A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I love each other very much and have tons of sex, and I enjoy it a lot. He has been trying REALLY hard to get me to orgasm, but I just can't ever seem to get there (haven't ever had one). We've gone to visit our families for a few weeks, so we've been talking on the phone every night and haven't been together in a few days (we're still very happily dating). I decided to buy myself a vibrator, and had my first orgasm. Now the question: Do I tell him or not? I know he'd be very happy for me, but I'm a little concerned he'd feel hurt that it didn't come from him. So should I tell him, or keep it to myself?Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Unfortunately this a "there's only one way to find out" situation. Nearly every girl I ever went out with had a vibrator, and a couple of them were frank enough to tell me that using them was far more intense, and that they got to orgasm faster and more frequently than with me. It really never bothered me, and the thought of them having an orgasm with a vibrator was always really sexy for me.Most men won't mind you using one, but some will be very hurt if he thinks he's not satisfying you as much as the vibrator. Best to keep that part a secret.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): satindesire, I certainly meant no offense and I'm glad to know you have found creative ways to pleasure yourself and have a partner that you can experience this with.Full range of sex is relative and for most people that don't have a problem with sensitivity, creativity is just going to be different and that's not to say one way is better than the other. Full range of sex to me is oral and intercourse without vibrators and most women I have been with want the same thing. I enjoy going down on a woman and making her climax and then penetrating her and giving her orgasms and I have found this to be very satisfying for the woman I am with as well. A man that is not open to bringing in a vibrator at the beginning is not selfish nor immature. Women that are otherwise sensitive can can actually desensitize themselves with use of a vibrator and deprive themselves of the full experience that makes sex so enjoyable. Askoldersister summed this up quite nicely. In your situation you have found what works best for you and your partner but to advise others based on your situation may not apply to them. To dump a man based on his reaction to a vibrator because he is undeserving may not ring true and it could be that he just wants to learn more about her before a vibrator takes over what he can potentially do for her.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 June 2009):
 I think the key here is whether the poster's parner knows that she is not having orgasms, or not.
If he knows, and he keeps trying because he is aware of the problem, then maybe he wouldn't be upset by knowing that the girl can have an orgasm with a vibrator. Human beings do not act exactly as we expect them to, however, and he could think that he's no use after all, because he keeps trying and just can't match what a device does.
If he doesn't know that the poster is not having any orgasms with him, then there could be a serious problem. He could, for example, complain that he would have acted differently if he had known. He could then think that he can't trust that the poster will bring up her problems if they have one. And he could simply get angry, too; there are many different ways to think about this, and I'm afraid that, through the ages, it has been assumed that having an orgasm is a mechanical thing that any man can do if he follows the three easy steps, 1-2-3.
Since nobody knows ("nobody" including the poster) we don't know how he would react, perhaps the best way to act would be to mention the vibrator and suggest that's a new toy they can try together. Like someone else said, he's bound to find the vibrator anyways, and his finding it would be much worse than her telling about it.
One very dear friend of mine in this site once posted an excellent article about this. It was called "Advice to young men about young women" or something like that. You can search for that post in this site. Maybe it would be a good idea to try that first, and then incorporate the vibrator as a toy or something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Speaking of women you cant please....I'm going to tack onto the last post here...I'm a man in his mid forties and I've been with enough women by my age to be secure not only with myself but with them so I'm not offended by toys. I do want to mention that my most gratifying sexual relationships & experiences have not included toys but I also recognize some women need them to get off. I have noticed a difference in women that use vibrators or have relied on them and I haven't been able to have quite the full experience with these women. Many people think the addition of toys and other distractions translate to better or more knowledgable sex and I tend to think that is all hype to cover up the opposite based on my experience. It takes time to really know your partner and a lot of trial and error and putting in this time without devices will pay off for you. Say I'm dating a woman and she pulls out a vibrator in the beginning so I already know the full range of sex with her will be limited....i am not going to hold someone back from their own full pleasure and I don't mind partaking in that but it's not as rich of an experience for me or most men. No offense or judgment to all the ladies that use them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): I have also been with women that I could not please, and know how humiliating it is to feel like you just can't get it done. Many men really want to please their partner (no matter what they say) and want you to want sex as much as they do.
Its probably likely that he will be hurt by the fact that a machine got to you before he could, especially if he's really been working hard for it. On the other hand, keeping the 'new boyfriend' a secret is a bad idea because it may eventually create mistrust between the two of you, especially if he finds out on his own!
You may be better off breaking him the news slowly. Tell him that you really want HIM to use it on YOU during intercourse or before. Him being able to bring you to orgasm will help empower him over the toy and give him the confidence that he needs. Plus, bonus points for being pretty kinky! I think it is important though that you are upfront about it. Tell him that 'you have an idea' and want to use a vibrator with him, but make sure you don't phrase it in a way that makes him feel like a failure!
The happy ending to my story did not require a toy, but a little experimentation, plus some additional manual stimulation during intercourse did the trick just fine. As soon as one realizes that straight intercourse isn't the only (or best) way to have a sexual experience, the real fun can start!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Absolutely! Now the two of you can experiment together!
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