A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I lost my best friend a few years ago and I am not coping very well with the grieving aspect. We met as teenagers, we were so close and we would drive out until the early hours and just lay looking at the stars in his car just chatting about funny deep things. We never really had a sexual relationship , I did ask him if he wanted to date me but he decided to just keep it friendship and we thought very highly of each other and loved each other as friends. We did stay friends and it was the best! He helped me out whenever I was sad and I did the same for him, we always were there for each other and had so many laughs together, so many conversations. He was quite poorly through his life with stomach issues and his body was covered in scars from operations. He always told me he thought he would die young but I never believed him. 11 years passed still as close as ever , I moved away, found a partner and we had a child . Me and my friend still talks but not as much as my new baby was draining every ounce of my energy. He admitted to me that he wished that he had given me a chance as a teenager instead of being hung up on his ex, that we could be together and he could be happy. He talked about how much he wish he could have children (he was absolutely smitten with his young niece who adored him) and he said he wish he could have had that with me. I was flattered at the time but again I was I a relationship so I just acknowledged it and moved on to another subject and he was fine. A few years ago his other friend killed himself, out of the blue. He took it very hard and blamed himself. He was never the same. He lost so much weight, he wasn’t the man I first knew. Then his mother died. It completely broke him. I tried my hardest to comfort himAnd he there for him, I even moved back to my hometown . But I was too late and I found out he had died a few weeks before my big move :( I am not sure how he died, I have been terrified to ask anyone I guess I don’t want to know. the funeral turnaround was so quick that I didn’t even get there to say goodbye. I have never been the same person since. I feel like part of me has died with him. I feel like I am never going to find another friend like him. He was the kindest soul, everyone loved him. He would never hurt a fly. I keep associating things in my head, when a certain song we used to listen to comes on, of a feather lands by my feet that he is somehow here with me. I can’t let him go. I keep wondering if I had left my partner and been with him instead after he admitted he loved me, would he still be here ? Could I have changed It? Could we have been together and been happy . I’m playing scenarios out in my head constantly.Everyday I think of him, I cry for him. I feel like people are sick of hearing about him. I feel like maybe he was my soul mate and now he’s gone I’ve lost that only chance. I love my partner but the love for my friend was a whole other level, everything was just so chilled and relaxed between us. Can anyone help me please. I just keep thinking about how I might meet him when I pass away, that I might see him again even for just a second. This cannot be healthy anymore for me :-( Can anyone help me with how I come overcome this process
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2021): Know that this person wouldn't want you trapped in grief.His life has now moved into the after life, a place where people reconnect with those who went before.In his case he will have close relatives nearby.It makes sense to develop some peace around his memory.So light a candle occasionally for him.It doesn't have to be at a grave or late at night.Just offer up some of your kindest thoughts that you were lucky to spend a little time together here on earth.And you will reconnect in the after life, but not before time, as you have a duty to live your life as best you can.Then blow the candle out and feel a little closer in spirit.And thank him for having been a part of your earlier life.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 August 2021):
 I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to come to terms with your friend's untimely death. He was a major part of your life for so long and, suddenly, he is no longer there. That must be very difficult and my heart goes out to you.
Reading between the lines, I suspect you fear he actually took his own life but you are too frightened to find out if this was the case. I wonder if fearing this to be the truth can be any worse than finding out the truth? If you never find out the truth, you will always wonder.
Whatever the cause of your friend's death, you need to understand it was not your fault. Guilt is a natural part of grieving but, eventually, we have to understand that we can only do our best and, ultimately, we cannot control what others do. You were there for your friend as much as you could be but you also had to prioritize your husband and your child. They were - and indeed should continue to be - your main focus.
The best description of grief I have heard is that it comes over us in waves. At first the waves are so high, we fear we will not survive. Gradually the waves become more spaced out and less intense. When they come, they can still be debilitating but, as time goes on, we know we will survive them. You still sound to be stuck at the initial stage of grieving, which must be horrendously debilitating for you. I can only imagine how you must feel.
You are not only mourning the loss of a friend, you are also mourning the loss of what could have been between you if things had turned out differently. Your friend had his chance. You even asked him outright about having a relationship with you. For his own reasons, he decided not to go there. In my opinion, telling you, years down the line, that he regretted the decision and wished he had made a go of things with you, was rather selfish of him.
Personally I don't think you will be able to move on until you find out the actual cause of his death. You may feel differently and you are obviously free to make your own decision on this matter. If it turns out he did take his own life, that was ultimately HIS decision. It was not your fault. Once you start to accept that, despite your best efforts, you could not save your friend, hopefully you can start to move through your grief.
Sending you strength to move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 August 2021):
 I would seek help from a grief counselor. This isn't healthy but I think it's NORMAL to feel grief for someone you love and knew for so long.
If you can't afford a counselor, I'd suggest you go on Spotify and find some podcasts about HOW to deal with grief there are a BUNCH of them.
There is no instant fix OP
I'm sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (8 August 2021):
 Im sorry for your loss. Grief affects everyone differently. You are holding on to something that needs closure. Is the life you have now not complete and you are finding solace by clinging on to your old memories for comfort. I would suggest that you remember all the good things that you had with yor lost friend, accept that the life you had together has gone and you cannot live in the past. You can only move on if you let it go and look at what you have in reality. Concentrate on your family, if its not good then try to fix it. By holding on to the past you are denying yourself a future. As we get older we lose more people in our lives so we must not pause our own life. You have a right to live in the here and now and make it good for yourself. If your friend was looking down on you he would want you to live your life to the fullest, wouldnt he? How lucky you have been to have experienced someone in your life who was there for you. Hope this helps.
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