son all the best.
A
female
reader, katie3  +, writes (24 February 2011):
I can't ignore how many times you have said 'i am scared'. No woman should feel that way in a relationship.
He is supposed to be everything you have said he is not!
You sound like your life is on the up, with school and work. Leave him behind.
There must be services in place and people that can help you in your area. You live once, and this can't be what you wished for x
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