A
female
age
30-35,
*abyyblonde
writes:So this summer my boyfriend of over a year has recently started trying drugs and partying, etc. He's a year older than me, so he's off at college and doing more stuff. This really really bugs me, as an understatement. I can't even describe how much i loathe the idea of him doing drugs. I guess it might just be the way I was raised, but it's just completely against my morals, harmless or not, and the fact that he does marijuana seems to reflect on his character to me. The thing is, he never used to do drugs. When I first met him he had never tried anything, like me, so I thought we were on the same page. But then he and his friends (who also had never done anything before) all decided to start trying it out this summer, and now they all do it regularly (some are even trying bigger things, like ex, acid, shrooms, etc). My boyfriend doesn't smoke as much as his friends, and he doesn't do anything but marijuana, but it really doesn't matter to me. It seems just as bad.I've tried being open about it. I've listened to his stories and tried to act like i don't care as long as he doesn't do anything stupid. I even tried to do it once myself (bad idea) so i could relate to him. However, this isn't working for me. I can't pretend i'm OK with something that I'm not. He knows how much it bothers me, because we've gotten in several big fights over it. He has even lied about it before, which is even worse. And he keeps trying to convince me that it's good and harmless and fun and that I should lighten up and do it with him. And that ticks me off more because it's like he's trying to blame the whole problem on ME, when I'm not the one doing drugsSo what should I do? I HATE knowing that he does any kind of drugs, but i have no right to control his life. Do I have a reason to be angry with him? Am I just supposed to accept it? I really do love him with all my heart, and I know he feels the same, but I feel like it just goes against all my morals, and he doesn't seem to understand that.I don't want to end our relationship over this but it really is tearing me apart
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female
reader, chels24 +, writes (7 January 2012):
I know how you feel ... becuz i feel the same way!! and i really dont know what to do either...
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 I guess I should add that I live in Amsterdam, The Netherlands, where attitudes towards marijuana are quite different from more conservative countries.
I should also add that despite marijuana being available for sale openly in shops in The Netherlands, the consumption per person here is less than half of that in the United States!
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A
female
reader, theaterlover +, writes (6 September 2010):
i was in a situation similar to this, except it wasn't my boyfriend, it was my best friend. i understand completely how it could bother you. tell him, if he really cares about you, that he'll stop. and threaten to break up with him. because if he continues to smoke, it would be like he picked marijuana over you.
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A
female
reader, Tess12  +, writes (6 September 2010):
You are not the one with the problem here, don't think that for a minute. Doing drugs like dope might seem innocent enough but I had a friend that tried it at 30 and went on to give her way big mental issues. Do NOT feel that you are in any way to blame. Tell him it bothers you, tell him it is not for you and do not compromise yourself for him. If he cares about you enough to respect your opinions and smoking dope doesn't mean that much to him, he'll stop.
Whatever you do, don't just smoke it to try to get his point of view. It's not safe behaviour.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (6 September 2010):
"I've listened to his stories and tried to act like i don't care as long as he doesn't do anything stupid"
Why have you tried to act like you don't care? You'll have given him really mixed messages. For a relationship to work you have to be honest with your partner about what you like and don't like, and what you'll accept and not accept.
You have two choices that I can see:
- Accept he does it and get over it. Don't be angry with him, just stop judging him for it.
- Break up with him.
This problem is your problem by the way, so although blaming you isn't fair, don't make this out to be his problem... that he's taking 'drugs'. He's smoking some pot, and is fine with it... so no problem as far as he is concerned. You're the only one with the problem here. And you consequently are the one that needs to make the decision.
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