A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of about 9 months now just recently revealed her "number" to me not too long ago. She is 22, and has only been having sex for two and a half years. When she first told me, it was 9, and that I was her 10th. Then it got got brought up again a few weeks later... For some reason I felt the need to ask her if this was in fact her real number. She hesitated, and acted as if she was lieing. She told me it was actually 15. I knew she had a somewhat promiscuous past, but 15 sex partners in 2 years was just overwhelming. Only 3 were based on relationships, and the others were just flings. I don't know why she felt the need to lie to me; maybe she regrets it. But, it also raises a red flag as to whether or not she's even telling the truth about 15. Since, we've been having problems (really I am the one with the problem), but in return has been affecting us as a relationship. It seems like my every other thought is consumed by this (her number), but I can't seem to phase it out of my brain, no matter how hard I try. My problem is the amount in such a short period of time. I don't know what to do, my heart keeps playing tug-o-war with my emotions, and I don't know if ill ever move past it. Can this be forgiven? How does someone go about handling such information without judging someone for their past?
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female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Considering her number is the only issue you have, she sounds like a catch. Maybe you two should try to move out of her hometown, somewhere with out her previous partners walking around. Good luck!
A
male
reader, overlyemotional +, writes (14 June 2012):
I may have given you advice, based on my own experience, without clearly thinking of the differences. The difference being that my girlfriend's sexual escapades were over 22 years ago! Although I know she is still a very sexy woman and men still find her very attractive, I am "fairly" certain that she is not that person and does not indulge in that behavior anymore.
Your girlfriend, however, is only 22. Her sexual escapades are RECENT! What you need to be aware of is whether or not she has put this type of behavior behind her. In other words, you need to be very keen on how she behaves now. You need to listen to, not just what she says, but what she feels and how she acts. If she is not over this type of behavior, then you need to step back.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 I don't think this is your only problem with her. She had casual sex because of her values and morals. Without doubt she's going to have other more liberal sides of her, that also are a result of her values and morals, that are going to go against yours. You've only been with her for 9 months, and this is around the time where you are getting to know her at a deeper level. This is just the beginning of things you will discover about her.
If you have a different set of morals and values, or life perception, then your view is going to crash with her on many more areas than just sex. Maybe you haven't discovered other areas where you crash, but there ought to be more. Her liberal ways aren't only connected to sex, she's probably more liberal (or loser around the edges) about other things than you as well. She might come to view you as up-tight for example, whereas you'll come to see her as more of a hippy. That's not a good match unless that's the exact reason you are attracted to each other.. Opposites tend to not attract. Opposites tend to crash and then resent each other.
"It's like a feeling of people staring at me and saying, "I feel sorry for that guy" kind of thing"
Well, that's just you. You feel sorry for yourself, you know. That's why you think other people think that way about you. Humans aren't mind readers, you're not reading what other people think about you. So if you think others are feeling sorry for you.. you're really just projecting your own thoughts on to them. You feel ashamed of yourself, and of the situation. You feel sorry for yourself. That's where this thought is coming from.
Take myself for example. I've been with all sorts of men, virgins or players. I never thought that other people looked down on me, or felt sorry for me, because as long as you don't feel sorry for yourself but are proud and happy.. well then everyone sees that. It's only when you are faking it to yourself that you start to think everyone can see you are faking happiness, and you think that everyone can see how truly miserable you actually are.
And you need to remember that it is only those who are miserable and unsuccessful in their own lives that have a need or desire to look down on others. If someone did indeed pity you, that says a lot more about THEM and their own pitiful life, than it says about you. Weak people who aren't happy with themselves resort to dragging down others. That's how it works. That's the only reason they do it. They don't do it because they are at a moral high ground and has any objective view and right to judge.
Since you recently learned about it.. Which was just really unnecessary information btw, I suggest you give this time before you make up your mind about whether you can handle it or not. Don't say anything about it to her, just go on as usual and see how you feel after a few more weeks. You might learn something new about yourself, maybe you'll discover that it isn't as bad as you first thought? There are many ways to live with things, we each do it our own way. Maybe you'll find a way, a life philosophy, that works for you.
I do I think you should ask yourself one question though, before you make your decision. Years from now, will you have regrets? I always think you should not live life with regrets. You live your life for you, not for her or anyone else. Even if other people tell you you should stay (or leave), ultimately you are the one who needs to make sure you are happy in life. So you got to do what you got to do.
I also want to add in, finally, that I don't have a problem with a person having had several sex partners in the past. This to me isn't about that. My advice on this goes for all things that you come to learn about a persons past, which you find difficult to accept. A while ago a woman was writing in that she learned her boyfriend had previously dated a 17 year old, when he himself was much older. And that this relationship has started when she was 14 or something, and that it had been a sexual relationship before she was legally allowed to consent to it. While it was in the past, it made her question his morals. She herself had a teen daughter. So my point is.. no matter what it is about a persons past, if it doesn't feel right for you, and you can't accept it.. then end the relationship. Don't force yourself to accept something about someone that you can't, that makes you uneasy and that actually just sours the relationship. People break up all the time over things they learn about another person, be they new or old things. So don't be too hard on yourself for finding this difficult. Not everyone struggle with the same issue as you, but we have all been in a situation where we learned something about someone that we find hard to accept.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Im with u man! My girlfriend ( now wife) had sex with 51 people from 16-22. Vast majority one night stands, one gang bang, once two guys in a night, once three guys in a week. This made me sick, still does if I allow myself to think about it. Yes, you can judge other people for their actions - we do it all the time, and so we should. Ones actions says more about their character than anything else. However, I found that I just likes being with her so much in the present that I wanted to look past her disgusting past. Truth is it still bothers me if I allow it to. I just try to keep in my mind that I am not perfect either, she probably wishes some things about me were different, so I decided trying to accept her disgusting past was something I wanted to do - and I am glad I did!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is something that I have recently found out. And, you're right, chigirl, this is a matter of acceptance, rather then forgiveness. It just seems like my whole thought process of her changed after hearing it. I know she's a good person, and I use that when weighing in the good with the bad. I mean, really, this is my one true problem with her. It really is. This one problem also multiplies, as I do live in her hometown. I feel like every guy we run into that she says 'Hi' to is possibly a guy she has slept with. It's bad enough that I work with a guy she has been with, because everytime I see him, there goes my brain, doing cartwheels. I just feel angry, which I shouldn't. Probably more disappointed than anything. It's like a feeling of people staring at me and saying, "I feel sorry for that guy" kind of thing. I want to truely not have these feelings towards her, but in all honesty, I don't think I can. It's tough. It hurts to say and know that, but I feel like it's only getting worse by the day. I try to cover it up, but I don't know how much longer I can... Thanks for the feedback! And, maybe I can get through this with time. That's all I can hope for.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (12 June 2012):
What she had with other men isn't what she'll have with you. Just make sure the boundaries are clearly established in your relationship and personal values are talked about. Whats important is how she treats you and that the relationship you both have is healthy.The more open you are with communication in a caring manner, the more she'll be willing to open up about the skeletons in her closet. If you can't shake the number of partners she's had, then maybe trying to understand why will help. Was is purely consensual sex and that's it or was it because she's insecure, peer pressure...etc. Once you know the underlying issues then you can make the decisions you need to. Bottom line, everyone has weaknesses. We're all works in progress. Communication is really the only thing that will protect your relationship from her weaknesses and vise versa.Take care, I hope all works out for you both.
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A
male
reader, overlyemotional +, writes (12 June 2012):
I completely understand what you're going through. And you're right, this is your problem. Unfortunately I can't give you an answer or advice because I'm going through the same thing right now because, like you, my girlfriend "confessed" to me her "number" several months ago. I don't know why she told me but the thought continues to consume me. Its the first thing I think of when a wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. Although I can't give you advice, perhaps I can make you feel a little better by telling you what I'm going through. My girlfriend is 51, I'm 49. Don't get me wrong. At 51, she is very gorgeous and sexy and very fun to be with. I do love her. However, she told me that from about 18 until she was almost 30 (basically 1979 to 1990) she had sex with almost 100 men!! Now, if you smooth that out as much as you can to make if not appear so bad, that's roughly 8 to 9 men each year! But that's not the way it happened. She was married for one of those years and had several relationships during the decade. So in between she would actively go out in search of men to take home and fuck, many times a different guy each weekend. She even had a term for it..."sport fucking". Although she says that her past was "painful", she speaks of those days with pride. She also will not hesitate to bring up the topic during casual conversations especially when we talk about our past lives and what it was like growing up. I still don't exactly know what she means by "painful". I'm very cautious about asking too many questions. Knowing the details doesn't help and she gladly tells me when I ask.She grew up in a different state than me so at least I hardly have a chance of running into any of those men. But that still doesn't stop the thoughts.This past weekend I went with her to visit and meet her parents for the first time in the state where she grew up. While there, of course, we were looking at old photo albums. Everytime I saw a picture of her with a date on it, all I could think of was "how many men had she had at that point" and "who would be next". I'm not upset with her! I actually told her I would have done the same thing. You know the "if I were a women" thing that men always say. But, even though I've always said that if I were a women I'd have been a total slut, I never thought or wanted to meet that women or be involved with her. But, here I am. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm afraid it will eventually ruin my relationship with her. And, if I let that happen, it will be one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Because I don't want to be without her. She makes me very happy. If there is any advice I can give you its this. If this girl means anything to you and you don't want to be without her, then think about this. There's noting you or I can do about the past. What you must focus on is the present and the future. Don't let the past (and your emotions about the past) ruin your future with her even if you have to keep these feelings to yourself. Hopefully, for you and me, the feelings will eventually fade. There's a great line in the movie "Along Came Polly" with Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller, where an elderly man gives Ben Stiller's character advice by saying "life is not about the past. Its not about the future. Its about whether you are enjoying the ride". I'm enjoying the ride right now. I hope you are.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): I agree with "Chigirl" about almost everything.
Except the part about if this was the only thing wrong with the relationship then it wouldn't bother you. Its entirely possible that everything is right about her except her past, and her past would bother you so much that you cannot be with her. Real life is not always full of happy endings and the past does matter. You have to respect your partner as well as just loving her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
Oh, and.. did you recently learn her "number"? If so then your reaction to this might just need some time. You might figure out ways to live with it if you just give yourself some time.
And for the future.. just don't go there. Don't ask a girls number, and if she wants to tell you just say "no thanks, I don't want to hear it".
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
Well... Things aren't straight forward in most of life's situations. On the one hand.. there's nothing to "forgive", and I was following your story up until that point, but that's just provocative and uncalled for. So I hope you can see why "forgiving" is the wrong word to use for this situation. Forgiving is something you do when someone did something wrong (to you). As having had 15 (or more) sex partners at the age of 22 isn't a crime, nor was it something she did towards you, there is nothing that has been done that needs your forgiveness.
Acceptance on the other hand, is the word I think you're looking for. How do you accept such a number, or act, or behaviour.
And the answer is.. well either you do or you don't. There's no right and wrong in this, if you think that's unacceptable and you have an issue with it then you need to end the relationship. If you're totally fine with it then you carry on the relationship.
There's always going to be things you learn about a person while in a relationship with them. And you're certainly not the only one who ever found out something about their partner that shocked them, or didn't sit right with them. It's why people break up after all: they discover something they didn't like and can't live with in their partner.
So, you just got to ask yourself: is this a deal breaker to you or not? Is she still worth it, in your eyes? Or could you both be better off with someone else?
I differentiate between a person and an action. I can be against an action, but still love and care for the person. I've been in relationships where I love the man I am with and want to be with him, but I am against something he's doing or has done. It is easier when it is something in the past, because they're not doing it right now. Lets take a random example: it is easier for me to accept someone who used drugs in the past. It would be more difficult to accept an on-going usage. But still, even if you say I am against drugs, I can still love the person who uses drugs. Even while I am against drugs itself, I am not against the person. See the difference?
If there are things like this in your relationship it puts a strain on the relationship, and is something you must accept within yourself. Especially something of the past, as that can't ever be changed, while an on-going situation is more pressing and an even bigger strain on the relationship. But, it can be lived with. But that's just the thing.. it wont go away, and you need to find a place in your head where you can live with it. Either that, or you need to leave the relationship. Plenty of people leave relationships when they discover something they are opposed to, or can't live with. It's not like you'd be the only one to do so.
Just know that what she did wasn't wrong. It wasn't illegal. And you do not have a right to judge her for it, because she, like everyone else, needs to live her life according to her own ideals and values. It is easy to judge, but you are a better person if you don't.
If you want to end things with her I suggest you don't be direct about this specific reason. There are probably other reasons for not being with her as well. If this was the ONLY problem, and she was otherwise perfect for you, then it'd not bother you. Really, it wouldn't. This bothering you is a clear sign that there are other less perfect things about your relationship with her, things that are getting in your way. If there is too much going against you.. it is better to walk away rather than cause a lot of damage and hurt by fighting until the end. It is better to end things on good terms.
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