A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What is up with me?I tend not to respond emotionally to situations but to think about the best way to respond. Recently my brother called to tell me my nephew was involved in a road accident, i was at work at the time. I asked a couple of questions and said i will be over as soon as i finish work, don't think it was the answer my brother wanted to hear.I know i'm cold and i try my hardest not to be. My thoughts do not always recognize other peoples feelings. I and my brother were both abused by our father and i was made to watch my father abusing my brother. While my brother seems to have moved on, i have not. After 13 years i still see a councilor and i know i find expressing my feelings very hard. I love my nephews to bits but the fact that i said i'll be there after work just goes to show i don't know how to react
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 I think you already know what is up with you. Your past has damaged you as a person, changed you emotionally and is probably still draining you to this day. You said you would be over after work, maybe that is not what your brother wanted to hear, but if it is all you are capable of giving well then that is your choice.
I think you are a cold person because off the abuse you suffered. You where only a child and did not deserve what happened you or what you have saw. I can totally understand why you would have a guard up and not let it down, not show your feelings. It is not a case of getting over the past, it is a case of learning to live with it. If you feel the counselling is not helping, then make an appointment with someone else. Change therapists if needs be, try new things. Hopefully something will work. Take small steps. Wake up and make a list of things you will do for the day and try. Maybe try harder to listen to someone, or advice someone on a problem they have. Start small and be positive tell yourself you care.
It is not a case that you did not know how to react, or that you did not care. It is a case that you automatically switch off and don't want to deal with these issues. That is okay. It does not make you a bad or unthoughtful person.
A
male
reader, Not good enough  +, writes (14 May 2016):
You have an attachment disorder like myself.
That's who you are.
Be nice
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 You know what is up with you. You even go to therapy for it, and I don't think what you experienced growing up is something you should "get over". It made an impact on you, it's a question of learning to live with, not learning to forget/get over.
I am not going to play a doctor, but having experienced similar upbringing AND then not having emotions, my guess is that it's a defense mechanism. That's why my therapists told me (I see a new one every 4-6 years or so, so Im not "getting over" anything either).
If you were to touch your feelings and let them flood through you, they might be too much to carry. They might overwhelm you, and keeping them at a distance might just be what is enabling you to function, work, and live life.
When I started to feel again, it took me years to learn how to deal with the feelings. I am still struggling with it at times, I just feel too much, and there is so much anger and pain. If I look into it I can just start crying, there's too much of it. If I was to feel these emotions all the time, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, work, or live a normal life. I too hold back on the feelings, even though I have opened the gate and it's flowing through me. Letting it all out at once might very well throw me into a depression.
If you wish to feel more, be aware that going back into numbing yourself can be difficult, if not impossible. You are no longer in a place where you can be abused or hurt bt your father, or anyone. But having numbed yourself you haven't dealt with the feelings from your past, and your inner child. Opening up can be rough, maybe too rough.
If your brother asks you about it, or you feel a need to explain yourself, just tell them that you have too much to carry, and can't let it out. That you are happier being emotionally distant and prefer it this way. Because you are allowed to hold your feelings back and be numb, no one has the right to force you to open up the gates and let all your feelings flow. That is your choice only.
It's not as if feeling things is all just positive. Sure, it enables me to love someone, and care intensely and deeply, but it also causes me to feel all the pain. There were times when I wished I was still numb and cold. But I learned some mental tricks and am now able to go "hide" again if things become too much, although I can't hide for years any longer, just days or weeks at a time.
Don't know if this makes sense. Just know that you are not the only one who experiences this and that the choice is yours. Nothing wrong in self preservation, and if that means emotional numbing then so be it.
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