A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I cannot stop being so terribly sad. My husband was in love with his best friend (female) for a ways into our relationship. When I found out, we were already engaged, and had been together for a couple years. I was crushed, but so in love with him that I just couldn't leave.He never sees her or talks to her, but his family and friends always seem to bring her up fondly (like the would a former girlfriend that they all liked), which opens the wound again. He says his feelings for her have faded, but I worry that this is just because he hasn't seen her for a long time now. I want to move on and be happy with my marriage, but this heart ache won't go away. I feel like I am not the one for him, even though he is the one for me. Has anyone experienced this before? Is this emotional infidelity?
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best friend, crush, engaged, infidelity, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2013):
 He married you. Feelings fade. I’m on my fourth husband. I can’t even recall my life with the past husbands. What’s in the here and now is my reality not my past.
He has no contact with her so he’s clearly moved on…. You need to move on too.
I suggest you get some private counseling to work out these feelings of inferiority and insecurity.
If you are asking if your husband emotionally cheated on you before your marriage… the answer is a definite.. MAYBE… we don’t’ know based on what you are saying the extent of their friendship. If you ask if this currently is emotional cheating.. no it’s not. NOW it’s your RJ issue. Search for Retroactive Jealousy and the user YOS (who has great info on it) and figure out how to fix this problem before you destroy what is probably a very good marriage with a good foundation that is being battered by your own negative thoughts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all :) I'm actually considering going to counselling over this. My whole life has been controlled by my insecurities. I recently relapsed, and then (sort of) recovered from an eating disorder, so I'm not exactly good at seeing myself in a positive light! It's no excuse for me to keep moping about, but it does make it harder to cheer up and feel good about myself.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Don't let your insecurities get in the way of your happiness!!! I have fallen in and out of love tons of times... I was so in love with my ex... didn't work out and now I love my present! You are feeling insecure and jealous over a PAST relationship!! That indicates a weakness within yourself... Find this and deal with it! You have no reason to live in the shadow of someone that has moved on...she is probably happy in her new life and spares very little thought for you and your husband... why do you make her the centre of your feelings???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): If you continue to bring up this issue, you will be destroying your own marriage.
Let it go, he married you and enjoy his love and attention.
By your own actions, you are creating doubt in your husband.
Also with regard to his family, next time they bring her up, just be positive and make light of it and say "well my husband would have lost out and not realised what a great wife I am". Or you could say, fate plays a hand and gives us whats best for one another.
Dont get defensive nor allow them to get under your skin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): If you're not the one for him, then he isn't the one for you. It has to go both ways. It was wrong of him to start and continue a relationship with you when he was still in love with someone else even if she wasn't available. That's selfish of him - it means that he cannot be alone and was using you to fill a void left by her. If during that time she had become available to him he could have left you to go back to her. That's a horrible thing to do to someone, to put them in this situation where you might leave them at any time if some other external circumstance changes.Maybe he has changed his mind and heart now and he is finally over her and is similarly invested in being with you. However, if you get this nagging feeling that her memory is still very much alive in him and his family, I would suggest that you should not marry him. It will be painful to end a relationship you've put a lot of yourself and your time into, but it would be far more painful to continue investing more of yourself into him only to eventually find that you're just his second choice since he couldn't get the person he truly wants. and then there will always be this big "what if" looming over your married life - what if her circumstances were to change in the future and she were to become available?? Yes he may stay married to you out of a sense of duty and from legal binding ties of marriage, but you've already been shown proof that he is capable of carrying on a relationship with you while in love with her. You don't want to be doing this again so if he isn't completely over her I think you should leave him as the future will be too shaky with him. You're still really young that walking away from him isn't going to derail your love life.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 When a relationship ends, a sensible person will move on and feelings do fade even when he sees his ex again. His family is being mean to you by bringing her up, especially when you are already engaged. This is in the past. You have no ownership of what he did before you met him. It is only emotional infidelity if he contacts her again and flirt unecessarily. It's his family who has not moved on from their sons' previous relationship. Be upset with them, not your husband. Express your feelings to your husband about this. Do not bottle it up. If your in laws do not treat you like a daughter do not visit them again.
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