| A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: This thing happened to me when I was 13 years old. I used to meet my cousins on vacations when we had a large family get-together. I had this particular male cousin who was of the same age as me. We both never had any girlfriends ever and were completely inexperienced about sex apart from knowing what it was. However we were open about discussions of sex and stuffs with each other. At farmhouse of our get together there were a lot of rooms and we were given one such room where we used to sleep at night. So one fine night after getting to bed we started talking about sex and one thing led to the other. We started exploring each other's bodies. I don't know what lead us to do this, perhaps out of curiousity. We were completely naked and started kissing each other's bodies. For only once did we kiss on the lips but didn't like it. It didn't feel wrong what we were doing. I didn't use to masturbate till then but I watched him do it. We didn't penetrate each other. It happened only once on this trip. However the next year we again met at vacation and had a similar experience. After that we didn't meet often and never mentioned or talked about our experience, though we're still in talking terms over phone once a while.Why I ask about this now is that our experience has remained in my mind since then. It was my first and only sexual encounter of any kind. I'm totally straight in my sexual thoughts. However sometimes when I'm horny I like to think about him and our experience. These thoughts have been coming to my mind of late. I've never felt any kind of attraction to any other male except him. My arousal has always been towards girls, but the thought about this particular person is the only homosexual thought I ever have. In terms of pornography watchinv experience too I have never been able to watch gay porn. My question is whether there is any chance that I'm not able to understand my sexuality? Will this create problems later on with my sex life or relationships with women?P.S. I don't consider myself a gay as I have never felt any kind of homosexual attraction to anyone except this cousin.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (20 May 2020):
 I suspect it has remained in your mind because it was your "first and only". Just because you replay it in your mind when you are horny does not mean you want to go there again or that you are gay. People often fantasize about all sorts of things they don't actually want in real life. In fantasies we are in complete control and can take the scenario anywhere we want. Reality is a completely different thing.
No idea where you are in the world but assuming you may be in lock down at the moment. This gives you more time to go over things in your head. Once lock down is over, I would recommend you get out more and socialize more. Hopefully in time you will meet a young lady who will take your mind off your first encounter, although it will always remain your "first".
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 May 2020):
 I really don't think it's an uncommon experience you had with your cousin. It was not because of "sexual orientation" but happened due to availability. Had your cousin been a girl and you had had the same openness and curiosity it might have happened with a girl instead of a boy.
It wad about curiosity and opportunity. That is all. And since it a positive experience you remember it as such.
I think at age 13 you were both just curious and things like sexual orientation means nothing in reality at that age. I hear kids (pre teens) call themselves ace, gay or bi or whatnot yet they haven't had any real romantic or sexual experiences, all the labels are just there and in your face from before you even have started building you personality, you boundaries etc. You are at age 13 not quite a man and still very much a boy. And while you might have thought about sex it was still somewhat without clarity.
Having had this experiences doesn't MAKE you anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2020): P.S.
Furthermore, consider the fact that up to this point; you have not pursued another male-on-male encounter, or fantasized about any other male. You've ruminated on a couple of encounters with a curious same-sex partner back in your puberty; only because it is your first and only sexual-experience of any kind. Bisexuality and homosexuality (I consider both one in the same) is much more intense, more easily recognized, and likely to be more pronounced in your thoughts and behavior. It would be somewhat more established in your sexual-orientation; not just a memory of an encounter with a male-cousin back when you were only 13.
The fantasy focuses more on sharing something in secrecy; the innocence of being totally open, honest, and trusting with each-other. Maybe less on the sexual-content. Don't dwell on the fantasy too much, or overthink it. Judging by your post, it's not your true-nature.
Whatever you consistently feed into the mind that doesn't belong there, builds a nest and stays there! That's why we have mental-filters, develop self-control, and practice impulse-control. Not all things are good for you, just because they feel good!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2020): Grammatical correction:
"Any man is capable or curious; but a true heterosexual-male will not pursue or feel an "emotionally-connected" sexual-attraction for another male."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2020): If you're wondering if your pubescent experiment makes you a homosexual or closet case? You're nowhere near gay!
You were just two kids who explored your sexuality; but in your childhood-innocence, were not connecting in a homosexual context. Boys being boys!
It was testing your sense of sexual-arousal, and messing around with a curiosity, but your mind isn't programmed or wired that way. The experience was pleasurable in the sense of human touch and closeness to someone you love; but there was no connection made to convert you to a definitive sexual-attraction towards men.
You literally outgrew it! As would all healthy heterosexual-males, who experiment without any true homosexual-tendencies. Any man is capable or curious, but a true heterosexual-male will not pursue or feel a "emotionally-connected" sexual-attraction for another male. Though a straight-guy can still see another male as handsome. Guys workout and body-build to achieve a male-physique that they consider impressive; and set their goal based on the inspiration of another male's body. Not gay! His hope is that females will be sexually-attracted; and he will impress and intimidate other males. In the natural order of things, for a straight-guy. It's different for gay-men.
Sir, you are fine. It was the experience that was pleasurable; and it would have been equally as pleasurable, had it been with a female. I am gay, but lost my virginity to an older-female. I had sex with other girls afterward. It was a wonderful and pleasurable experience. I recall all of it to this day! Yet, my attraction is to men; both emotionally and physically. I'm not aroused or attracted to just any male, just because I'm gay. Perhaps, because by nature I'm monogamous; and have a natural-proclivity to focus my attractions on a particular individual.
It hasn't impeded or affected your heterosexuality in any way, shape, or form. Just don't dwell on the thoughts. Avoid porn, which sometimes feeds into covert perversions or fetishes, thereby opening dark-corners of the mind. Otherwise, you will be just fine.
You are comfortable within your skin, and have no phobias regarding those having that nature. Just stick to what comes natural.
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