A
female
age
41-50,
*amiea
writes:Hi everyone. I'm going to start off by saying I feel like I have really accepted that part of him, soemtimes anyways. But I just cant stop snooping. I worry all the time that he is cheating, why you ask becuase I was with a guy before him who cheating and abused me for 5 years. ANd I did not do the right thing, I just jumped into the next relationship, but I love him and he is my husband now. We have been together for almost 4 years. Yes has he given me reason to mistrust. He has lied, he has had his porn problem, I have never caught him smelling, or anything of another woman. I mean he had a picture on his phone but, the girl wasnt naked. Anyway I mean he is really a typical male. Not in touch with emotions, doesnt communicate well at all. He is very not trustworthy of the world. SO he never talks about me to anyone or anything ( like at his work). It makes me feel like I am secret. BUt His family knows and all the imp ppl know. I guess that makes me feel like hes hiding me, but I know in a part of me hes not. See I know how he is, I know what he is all about, But I just cant seem to trust. I think if I could trust him. Everything around me will get better. I am a worry wart. I snoop through his phone. THat is the only thing I snoop through now. ITs been two weeks since I did it. I did find a number in there of a girl, without a name, but again in his line of work (maintanince man) he gets a lot of side jobs, and he knows me by now not to be that stupid to put it in his phone).His phone causes problems. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about snooping through his phone. It makes me so mad at myself. I dont want to snoop anymore. THat thing is the one thing I guess that will tell me if he is cheating. I mean he doesnt even spend any money. But for some reason I just cant seem to get over this crap. He doesnt do anything wrong, its me. ITS LIKE OCD with not trusting. I am truley and utterly tired of being this way. I think this is why I sit around all day and am not motivated to do anything. I realzied I was negelecting my oldest child because of my stupid ways. God I feel bad about that one, but it is never to late to fix that . I just hug him everyday now. lol. I want to wake up in the mornging and be happy. I want to not worry about him cheating. Like everyone else says if he cheats he cheats you will find out eventually. But when syou ahve been cheated on before and you felt like a fool becuase you didnt even know it. So of coarse I dont want to let that happen. If there were signs of him cheating I would think not, but there aren't. I maybe feel this way becuase he isnt that affectionate, sex is boring soemtimes, we dont kiss, but that is just how he is, and has been that way for a long ass time. SO its not like boom he stopped. I feel like maybe if I felt more loved I wouldnt be so thinking hes cheating. I look good. Im not fat, Im pretty. It all seems so complicated. But I really want to say and beleive well if he cheats he cheats Ill find out. I figure if I dont snoop, if I can stop touching his phone I am good. I was doing real well for a while, and then we got into fight and I got bad again. But I even get mad when he takes that damn thing into bed with him. He started doing it cause he got mad at me for going through is stuff. I want to be normal. I want to trust him. I have to fix me and I don't know how. I dont even want to think like that anymore. I have come a long way. I use to be real bad. I just need some advice. I dont think I make him happy, but that is his fault. lol. HE doesnt communicate really well. SO I ask him if hes happy he says he guesses so. What an ass. He use to hold me when i got upset, now he doesnt, but I guess cause I cried so much and it just seems to be me the emotional basket case that cries over everything, and I admit soemtimes I do. THat he is num to it. HELP HELP HELPPlease dont give me any negative feed back I dont think I could handle that. I am really at my last breaking point. I dont want to loose my family.
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female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 You're humana, all humans are curious so don't beat yourself up about it. You WILL get over this!! The hardest thing is to not look at what you snoop on, once you haven't looked after a few days then have a look, you will find that nothing has changed, gradually you will spend longer amounts of time not looking until you don't feel the need to look anymore. X
A
female
reader, jamiea +, writes (27 February 2009):
jamiea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with all of you. Thank you. He tells me that I do need to get out more. Being a stay at home mom is new to new. I mean yeah I have been a stay at home mom now for 18 months now. But that was a and still is a hard adjustment. See we moved here from fl to IL. OMG big change. Then we got married so we got married and had a baby within months of each other. THat was hard to get through. Its ahrd for me cause sometimes I do feel like I have lost who I was. I went from always working being a career woman, to being a stay at home mom, catering to everyone and thier needs. I dont really have many friends, and I dont go out that ( i have two 7 and 18 months). Doing more activities with them, enjoying them more. They seem to lift my spirits. I try. Its just I get so down sometimes I dont want to do anything. I guess sometimes I ahte living here becuase it is so cold and damn you can never get out side. Seasonal depression.
I figure if I stop snooping then that will be the biggest battle to overcome, because like the reader said above it does become an obsession.
I try to remind myself when I think hes cheating that he wouldnt do that, he loves me and all that good stuff. SOmetimes it works sometimes it doesnt.
I beleive maybe I am not the one that is happy and maybe I am pushing him away. But I am willing to make my marriage work. HE is trying, and you guys are right I need to give him the benefit of a doubt. I mean all men arent perfect, everyone makes mistakes, I know I have. He is trying but it is taking so damn long for his changes. but again I know how he is and I tell him I apprecaite his change.
You know I would love to make an evening out of it as well. but I really never know what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home. Myabe I will try to put something nice on tommorrow night and when the kids are in bed have some mommy and daddy time and make it all about him.
DRAMA free.
You guys were great. It felt so good after I typed all what I did. It relieved a lot. I need to learn how to have fun again. Instead of being so uptight. I have had to be so hard though in my life. Ok ok. Well I will update you guys on my snooping, lets get this issue out of the way. I want to stop thinking about snooping. I WILL CONQUER this damit.
I tend to beat myself up about everything.
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A
female
reader, jamiea +, writes (27 February 2009):
jamiea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with all of you. Thank you. He tells me that I do need to get out more. Being a stay at home mom is new to new. I mean yeah I have been a stay at home mom now for 18 months now. But that was a and still is a hard adjustment. See we moved here from fl to IL. OMG big change. Then we got married so we got married and had a baby within months of each other. THat was hard to get through. Its ahrd for me cause sometimes I do feel like I have lost who I was. I went from always working being a career woman, to being a stay at home mom, catering to everyone and thier needs. I dont really have many friends, and I dont go out that ( i have two 7 and 18 months). Doing more activities with them, enjoying them more. They seem to lift my spirits. I try. Its just I get so down sometimes I dont want to do anything. I guess sometimes I ahte living here becuase it is so cold and damn you can never get out side. Seasonal depression.
I figure if I stop snooping then that will be the biggest battle to overcome, because like the reader said above it does become an obsession.
I try to remind myself when I think hes cheating that he wouldnt do that, he loves me and all that good stuff. SOmetimes it works sometimes it doesnt.
I beleive maybe I am not the one that is happy and maybe I am pushing him away. But I am willing to make my marriage work. HE is trying, and you guys are right I need to give him the benefit of a doubt. I mean all men arent perfect, everyone makes mistakes, I know I have. He is trying but it is taking so damn long for his changes. but again I know how he is and I tell him I apprecaite his change.
You know I would love to make an evening out of it as well. but I really never know what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home. Myabe I will try to put something nice on tommorrow night and when the kids are in bed have some mommy and daddy time and make it all about him.
DRAMA free.
You guys were great. It felt so good after I typed all what I did. It relieved a lot. I need to learn how to have fun again. Instead of being so uptight. I have had to be so hard though in my life. Ok ok. Well I will update you guys on my snooping, lets get this issue out of the way. I want to stop thinking about snooping. I WILL CONQUER this damit.
I tend to beat myself up about everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): Get a hold of yourself woman. Does he define your life? No, you have your own. You shouldn't have entered into a relationship without healing from the past...it can take years...they say as long as the abuse started until it ended. Now I do feel sympathy for you, but you're torturing yourself, and it isn't doing you 1 bit of good, is it? You're a good woman, but you're really making your husband suffer and he's getting tired of it. You're making him pay for your ex's sins and that's not fair. He wants you to move on. Can you do that for him? Do you love him enough to trust him? Everything is going to be o.k. Like Damluvaan said, get yourself out and Do more to enrich your life. You will feel so much better, and your thoughts won't control you so much. One day at time, you can do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): First, I would stop the snooping and try to make an effort to put some zing back into things:) Maybe he feels neglected and isn't responding to you the way he should, just doesn't know how to tell ya. A special evening with something you know he'll love and make it about him for that one night. You'd be surprised how fast he could turn around when he looks forward to being with you w/out the drama and feels like a "man". It's worth a shot and ya never know, may just be the way to open him up. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (26 February 2009):
 You need to relax and calm down with your snooping practices. You clearly mistrust him. You need to step back and start believing in your man and trust him to do the right thing. It can be hard when you've had previous relationships hurt you, but you need to leave the past in the past. Your husband is *not* your ex-bf. You need to start breaking the habit, otherwise you are going to be tearing this relationship down by your distrust to a point it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because he starts getting sick of your distrust and seeks out trust from someone else. Let him have your trust until he does something truly to lose it.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (26 February 2009):
I haven't got kids and haven't been with my boyfriend for as long as you have but I know how you are feeling. I used to snoop all of the time! His phone, his facebook and myspace accounts...anything I could get into. It became an obsession!!! I talked to my boyfriend, I sat him down and told him exactly how I felt, I told him I was thinking of ending our relationship and it shocked him and so he opened up to me and went back to being romantic. I never had any reason to snoop, a few minor things but nothing big! Anyway my point is that, it just takes time and communication.
Your man needs to open up, so sit him down and be very serious and assertive with him. Once you have talked you should feel better, explain that you feel neglected! Keep me updated! Xx
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