| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm in a troubled relationship, and I don't know what to do. Ok, so we met and a few months later we started going out. He was my first boyfriend, and I'm the first girl he's ever loved. Well, in the beginning we were PERFECT for each other, absolutely perfect. I guess we would still be if it weren't for some complications that arose.To make a long story short, we met through a mutual friend. This guy and I had been friends with benefits in the past. My boyfriend didn't know about this until he asked me six months into the relationship. When he first asked I freaked ou (because he's the jealous type), and I felt like it was a no-win situation. I immediately came clean and he felt betrayed that I'd lied to him, and that I'd kept that information from him. That I should've told him in the beginning.From that time on, he started asking me question after question about my past. I felt pushed against a wall, so I lied a couple more times, but came clean. He didn't like the truth and says it damaged the "image" he had of me.Still, things started improving and he has always let me know how much he loves me. He says that even though it was a disappointment to hear about my past, that he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and can't picture himself with anyone else.Even my family - who're all well aware of the issues we've had - say that we're perfect for each other and should make an effort to make it work. His family loves me too, they think we were made for each other. We share the same interests, values, political and spiritual views, etc. We're even fans of the same football team and bands.Now, sadly, the issues have taken a toll on me. No matter what he says, I don't believe him. In the bottom of my heart I don't believe him when he says there is no one better than me. I just feel very insecure. I lied to him and he says the image he had of me has changed - therefore, I think there ARE better women out there for him. I believe any girl would be better. That they would all make him happier. I feel unable of making him truly happy with all that he's told me.This has made me a psycho sometimes. My low self esteem has made me a jealous freak and an insecure girl. Sometimes I'll feel awfully ugly and will go on and on about it, or if he makes a comment about an attractive female I'll get all moody, until he can't take it anymore. Or I'll go on and on about how other girls would make him happier. I seem to nag him about very stupid things sometimes, too. He says he's exhausted with all this negativity that comes from me. Also that he's bored of my temper - we're both temperamental people, but it seems I'm worse. He says he's seen how I react even with my family members (and with him of course) and that I should calm down more, that he's also fed up with that attitude. He's asked me to change, but somehow I can't. I guess sometimes I believe I will never make up for what I've done to him. Like other girls will always be better. He insists that I'm the one he wants to be with, but that if I'm not willing to change, then I'm fulfilling my own prophecy. He even thinks that my not changing means I don't love him or care about our relationship. He says his sick of my negative approach to problems. He says I should lighten up. I just don't know how. I can't help but feel other girls would make him happier, which makes me moody, insecure and bitter. I've visited several therapists, to no avail.He has begged me to change, he says we can't break up over such meaningless things. He says that when I feel confident and when I'm not nagging and we're fine, he's the happiest man in the world and that no one will ever compare to me. He gets really upset when I suggest we break up so he can find someone who feels better about herself than me, and who doesn't have a temper.What should I do? I can't believe that I turned out to be such a crappy girlfriend. Sometimes I think that if I'm not perfect, then I am worthless. He insists that is not the case, but that I have to start behaving like a woman and not a girl, and then things will get better.Sorry that this is such a long post =/
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friend with benefits, insecure, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, marycontrary  +, writes (27 June 2009):
It sounds like you are sabotaging your relationship because you don't know how to be yourself and stand up for who you are. You are a woman. He is a man. You are naturally more interesting than he is and if he doesn't get it, too bad for him! He should be falling at your feet! He should be intrigued that you aren't the nice girl he thought you were and it should add some degree of respect and admiration if you aren't ashamed of yourself or anything in your past. If he has an image in his head and doesn't like it to change, well, you've nabbed yourself a loser who doesn't like change. Way to go, girl. The next guy who likes all the same things as you will happen to you and not some ideal he dreamed up. It seems like the world is full of "do's" and "don'ts", but it's really not honey. None of us want to seem stupid or to be judged but if we relied on other people's opinions we'd all feel like dirtbags. Even Rihanna has people around her making fun of her and there are plenty of people out there who think she's mean and ugly, too. But one morning you've got to wake up with some spine and know that everything you are and everything you do is alluring. Most of all, never forget that no one has the expertise to tell you what will make you happy. No one has the power to prevent you from living your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Okay, first of all NO-ONE is perfect. NO-ONE. And if someone tells you they are, they're lying schmucks. So you have to get it out of your head that other girls are "perfect", because they aren't. They too will have faults and folibles, and as much as you feel that this perfect guy deserves the perfect girl, she doesn't exist. And neither does the perfect guy, I'm sure there are things about him that bug you from time to time.Second, he is right about fulfilling your own self-prophecy. Trust me, I've been there too. I thought my first boyfriend was amazing, and when he seemed to go cold I blamed myself and got jealous and clingy and needy because I was convinced I was gunna lose him. And what did he do? Run, run, run. Because there is no bigger turn off for a guy than a clingy possessive girlfriend. I learned that the hard way.You've say you can never make up for what you've done to him?! You haven't done anything to him sweetheart, so what you've had a sexual relationship in the past, it's not illegal and if he wanted to date the virgin mary, he should have made his feelings clear at the beginning. You've already said he's the jealous type, when he found out about you and this other guy his ego was dented that's all. It's a man thing, they have this big issue called PRIDE, and as stupid as pride can be that's what it does. You didn't need to tell him anything at the beginning. What, did he reveal his sexual and relationship past to you at the start? You don't start relationships by dragging through each others history, that's not right or fair. And for him to put you up on a pedestal and then critise and judge you when you don't fit his expectations is not on. Nor is it right that he's making you feel bad about it. The only way you can move forward, I feel, is to have a big talk about the way you both feel about yourselves, about each other and about your future. And then draw a line. And from that line onwards, it's you and him and your future. The past is not bought up as emotional weaponary in any arguments or fights you have, or as emotional blackmail.I think that his questioning and pride and criticising has been the start of a downfall for you as far as your esteem goes. Now he's telling you he loves you and you're the one for him but some damage has already been done. That's not to say you can't rebuild your esteem and your relationship but it'll take some work. Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself, things you enjoy doing. Go out for dinner with him, to the cinema, for walks in the park etc. And if you see a pretty girl, so what? Keep that insecure thought from escaping out your mouth, look at him, hold his hand, see that he is with YOU not her, then take a deep breath and walk on. and ps. you are NOT a crappy girlfriend! It's very obvious you care about him, otherwise you wouldn't be here. :-)
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