A
female
age
26-29,
*ulu31
writes:Hey Cupid’s,I’ve been feeling a certain way with my boyfriend a while now that things aren’t quite right. We live together and although we love and respect each other in certain ways. I don’t know if I can see myself growing old with him and feeling like I’m absolutely in love with him. I met him through a friend, 3 years back and originally was besotted by him. Until i realised we have very different ways of communicating. He is very black and white about things and won’t pick up when I’m feeling sad, etc. My dad died recently and it’s making me question and reasses things more. When he passed, I barely involved my current boyfriend at all. Since he’s just found a full time job (out of uni) he’s going out t festivals and clubs which is just not my thing (he’s 31, I’m 26) and I just don’t know where we go from here when I feel like our values don’t match.I love and respect him, and feel like we’d be very happy if we stayed together, but equally I don’t feel madly in love with him. I see lots of my friends lose a lot of their identities because they’re so in love with someone else and equally I don’t want that..I don’t know if I should stick with my boyfriend or leave Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (1 September 2021):
 Even though you love and respect him i feel that in terms of a future relationship you are a million miles apart.
I think the initial attraction of when you first met has worn away and you can now see things in a more clearer perspective.
You are 3 years into this relationship and you both have no clear goal of where you want to be, as it seems that you both want different things.
By your own admission your not sure if you can see yourself growing old with him, and you have different ways of communicating.
I think with the feelings you are having i would not rush into anything only to regret it further down the line. Maybe sit down and have a chat and express the way you are feeling, and where you want to be this time next year, or the year after.
Maybe some time apart to gather your thoughts and decide what you really want might be a good place to start. Getting married and starting a future with someone is a big step, and if you are having doubts then its better to step back rather than proceed ahead. You should not marry someone your not totally in love with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): I'm sorry for your loss. Grief makes you question absolutely everything. I would advise against making any life altering decisions for several months after your loss unless you are very certain it's the right decision. Is it possible that you feel your values dont match because he is going out and having a good time when you feel so sad? So its not really a question of core values but of temporary emotions? Do you feel that you need more support from him but you're not getting it? Have you explained to him that you need more support from him right now?
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (31 August 2021):
 So sorry for your loss. You are still grieving so you will be dealing with many emotions. Give yourself time to grieve and have a think about your relationship further along. Women usually mature a bit quicker than men but he is at that age where that shouldnt be too long for catch up. Let him get the clubbing out of the way and see how the land lies. Wont be ling before he will be the oldest swinger in town. You do talk positively about him which suggests theres still things to work on. It takes years to get to know someone fully and youve already got three years in. Give him a bit more time. Find time together and talk about how you feel. He might need some enlightening.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): My condolences on the loss of your father. May God grant you peace, and comfort for your loss.
This comment was very profound:
"Since he’s just found a full time job (out of uni) he’s going out t festivals and clubs which is just not my thing (he’s 31, I’m 26) and I just don’t know where we go from here when I feel like our values don’t match."
You have to be on the same page in order for a relationship to progress to the next level. If you're uneven about your ideals, expectations, and approach to maintaining a relationship; you're forced to search for ways to compensate for the deficiencies. That sometimes exposes incompatibility. You can't build trust.
I suspect you're settled, and done with partying; and he's still carrying-on like back in the day. You want a mature and serious relationship; and he doesn't seem to be there yet. Don't get me wrong, you still should enjoy life. You're both still young. You need to get-out and socialize and have fun. Yet, you need to know how to keep all things in-balance; and prioritize those important things in your life. You have plans and goals. Over the age of 25, you can't be all over the place. You should have some idea of where you're going with your life.
I also sense that you're looking forward to settling-down and marriage. You apparently don't foresee that with him in particular. You're questioning your true feelings about him. Trust your gut. If doubt and restlessness persists; your relationship may have run it's course.
It's not enough to just get-along, or be sexually-compatible. You have to feel a deep connection, have a sense of reliability/stability; there has to be a working-partnership that holds it all together. You are individuals, but when it comes to the relationship; you have to feel that it has growth-potential. It has to withstand some bumps and snags; and you're both at an equivalent maturity-level. Being on the same-page allows for growth, and moving your relationship to the next level. You can't rush or pressure people who aren't ready. You'll realize that to be a big mistake down the road.
This what you sit-down and talk about. You both have to be ready to compromise. Assess the condition of your relationship; and know where it is going after being three years into it. You shouldn't be having doubts or trepidations; you should have some idea of where your life and relationship is headed. I consider 3-5 years into a relationship, the "make-it or break-it" phase. People over 30 shouldn't waste a lot of precious time partying and goofing-off! Get your acts together!
Sweetheart, careful not to overthink things. Grief has a tendency to make us stop and look back over our lives, and ahead to see where it's going. Deal with your grief first; then deal with your relationship. Your emotions are too mixed, due to your recent loss; but your mind is on the right track. Take it a day at a time; don't make rash decisions. If you do have a discussion regarding your relationship and where it's going, pay close attention; don't get upset when you don't hear what you want to hear. There are two-sides in a relationship; and you have to know what his needs and feelings are too. You should not marry anyone you're not in-love with; and surely not anyone you're not sure what it is you feel for them.
I hope you'll read all the responses you get to see this from different perspectives. It's a very important decision.
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