A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years. I called off the relationship. Although I am well aware that this breakup has been coming for a year now, I feel I've lost my best friend. He's a great guy; we can talk about anything and everything. He never, in our 7 year relationship, ever raised his voice at me when we argued or even called me a bad name. He was always the one to call me back after an argument. He's always the one to say sorry... even though most of the time, he should!! Haha... But, we are two very different people with two different lifestyles. Two years after dating, we were excited to plan marriage and a life together. Third year, Fourth year, Fifth year.. I got to know him more and took a step back. I tried to change his lifestyle and encouraged him to be a better person and improve his career... that didn't happen. By the Sixth year, I realized that I can't change him and it would take a huge compromise on my part to spend the rest of my life with him. As much as I love him, I cannot change my whole life to be with him. As much as I love him, I can't turn a blind eye to the shady things he does.. dating him is one thing, but if we were to be married, I don't think I can accept it. He is my best friend, but I can't see spending my whole life with him as my partner. And life sucks without him. And I absolutely love his family and they love me.The first two weeks after breakup, he kept calling me. Every day, 10+ times a day, but I never answered. Third week after the breakup, he called twice. This week, he didn't call. I thought I was fine, until I had a really bad day yesterday. I really needed to talk to him.. to hear his voice. I called him, texted him. No reply. That never happened. He always answered my calls, even when he was mad and we argued. So maybe this is it... either he is extremely angry with me, or he has finally decided to cut all ties. I also thought maybe something happened to him since we are still in the midst of Covid-19. I messaged his brother asking how he is and he said he is fine... so at least he is OK.I miss him so much. I miss his family so much. But I know we can't make it as a couple. I'm just grieving.. life sucks.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (21 August 2020):
 It takes time to get over a break-up, even when it's been a while coming and we know it's "for the best". Just because it hurts like hell does not mean it wasn't the right decision.
I think, for the time being at least, you need to accept that you two cannot be "just friends". You need to cut all ties until you are both over the break-up. You may never be able to be "just friends". Regardless of how bad a day you are having, you can't just expect him to step up as a friend and support you. I am sure you realize that now. That is not fair on either of you.
Stay strong. These feelings of loss will diminish with time. Expand your circle of friends so you have people you can phone for support when you need it.
I am sorry you are hurting at the moment but you know in your heart that this is the only way you can go. Yes, you've lost a guy who was lovely in a lot of ways but totally unsuitable as a long term partner. Accept he was not "the one". Give yourself time to get over the break-up. Be kind to yourself. I would also delete his number from your phone so you are not tempted to phone him when you are feeling down and vulnerable.
Stay strong. This too will pass.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2020): It takes time to digest the fact your long-term relationship has come to an end.
You gave it all you've got; but things didn't change. You can't play games going back and forth and second-guessing yourself. You know all the reasons you had to part. The relationship hit a wall; neither party could change their ways, or meet in the middle. He's a good-friend, but not husband-material; so keep concentrating on that particular fact. Shady is not exactly a good attribute! Not even for a friend!
You made the mistake of trying to change a person to fit your expectations; that's not what a good-relationship entails. Your partner should come factory-equipped with the character and personality you're compatible with; and there should always be room for growth and adjustments, because we're not the same forever. We do change with age and experience. Some for the better, and some for the worse. It should be for the better; in order for the relationship to succeed and to last. You had to make the decision that was best.
No contact is tough, but it's necessary right-now. Stop trying to reach him. He's playing a game of tit-for-tat. That's normal, and expected when a couple is going through the agonies of detachment and separation-anxiety. Your mind feels confused; like something is missing from your normal routines. It wants normal; but things are no longer normal.
It's cliche and predictable; but I can only say it takes time. You go through the phases of letting-go, grief, loss, anger, and finally acceptance. Just leave him alone, don't prolong your agony; and don't second-guess yourself. Of course you miss him; but things didn't workout when you were together. It's better to part on amicable or civil terms; than to force things until the breakup becomes volatile or explosive. You realized over the course of a year, and you were investing too much into a relationship that wasn't evolving into what you needed to consider fit for marriage. That's your goal, but it couldn't be met. Not with him!
You gave it a go, now it's time to let-go. I know how it feels. I've been there too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2020): You have to be strong about not calling him when you've had a bad day.
Poor bloke. You ignored his phone calls and they eventually stopped. He's probably trying to process the fact that you've broken up with him and won't be contacting him anymore (which is the fair thing to do) and then when YOU need HIM, you throw his world into a tailspin AGAIN, just because you want someone to talk to.
Come on, this isn't fair. Accept that when you break up with someone, you lose ALL of them, friendship as well. I've had that happen and it's horrible. Most of us have had that happen, it's something you have to accept. You can't reject the parts of him you don't want to be involved with and keep the parts you do. That is not fair on him. If you want to stay broken up, then leave him alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2020):
 I think you knew a long while ago that he wasn't the one for you. I think you really knew about 2 years in. When you decided that marriage was no longer on the table (unless he changed) THAT is when you should have walked away.
Because you CAN NOT change another person. Change is HARD. And sometimes people DON'T want to change either. They are fine with who they are.
You stayed 5 more years than you really should have.
If you find someone and realize a year or 2 or 3 into the relationship that you don't want to MARRY them (AS they are) then don't waste any more of YOUR or THEIR time. You wouldn't buy a derelict house and expect it to "fix itself" as you move in. Same with a guy. If he has things about him you don't want in a spouse/partner, then HE isn't RIGHT for you.
He can be a great guy but NOT the right match for you long term. That is OK.
I also would suggest that you block, remove, delete and don't try and "stay friend" with him. You BOTH need to move on. Staying friends won't help that.
It's OK to miss him, it's OK to grieve. It's "normal". Even if you know he ISN'T the right guy for you. You still care, he probably still care. Care, however, isn't enough to make this work. You know this. He does too.
You know he is OK, so time to work on letting him go. And his family. No more checking up on him, not through friends or family or social media.
Whether he is angry or over you, it irrelevant. It's over. It's time to move forward and move on.
Chin up. You are not going to be over a relationship that lasted 7 years in a week. It will take a little time and that is good. Gives you to time to introspect.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (20 August 2020):
 It sounded like you were describing the perfect guy, up to the point when you said the shady things he does.
You can never change someone, and its pointless to even try. When you do try to change someone you are getting them to change to something that you like, not what they like, so eventually resentment sets in, then the relationship breaks down. You have got to let people be, let them follow their own path, if you want to change anything change something in yourself.
I think in the beginning of your break up he was finding it extremely difficult which is why he called 10 times in a day, but you never answered him. After this he called a couple of times so by the looks of it he has come to terms with the break up, got his life back together and moved on, so maybe you should too.
You messaged his brother, he said he was ok, so at least you have piece of mind there that he is alright.
You said yourself that you can't make it as a couple. The feelings you are feeling at the moment will soon dissipate and things will get easier.
...............................
|
