A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can I ever be happy? I have tried to find happiness in many things but I can’t seem to be content and I’m not sure why I am this way? I grew up in an Eastern European home so my parents always were neglectful on my feelings and just neurotic and verbally abusive;all they cared about was my appearance and making sure I checked off the boxes ( school- kids- jobs-husband)I dated and had two relationships and found that I was in them because of desperation to fill my “time” for someone to accept meI started goin out after I was newly single for 4-5 nights a week spending 800 a month on dining out and that made me anxious and I got caught up in gossip and terrible friendships I have been single for almost two years and mostly keep to myself but I find myself very unhappy still . I am scared of my feelings sometimes because it seems like i can’t seem to break this loneliness/unhappy spell. I try to go out with anyone just to not be around myself but it always backfires with “bad” people I don’t want to take this attitude and unhappiness in my next birthday - does anyone have any tips?I’m neurotic like my mother whom I no longer have a relationship:with - I had to cut her off for a while due to the pressures of being married and generating children .. I often find myself worrying about everything and not being able to escape my life I have chosen not to date until I resolve these issues but it always feels like I can’t escape this struggle of being content Any tips ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, issomeonelistening  +, writes (13 July 2019):
Hi,
I know exactly how you feel, I am currently going through Depression and loneliness....And it's soooooo hard! I don't have any tips, but try and distract yourself! I love dancing, so I dance even when I am alone in my room. What do you like to do? Whatever it is, just try to do it. It hurts less when you are not focused on that feeling. Furthermore would you like to just chat with someone about it ? I think we could maybe help each other as we are currently going through the same emotions. Feel free to contact me whenever you like.
I hope you feel better soon!
Regards
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2019): You're now an adult in your 30's; so your parents and your childhood are behind you. There comes a point in a lifetime when we have to look forward, and stop looking back. The past does not dictate our future. Recall of the past, serves as a reminder through experience. They are kept merely for reference. Meant to hone and develop your survival-skills.
Those old experiences should have prepared us for life. Thereby educating us, or warning us of what is right and what is wrong. When we examine or analyze the consequences and relative outcome of our mistakes, or those of our parents; the takeaway should be not to repeat them. We should learn not to perpetuate anything we noted to be poor-parenting. You got a preview of what poor-parenting looks like; but they did give you life, and kept you alive. Sometimes they did the best they could based on the cards life dealt them. You have the opportunity to turn it all around, and do better.
Too often we dwell on pain, live with shame, and drag around baggage like a ball and chain. People of faith turn to worship, prayer, and belief in a Higher Being we call God, to get us through hard-times, trauma, and insecurity. Sometimes the spirit is begging for attention; and we tend to only care about all our other needs, desires, or simply satisfying the five senses. Emptiness comes from the lack of hope, that comes from having no faith or belief there is something better; and more to life than what we can taste, touch, smell, see, or hear. Humans have more than one type of appetite.
Seek spiritual-enlightenment. Visit a church, and just sit and listen. Maybe there is something deep within you asking for fulfillment. This is an option to be considered. You can carry-on with all your other pursuits of self-improvement as well. Make it a well-rounded project. You are a complex being. You are comprised of many facets, and made up of many different dimensions as a human-soul. We are "fearlessly and wonderfully made!"
Finding love and a husband may not always come as a single-package. You may find one, or the other. You may find a man who loves you, and doesn't want to marry you. You may find a man who wants to marry you, but doesn't love you. The objective is to find both in the same individual; so, you keep searching until you find him. He's also looking for you!
Dating is a process of selection, introduction, and match-making. It should be fun and entertaining. You mix and mingle, get to know people, and learn about the various male personality-types. Setting your own criteria and standards as to what you feel suits your personality best. Seeking those values and character-traits that compliment and uplifts your own. Don't just go on a manhunt expecting to find love and a husband in one swoop. Have patience! One thing about men, we don't mind patiently weeding through a variety of types. We don't expect to find treasure on our first attempt. We'll enjoy the hunt and the journey as we go! We don't like to be pressured or cornered!
If you let your biological-clock dictate urgency through your selection, you'll likely get children; but you won't necessarily get the mate who will stick by you through thick and thin. Simply because he loves you and his family more than life itself! That is possible, and patient smart-women successfully find them. They'll kiss a few frogs, and kick some to the curb. They know what they want, and they intend to find him. The woman who has it all...family, a good husband, and hope to build on; she didn't settle or lose faith. She persevered, and knows what she's worth! She didn't let her mistakes defeat her; she used them to strengthen and grow her as a person. God led her to success, based on her faith; and belief she could do anything!
We often let impatience get the better of us, if we find somebody we really like. We get pushy and desperate when they don't quickly fall in-love with us. We will resort to pressure, seduction, and manipulation to get what we want. They may give-in; but when you're forced to surrender, that isn't love. You'll stick around as long as you can tolerate that romantic-connection for whatever benefits it offers; and pull-out once you've had enough. Nobody wins!
We all just want the experience of being in-love; meanwhile, we're heavily influenced by unrealistic fair-tale romantic-notions. Sometimes we don't care if it's real or not. We delude ourselves. I know what I'm talking about; because I'm human, and I've been there and done that! Like everybody else, I had to learn. Sometimes the hard-way! I had to deal with the consequences of my actions or decisions; and face the realities that life presented to me. I try to pass-on what I've learned to the next generation; or to anyone caring to listen. Doesn't worry me if my posts are dismissed, rebuffed, or ignored. If only one person will benefit. There is no shortcut, sometimes you have to take the long road!
Many women don't even really love their boyfriends or husbands. They are emotionally-dependent, sexually-addicted, or financially at his mercy. They tell themselves they love him until they think they believe it. Their greatest fear is being alone. That is a universal human dread. We hate loneliness! Even hermits need contact with another human being, or they'll go mad! Animals can't substitute, but people will still try! Some desperate females want a boyfriend or husband; because everyone else they know has one. "Skip the formalities or the details, gimme the label...just make me your girlfriend, or make me your wife! I wanna buy a wedding gown!" What's love got to do with it? Divorce is rampant for a reason!
Hence, they will indiscriminately attach themselves to men who don't give a flying crap about them. They cling to them, and put-up with their terrible behavior; thinking their only option is loneliness. They try to change him. They nag and throw tantrums. Seriously?!! Why wouldn't men take advantage of this weakness and insecurity? It gets them sex on-demand, a live-in maid, an around-the-clock housekeeper, a cook, a human-incubator, and an extra income! The absence of feeling becomes evident; then they get kicked-out, and go find themselves a more secure and self-confident female to make his wife. Only problem is, he's still the jerk he was; and that relationship is short-lived! He's out on his bum yet again!
Some dudes never learn. They had no father or positive male role-model. Just a single-mother, an absentee-dad, or a sperm-donor; and he learned how to be a man through loser-friends, gangs, or from popular entertainers. He may have had a dad, but all he learned was how not to treat a good-woman.
Seek all around fulfillment. Spirit, mind, and body. Be selective!
Don't fault yourself, if you want to be choosy and picky. You have a right to do that when selecting a partner for life; and hopefully, while discerning someone you know loves you back. You're going through the period where you should be enjoying independence, growing, and learning your potential. Then the right man comes along, and you're ready for business!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (11 July 2019):
 Hi OP,
See your statement here..." I have tried to find happiness in many things but I can’t seem to be content and I’m not sure why I am this way?"
Believe it or not...There is not a person on this planet that can make you happy, if you are not happy with yourself.
No amount of dating, going out, money, or anything outside of you' can make you happy if you don't have it inside already.
When you date or meet people...They add to the happiness you already have, and make you more happy. If you have none, you will depend on others for theirs. Such people are called Needy, clingy, possessive, or controlling. They need someone to make them happy, or cling to those who do, or want to possess and own other people's happiness, and or control someone else to make themselves happy.
HAPPINESS...I am happy each day I wake up. Because there is no guarantee you will. I am happy and thankful when I make it to work safely. On the highway, there are a thousand ways to die. I am happy and thankful that I have a job where I can buy food, clothes, and so on... LEGALLY...I do not have to rob or sell myself to get what I need. I am happy and thankful that at the present time, I have no major health issues. I can eat food on my own, and not through a straw. I can walk on my own, eyes to see the beauty in the world, hear things, and taste. I have all my limbs...and the list goes on.
Notice...I did not even mention friends and love ones to make me happy. There is soooo much on my own that I am happy, thankful, and greatful for and to have.
Some people only realize all this when it is taken away from them. When they are dying, or laid up in bed forever.
Happiness comes from realizing all you already have...Not what is out there in the world...what other people have...or if you are dating or not. No man or woman can guarantee you wake up each day, or make it safely from point A to B. Also realize this... Everything I mentioned as reasons to be happy...You have no control over it. You do not decide if you wake up, or if you get where you are going safely, and if you get major health issues or not, or if you end up in a wheelchair or not.
So just be happy all is well, and share that happiness with others...and...Smile :))
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