A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Over the past year my ex has been in contact with me (up until now it's been three years since we were last together - he broke it off with me because his feelings apparently changed), it's been on and off contact. He was always quite flirty and we even tried to meet up but of course last minute he said that something came up. It was always the way. He'd reply a little and then stop for weeks. Recently he sent me a suggestive message and I had a feeling he had been drinking and was so fed up of his erratic contact I didn't bother getting back to him so then he mailed me being quite friendly... and then he asked me to meet up with me because he hasn't seen me in ages... and a few days ago he asked me to be his date for his friend's wedding... he's best man... and also I know his friend's through him quite well so I was going to be asked as a guest anyway but it's also months away so it's not like he's desperate for a date... *breathes out*I said yes as I've (silently) forgiven him for the past and the bride is delighted that we're going together and we're trying to plan meeting up now... but the thing is I don't know what he wants?! He's being sweet and flirty but I don't necessarily know if it's a friendly thing or not and if he wants a relationship again then I don't understand because he's always been dreadful in relationships including us. He just can't keep them going for some reason or another... I don't need another heartbreak but I still have feelings for him, they just lay dormant for a while. Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cerberus!
Everything you said makes absolutely perfect sense, it's exactly what I needed to hear. He actually didn't even bother in the end to meet up & completely ignored my last mail. I've put up with this behaviour for the past year and I'm done facilitating it! I don't deserve it & I'm too good for it.
I've decided that I'm not going to go to the wedding with him. It was stupid saying yes in the first place!
Thank you again for your excellent advice, you could not have been more spot on!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): "I don't need another heartbreak."
Well that's what you're going to get and are currently getting.
OP this guy is completely unreliable in all ways and you want to trust him with your feelings again?
He keeps dangling himself in fron of you like a carrot then pulling that away from you. Isn't that exactly the reason you didn't work out the first time? Because he doesn't feel that way about you. Well what makes you think he feels that way about you now when for the past year he has been so flaky about meeting up, not exactly the behaviour of a guy who needs to spend time with you is it?
No OP, you're a convenience, nothing more and he can take you or leave you. Can't he like?
I mean his behaviour is as obvious as the nose on his face, when he's in the mood he'll have some flirty online fun with you but it when comes down to hanging out and doing stuff he's not all that bothered.
He doesn't want anything OP but a bit of fun, maybe he'll even stick it in you if he's feeling in the mood. But he's spent the past year doing nothing at all to win you over, nothing at all to get you back and now he's found it convenient for him to take you to a wedding because he probably doesn't know any other girls that he could take as they're probably going anyway.
"he's always been dreadful in relationships including us"
What makes you think he's any different?
I think you've gotten into that dreaded blind by love thing OP, this situation is not even slightly complicated, all the signs of how he is, what he wants and what's going to happen are very clear, but your heart wants to believe there's a chance because you've been feeding it his sweetness and flirtiness all along.
Look at these main points again and tell me what it says about him and how he sees you.
-"it's been on and off contact"
-"tried to meet up but of course last minute he said that something came up."
-"He'd reply a little and then stop for weeks."
-"a few days ago he asked me to be his date for his friend's wedding" but "I was going to be asked as a guest anyway"
-"he's always been dreadful in relationships including us" and "He just can't keep them going for some reason or another"
Come on, can you really not see what you mean to him and what this is? You really think that this is going to work out in any kind of nice way for you?
You know he only invited you to the wedding because he knew you'd be there anyway, so he kind of had to say it or you may have turned up there a bit pissed off.
OP you're a convenience to him and if it's conveniant he'll stick it in you too, but he's made no attempt to win you back, he's making no effort to even spend time with you as a friend.
So not only is he a pretty shitty friend who keeps backing out of shit, it is still 100% clear that he would not be good for you in a relationship either.
Come on OP, stop thinking with your heart and letting it's hope consume you, look at this logically and think with your head. This guy simply is not good for you and even if trying again was something he decided while drunk and at that wedding the best case scenario is that he's just completely useless and unreliable and that means no matter what you're still going to get hurt.
Move on.
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