A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My now ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for almost two years. I just broke up with him yesterday because his verbal abuse reached a new low. We've had an incredibly tumultuous and disastrous relationship and after trying to break up with him for a year, I finally ended it.The only problem is that I still love him and I miss him tremendously. My heart keeps trying to convince me that I want to be with him and I know that's not the answer. I somehow seem to forget all the bad things he does/says to me after a day and I want to take him back. Like I said before, I've been trying to break up with him for a year, and about 10x I "succeeded" for about a day MAX, and then I'd welcome him back with open arms because I'm so weak when it comes to him.How do I get rid of this doubt? I know I am doing the right thing for myself, but not only do I miss him, but I feel so bad for him. He is verbally abusive, yes, but when he's not, he is the most wonderful, charming, sweet, caring man EVER. I know that seems completely unimaginable and I know every woman thinks that of an abusive partner, but it's true. He thinks of me first always and that's what I keep remembering, not the pain he causes me.I don't know how to begin to move on. I don't want to keep repeating the past over and over again. I want to keep him out of my life, but it's so hard when he keeps sending me pitiful emails and texts and tries to call me and begs for me back. Help...
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 He's manipulating you and controlling you. He obviously has major issues, insulting and abusing you one day and then being "sweet, caring" the next. Ban yourself from speaking to him (cut off all contact) for a few weeks and see how you feel. I bet your self esteem will be improved and you'll find out that you can survive perfectly well without him. I saw my sister go through an emotionally abusive relationship, and like you, she often took him back because he seemed so pathetic after their breakups. He always apologized and told her that he would change. He never did. It ended the day he physically hit her (gave her a bad black eye). Me and the rest of our family physically restrained her from going back to him. Now, two years later she is happier than she has ever been and is thankful for us not allowing her to go back to someone who made her feel worthless. Don't let it get physically violent with this guy, don't give him the chance to abuse you again.
You can do better than this, you don't deserve abuse of any sort. You have ended it now, so all you have to do is restrain your impulse to reply to any of his messages. Remember how badly he has treated you, and how much he has manipulated you... don't even let yourself entertain the idea of getting back with him... a guarantee you'll feel better once you have gone through the withdrawal period. It'll be a true test of your strength but I am sure you are strong enough.
Good luck.
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