A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I would love to hear from anyone who either has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or has some understanding of this complex mental illness.My sister suffers from BPD, which seemed to develop around the age of 15. We grew up a happy, functional family, until then. The past 14 years have been filled with heartache and constant stress for my parents. My sister has spent the past, nearly two decades, crying, screaming, throwing things, stealing, lying, manipulating.. you name it. My parents have done everything to help her through her "rough patch" to no avail, while she baits them into petty arguments to vent her hostility and refuses to take responsibility for all the hurt she's caused. She refuses to accept she's ill and blames everyone around her for why she's miserable.I've resigned myself to the fact that my sister hates me. I mean, absolutely hates me. When I lived with my parents, many years ago, I was the daily outlet for her aggression. I really have never said or done anything to justify her hatred of me. Believe me, I've wracked my brain and even asked her, but she couldn't even answer me. I choose my words carefully. When she tries to bait me into an argument, I say "I'm sorry, let's just let it go". I know I sound like I'm admitting it's my fault, but it's honestly the quickest way to prevent an explosion of rage. My parents also expect me to act this way, as they tell me it makes their lives easier. It's a very toxic dynamic and I lived/survived that way for years.. but now, I'm out of this situation, well, I've greatly distanced myself. I live with my partner and we're very happy.Even the sight of me visiting my parents (she lives with them) is enough to send her into a rage. I am talking too loudly or I'm talking too much about something boring. I can never say or do anything right. She looks at me with such disdain.My mum told me today that my sister is seeing a new guy. She's never had a relationship with anyone that's not a drug dealer or who beat her. If I happened to look at her the wrong way, she actually gets violent with me but with men, it seems she's a different person. She'll take whatever they dish out and keep running back to them. I don't really understand the behaviour.Anyway, my mum told me that she's seeing a guy, who happens to be a man I used to date. I was a little taken back when she told me. Before I met my partner, I had only ever dated a few men. She's now either slept with or dated ALL four of these men.Now, we don't live in a tiny town.. there's plenty of people here.. is this really just coincidence?I really don't understand why my sister feels such anger toward me and why she's made it her business to become involved with every man I've been with. These men are in my past and it just disturbs me that someone who hates me so deeply is involved with people I was once emotionally intimate with. I don't know how to explain it.. but I wish I could figure out what she's doing and why?If you could give me any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 April 2016):
 Nobody could rightfully diagnose her through the internet. However, she seems clearly troubled, and you do come off as a very level-headed woman.
Regardless of any diagnosis, what I can say, is that her behavior need not be passified. What I've learned with people like this (I actually dated a borderline for 3 years of my life and it was absolute HELL) is that you absolutely MUST set boundaries. It's imperative. My experience was quite different than yours, as mine never yelled, screamed and raged. She was, in fact, very opposite. She came across as almost mild, meek and timid on the surface to those who don't know her well. You almost thought she would be incapable of the horrific things she did to me emotionally if you didn't see it first-hand yourself. In fact, most of my friends DIDN'T see it first-hand and thought I was full of it and assumed I must have been the one at fault. All part of the cunning plan of deception.
Anyway, my point being, that regardless, the one thing I completely failed to do was set boundaries. Because any time I ever tried, she punished me for it. And she punished me hard. So I learned (and she taught me) never to speak up and stand my ground. And also never to hold her accountable for her behavior. She taught me how to allow her to walk all over me. And she did this to everyone else in her life, as well. Family, friends, etc.
Don't allow her to walk all over you. It's just simply the best and only advice I can give. If she really is borderline, she's not going to get better. So you need to learn how to handle it more appropriately. I've read numerous articles and books on borderlines, and it says to treat them more or less like a child having a tantrum. That emotionally, they are stunted and need to be taught emotional rules and boundaries. It's your job to show her how she can and can't treat you. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): Oh aunt honesty, you are so right. Believe me, I have spent many many years trying to get help for her, trying to reason with her, trying to get my parents to wake up from their denial. It's taken me many years of therapy (I've always been to therapy for HER issue) to realise I have to let go, that I'm not in a position to help her. I just try and look after myself now because none of my family really gave a hoot about how it affected me, being the constant target for her aggression. My parents were more than happy to let it happen to make their life easier. I am so angry about that but I can never let them know it. They deal with too much with my sister. She has apparently, according to my parents, resented me because she feels they're nicer to her than me. It's ridiculous and I've always seen it as a cry for attention. Once she became ill, I feel I lost a big part of my parents. They have aged 50 years in 14 with all the stress and they were always so busy trying to pick her up, throwing money at some problem to fix some drama in her life, they just expected ME to say the right thing to defuse a bad situation that I played no part in causing. My relationship with my parents is compromised because they have had to be there for her 24/7, so when she's said she resents me because I'm the favorite, it just makes no sense. She has needed double the parenting.I have never been able to consider the fact she's jealous of me. She's extremely superficial in her judgement of people. I'm not a beauty queen, my life is pretty simple and unremarkable. I don't have an amazing career. I'm not rich. All I can say is that I'm happy. I guess it's something I need to consider though. She has let me know she hates everything about me. Hates the way I dress, hates my partner, hates my pets, hates anything that has anything to do with me.. which is why this ex boyfriend thing really confuses me. Hates the sight of me but she's happy to sleep with any guy I've been intimate with?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 It sounds like your sister could be jealous of you. I am not sure if she is mentally ill, but only a doctor will be able to assess that. If she is not willing to get help then am afraid nobody can do anything.
It seems like she has had a troubled teenage life and it has developed in to hating you because she is jealous of you. This could be for many reasons, maybe she felt you where favored while she was always causing the bother, maybe she always found the wrong guy and you found the right one. When you say she is dating your ex partners it sounds like she is just wanting to be you, and she cant be and that is why she is throwing such hatred towards you.
It does sound like your sister could so with some help for her issues, but again she needs to realize that she needs help, your parents aren't helping her either if they are getting you to pussy foot around her just for a peaceful life. They need to be strict and tell her she cannot behave like this under their roof.
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