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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I am a 34 year old guy who has a very loving young woman as a partner. She is the first partner that I have ever had. The problem is that when we make love, I have serious problems ejaculating and have never been able to do this when we have proper intercourse. As I only see her weekends, I have serious trouble controlling my own urges during the week and I think that this is possibly the cause of my problems. We have talked and she says that she is able to just switch off to it and that I should be able to do the same as most guys can, but I just cant do this. I am scared that if this problem continues, our relationship will end. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 April 2006):
 Its possible that because you masturbate frequently you need a lot of pressure to get you to orgasm: more than you get through intercourse with your girlfriend. If that is the case, then laying off the masturbation for a while will help.
However there are other reasons this could be happening. You could have subconscious issues or repressed feelings that are preventing you. Or you could simply be tense because of your lack of experience. If you're not relaxed then that could be preventing your orgasm.
One possibility is to try masturbating with your partner around. Involve her in it. Over time you can work on becoming more relaxed with her while you masturbate, and then move to putting yourself inside her just before orgasm.
One other thing you should do is to make sure your girlfiend knows it is not because of her. She may well be feeling that it is in some way 'her fault', your reassurance that it is not will help her understand and improve communication between you.
You can also go see a sex therapist if the problem doesn't get any better. This problem is one that sex therapists know about and are used to dealing with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for this answer. I had to shorten this question as much as I could for fear that it might not get posted! I have to say that controlling myself during the day is the easy part, it during the evenings that this becomes intolerable, maybe I should chuck sleeping tablets down my neck, although this isn't a road I particularly want to go down! It's difficult as its my first relationship and all I've ever been used to is satisfying myself, sad as that is. It isn't just about this though, it's the fact that the sensation of sex isn't quite as stimulating as I imagined and I find myself struggling to reach that point where I come. I think that the problem will cure itself in time and being able to switch off to sexual urges in the week is just one way of helping it but my girlfriend wants me to get professional help for this, so as our love-making doesn't go on for 2 hours a time! I appreciate your answer, blunt though it is, but it does make sense to try to occupy my mind with other things. Thanks again.
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (6 April 2006):
 I think you mean you can't come when you're with your chick? And that this may be caused by masturbating during the week when you're on your tod.
If this is the case, each time you feel the urge during the week, DON'T. Do something else. Go for a walk. Call up a friend. Get out of the house.
You're going in to battle with an empty gun.
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