A
male
age
26-29,
*-W
writes:I am 27 and my fiance is 25. We have only been engaged for about a month (been together for 2 years) We are also getting ready to go to Pre-Marital counseling with the pastor at our church. I have no children, she has 3 children, that I love dearly. They even call me Dad. The only problem is that I believe I have retroactive jealousy. I cannot get over her past. It's seems like it it constantly on my mind! I am at the point that we are contemplating breaking off the engagement. Is there any way I can get over this? So I can spend the rest of my life with this woman in bliss and not my own personal hell in my mind. Please help.
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engaged, fiance, her past, jealous Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, MBaachman +, writes (10 June 2009):
As someone who has posted on this topic before (I still cant believe how upset I obviously was when I wrote my post), I just have one thing to say.Get used to it.Most women (certainly not all) go out and have their fun jumping from prick to prick until they've had their fill. Then, they spray that thing out, freshen it up, and find a sucker like you...and at one time me...to father thier children. "Nice guys" can often end up at the end of a very, very, very long line. We're the fools who marry the party girls. And yes, I'm very well aware that guys do the same thing.I kicked my loose girl to the curb and went on a "getting ass spree". I'm now at a number to where I can reasonably assume that I'm as experienced as most any woman I'll ever meet unless she was a hooker or something.I know this answer sounds rude and I probably come off looking like a jerk, but my ordeal really affected me. I loved that girl more than life itself just to learn that she had had more pricks than a second hand dart board! Now that I'm more experienced, I dont have retroactive jealousy. I'm so much happier. I still dont call her though. Too much baggage for me.Still, I would never marry a woman who was ever an easy lay. Thats not retro jealousy - thats a personal standard. I know that makes me a huge hypocrite, seeing that my numbers have really increased over the past few months, but I dont care.Good luck!
A
female
reader, AskEve  + ♥, writes (8 January 2009):
 Jealousy is rife in the world today especially in relationships. Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of FEAR. So you see emotions like JEALOUSY, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (8 January 2009):
Im sorry to hear that. What you need to do, is put a stop to this right now if you want to save your relationship. She needs to know that you will not continually throw this in her face. She needs to feel that when you look at her, you see her for the beautiful loving girlfriend that she is to you, not the slut whore that you see in your head.
As much as your gf's past may upset you, you have to realize that it also upsets her. Her knowing that you feel negative about her past will more than likely put a damper on how she feels about herself. She might look in the mirror and feel disgusted with herself because of it. She will lose confidence in herself, and begin to hate you for this.
You have two choices, let it go: now, or move on.
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A
male
reader, R-W +, writes (8 January 2009):
R-W is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the help. I have been reading on rj/ocd. Honestly, I realize (with everyone's help) that this won't be an easy or fast process. Well, my fiance is basically getting tired of "waiting" for me to be fixed, so our relationship will probably be over soon, sadly to say. I am trying to fix this as quick as possible, but she is tired of it also, so it may be too late. It really sucks that this could be the demise of our relationship. =(
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (8 January 2009):
I have been dealing with this issue for a long time. Some days are good, some are bad. When they are good, they are really good, but when they are bad they are really bad.
On good days, I think, how could I have been so foolish as to ever think that way. On bad days I think, how could I continue this relationship.
There are not many bad days anymore, though from time to time negativity will slip in. Its no longer the depressive, heart gripping pain that turned my stomach and kept me up night after night. There are still spurts when I envision her sexual past with other men and yes it still hurts. But it is far and few, and the more I work on this the less it continues.
I know your pain, I know it from first hand. I also know it on the other side of the spectrum. Having an ex gf who was much more conservative than myself, her debacle over my past was a painful and destructive end to our relationship. I thought she was crazy for having issues with the fact that I had slept with 3 women before her. Now, I am where she was, except my gf is about 10 times more sexual than myself.
Sometimes I think, how? Why? What were you thinking? Was it worth it? Do you miss it? Am I better? Am I worse? But honestly, none of those questions are relevant and any answer to those questions would only further the pain. Any questions regarding her sexual past will only make it worse, no matter what. The first and fore most step you have to make to get over this, is to leave it in the past. You cant ask questions, you cant bring it up, you cant continually announce that you are unhappy with it. You have to stop discussing it, stop bringing it up, stop trying to reason with it.
Your thougths are obsessive, at least mine were. But, if you are in this situation, I would hope you could answer to yourself the truth that you have a problem, and that you are obsessing over this. It is a trait of OCD, and that is a good thing. Why? Because it can be fixed. It is fixable. It is possible. It only requries effort.
Step 1: Relabel
You must recognize these thoughts for what they are: obsessive. You cant just say ok yea I am obsessive, no... You need to clearly identify what your obsessive thoughts pertain to, and what negative thoughts are compulsive. This is crucial, because you cant fight a battle in the dark. You must be away of who your enemy is, and this is the first step.
Step 2: Reattribute
Now that you realize what your obsessive thoughts are you must realize that its not you, its your obsessive thoughts. "Its not me, its OCD". You need to understand that your compulsive thinking is in fact a medical condition, and that you can overcome this. You need to realize this and take it at face value.
Step 3: Refocus
This is the hard part. This is the part where you make a change, a difference, a step forward. Like others have said, the key here is to refocus your negative thoughts on something constructive, or something that will take away your focus from whatever negative thought you are obsessing over. This is not easy, and it will take time. But this can be accomplished. Your mind is like anything else, it adapts. If you continually force these thoughts out of your mind, you will eventually repel them completely. When you feel yourself getting worked up, you have to realize that you are beginning an ocd cycle, and that you must remove this negative thought from your mind. 15 minutes of your time should be more than enough to refocus your mind when a negative cycles starts up.
Step 4: Revalue
This is where it all comes together. The first three steps are a cumulative effect, meaning that you will only see results if you use all three steps together. They are a team effort, and work in sequence with one another. The last step, revalue, is the result of accomplishing the first three steps. After time you will you place a much lower value on these thoughts, decreasing the intensity at which you think of them in your mind. The feeling you get when thoughts of her past rush into you mind, that negative horrible gut bursting feeling, will in time begin to fade.
You may never be happy that your gf/wife was sexual with other people before you. That is fine, and that is not a problem. No one wants to think of their lover making love to another person. Its sickening, and even the most well thought individuals would likely agree. The issue is, you lose sight of what is rational, and what isnt. You obsess over these things, and you let them become more than what they really are. You cant let it become this, you have to step outside of your own emotional hell and separate this irrational thought from your mind... Because remember ITS NOT YOU! Its OCD!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Yes, this a tough one. Before you marry her, make sure that you have this settled in your mind. Pre-marriage counseling is good for you to think about these issues. If you feel like your overly consummed by this, it may turn you bitter and angry, which won't be good for her, or those kids who have been hurt thru one divorce already. Don't rush into marriage. If you take the time and conclude that you have found a sweetheart that rocks your world, don't mess it up, though. I would mention to her that you were a bit jealous about her past, but DO NOT DWELL on it. That will only make her feel insecure about you. She'll also want to protect those kids if she thinks you're getting cold feet. Don't remind her of her past, instead creat a happy present and plan a happy future. Even so, what you're experiencing is perfectlynormal, so don't be hard on yourself either.
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A
male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (7 January 2009):
 I have the same problem and even posted about it on here. If you're anything like me it's not so much oriented at her so much as the fact that someone else either did something with her which you two find to be special or was able to please her in someway at some point. The advice I got (from Gina) was when ever it pops into your head don't give it time to get settled in there and get stuck. Find something that requires you to concentrate on it or requires enough effort that you either will tune it out or think about something else. I believe Gina's examples she gave me were along the lines of doing some cleaning or house chores or whatever activities you enjoy that will distract you. I personally would probably go read a book or play a video game or something. Just try to distract yourself before it gets in there and can start to fester and eventually you should be able to get over it and stop thinking about it most of the time and know how to deal with it when it happens. If you love her as much as you seem to don't let it ruin a great relationship over something neither one of you can do anything about. Also make sure she knows not to talk about her past lovers or memories that you relate to them so that you're less likely to think about it. Hope this helps, just passing along advice I was given that made sense to me =)
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A
male
reader, MichaelS2 +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Don't worry!You say you love the children and they love you!That is normally the hardest part.You shouldn't be jealous!She agreed to marry YOU!She is with YOU.The best way to handle this is by talking to her!Tell her your jealous and insecure about her past.The only way for you to get over her past is for her to assure you that that was than an you are now and the future!
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