A
male
age
41-50,
*-W
writes:I am 27 and my fiance is 25. We have only been engaged for about a month (been together for 2 years) We are also getting ready to go to Pre-Marital counseling with the pastor at our church. I have no children, she has 3 children, that I love dearly. They even call me Dad. The only problem is that I believe I have retroactive jealousy. I cannot get over her past. It's seems like it it constantly on my mind! I am at the point that we are contemplating breaking off the engagement. Is there any way I can get over this? So I can spend the rest of my life with this woman in bliss and not my own personal hell in my mind. Please help.
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engaged, fiance, her past, jealous Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ramjet77 +, writes (17 February 2011):
I know this is an old post, but for the benefit of those researching:
1) Realise the problem is with you and not her past.
2) Realise that your fantasies and imagination become a vicious circle
3) Read the below
http://www.planetwaves.net/jealousy.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): I was the guy who posted on Feb 18th and I have been posting on other sites of this same subject. Just an update on my situation. I fell into a depression and new I needed help. I have set up an appointment with a Psychiatrist secretly from my wife because she gets so upset and I don't want my children to see us upset especially over this issue. She hasn't slept with me for a while because of this. She says I made her re-live past events that she wanted to forget and had put in the back of her mind. I made her feel dirty, and unloved. She said that she never thought of her past when she was with me. I couldn't understand that. But thanks to me she had some flashbacks and now she doesn't feel like she is good enough for me.
I never wanted this for her or for me. Why did it happen when things were going well for so many years? This is what I ask myself every single day that I go through this. I have lost my faith in god, and my hope of being truly happy. I know I need help, but my worst fear is that nothing will help me. My irrational mind tells me that maybe if I go and have an affair with someone, that maybe I will be cured. But I feel sick thinking about doing that to her. It's because I love her so much that I can't do that. It's also why I feel so possessive and I don't even know if I am normal anymore.
I have decided to at least fight my demons inside secretly and never let on to her that it is still a battle inside of me to let go of her past. She has let it go. I can't seem to do so. I can't let go of the feelings that she had more fun than I did when we were allowed to do so. When we were not married. I feel like my past is nothing compared to hers. She got to do everything that I always wished I could do. A few one night stands, a few long term relationships. Why was I not so lucky to experience that? Then she tells me that she was hurt and that each person attached to these experiences carries with them feelings of abuse, betrayal, low self esteem.
To make it worse, I run in to a few of these guys every once in a while. They don't really know me, and I don't really know them except one guy who is married to the family. So even if I try to forget, something real comes back to haunt me.
She will sometimes say something that hurts me bad, even though she doesn't realize it. The other day we went by the University where we both attended. I was a bit younger but we both attended this school and she said she would love to go back to her first year as a University freshman for a while because it was so fun to party and drink and have fun. My mind of course added "and have one night stands with guys you didn't really even know very well." I didn't get to do nearly as much as she did. I am a prude compared to her. Damn! It sucks. I am so immature and a loser. I know it. I know others will attack what I post. I know I have some self esteem issues. I always have. I am good looking, smart, I make money and provide well for my family. What more could anyone ask for. I also treat her well and am a great father. Yet still, I wish a stray bullet would hit me and that would be my way out. No hope is in sight for me as of now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): It is very hard to deal with. I had found out from my wife that she had a handful of sexual relationships. At first the long term ones were the hardest for me to deal with and then the shorter term ones really felt the worst for me because at least the long term relationships were loving and that I could accept. The short term ones were mostly physical and that just killed me. I never had that in my past.
But I dealt with it somehow for over 15 years. Then all of the sudden I stumble across a dreaded box with old memories and my kid opens it up and drops it on the floor. Out come some old pictures that were somewhat racy and worst, a bunch of love letters that were so detailed that I could direct a movie just by reading them. My ego died that day and I fell in to a self destructive depression and even considered driving my Truck off a cliff.
Of course, that was not fair to my wife or my children. She loves me and has been a great mother and wife. Even looking at all the good memories we have had I still battle with the retroactive jeoulosy but some days are good and some days are very bad. It's the night time that I still can't win the battle and as a result I lose sleep over imagining her past lovers. To make it unfair, I don't need to make anything up since in those love letters there were details about things they did together and there was even one about her first time! Why did this have to happen to me?
I felt like Satan himself wanted to drive me insane and destroy me. I was fine knowing she wasn't a virgin and I didn't care, but I didn't want any details. I lost faith in god and found it hard to find any joy in anything. NOTHING could seem to break me out of this mentality. Nothing at all. My own insecurities ganged up on me and made life so hard that I couldn't eat, sleep or even focus on work. This went on hard for about 3 months. Now I am able to carry on with life and found that a hobby such as going to the gym or focusing on my job and my kids helped occupy my mind during the daytime. I went to counseling by myself secretly and it helped a little bit. However, the night is still hard and most nights I think about her past. Some are worse than others. It is also hard when we are apart for a while because when I am with her I seem to focus on the present unless something she does or says "triggers" the negative thoughts.
My best advice is to get a hobby and make yourself feel good about yourself. You may never like her past, but you can someday cope with it if you really love her. Afterall, if you have been with her longer than the other guys, most likely the sex is better with you than with the past guys who didn't keep her.
No number whether it's 1, 5, or 50+ will be easy however the lower the better, if you are inexperienced and it also depends on how she accumulated those numbers. For me the one night stands are the hardest to deal with because my wife doesn't seem like she would do that but I didn't know her back then. I am not trying to judge her and I know I am. I just feel like I missed out on opportunites that I could have easily had. I passed up a few times in college because I didn't want to take advantage of the girls who while drunk tried to throw themselves at me. (Now I wish I had.) But maybe they had STI's or something and I was saved. Who knows. I hope for those of us with Retro-Jelousy that there is hope in something. I think medications and a psychiatrist are in line for me. I am feeling better with time though.
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A
male
reader, MBaachman +, writes (10 June 2009):
As someone who has posted on this topic before (I still cant believe how upset I obviously was when I wrote my post), I just have one thing to say.Get used to it.Most women (certainly not all) go out and have their fun jumping from prick to prick until they've had their fill. Then, they spray that thing out, freshen it up, and find a sucker like you...and at one time me...to father thier children. "Nice guys" can often end up at the end of a very, very, very long line. We're the fools who marry the party girls. And yes, I'm very well aware that guys do the same thing.I kicked my loose girl to the curb and went on a "getting ass spree". I'm now at a number to where I can reasonably assume that I'm as experienced as most any woman I'll ever meet unless she was a hooker or something.I know this answer sounds rude and I probably come off looking like a jerk, but my ordeal really affected me. I loved that girl more than life itself just to learn that she had had more pricks than a second hand dart board! Now that I'm more experienced, I dont have retroactive jealousy. I'm so much happier. I still dont call her though. Too much baggage for me.Still, I would never marry a woman who was ever an easy lay. Thats not retro jealousy - thats a personal standard. I know that makes me a huge hypocrite, seeing that my numbers have really increased over the past few months, but I dont care.Good luck!
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (8 January 2009):
 Jealousy is rife in the world today especially in relationships. Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of FEAR. So you see emotions like JEALOUSY, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (8 January 2009):
Im sorry to hear that. What you need to do, is put a stop to this right now if you want to save your relationship. She needs to know that you will not continually throw this in her face. She needs to feel that when you look at her, you see her for the beautiful loving girlfriend that she is to you, not the slut whore that you see in your head.
As much as your gf's past may upset you, you have to realize that it also upsets her. Her knowing that you feel negative about her past will more than likely put a damper on how she feels about herself. She might look in the mirror and feel disgusted with herself because of it. She will lose confidence in herself, and begin to hate you for this.
You have two choices, let it go: now, or move on.
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male
reader, R-W +, writes (8 January 2009):
R-W is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the help. I have been reading on rj/ocd. Honestly, I realize (with everyone's help) that this won't be an easy or fast process. Well, my fiance is basically getting tired of "waiting" for me to be fixed, so our relationship will probably be over soon, sadly to say. I am trying to fix this as quick as possible, but she is tired of it also, so it may be too late. It really sucks that this could be the demise of our relationship. =(
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (8 January 2009):
I have been dealing with this issue for a long time. Some days are good, some are bad. When they are good, they are really good, but when they are bad they are really bad.
On good days, I think, how could I have been so foolish as to ever think that way. On bad days I think, how could I continue this relationship.
There are not many bad days anymore, though from time to time negativity will slip in. Its no longer the depressive, heart gripping pain that turned my stomach and kept me up night after night. There are still spurts when I envision her sexual past with other men and yes it still hurts. But it is far and few, and the more I work on this the less it continues.
I know your pain, I know it from first hand. I also know it on the other side of the spectrum. Having an ex gf who was much more conservative than myself, her debacle over my past was a painful and destructive end to our relationship. I thought she was crazy for having issues with the fact that I had slept with 3 women before her. Now, I am where she was, except my gf is about 10 times more sexual than myself.
Sometimes I think, how? Why? What were you thinking? Was it worth it? Do you miss it? Am I better? Am I worse? But honestly, none of those questions are relevant and any answer to those questions would only further the pain. Any questions regarding her sexual past will only make it worse, no matter what. The first and fore most step you have to make to get over this, is to leave it in the past. You cant ask questions, you cant bring it up, you cant continually announce that you are unhappy with it. You have to stop discussing it, stop bringing it up, stop trying to reason with it.
Your thougths are obsessive, at least mine were. But, if you are in this situation, I would hope you could answer to yourself the truth that you have a problem, and that you are obsessing over this. It is a trait of OCD, and that is a good thing. Why? Because it can be fixed. It is fixable. It is possible. It only requries effort.
Step 1: Relabel
You must recognize these thoughts for what they are: obsessive. You cant just say ok yea I am obsessive, no... You need to clearly identify what your obsessive thoughts pertain to, and what negative thoughts are compulsive. This is crucial, because you cant fight a battle in the dark. You must be away of who your enemy is, and this is the first step.
Step 2: Reattribute
Now that you realize what your obsessive thoughts are you must realize that its not you, its your obsessive thoughts. "Its not me, its OCD". You need to understand that your compulsive thinking is in fact a medical condition, and that you can overcome this. You need to realize this and take it at face value.
Step 3: Refocus
This is the hard part. This is the part where you make a change, a difference, a step forward. Like others have said, the key here is to refocus your negative thoughts on something constructive, or something that will take away your focus from whatever negative thought you are obsessing over. This is not easy, and it will take time. But this can be accomplished. Your mind is like anything else, it adapts. If you continually force these thoughts out of your mind, you will eventually repel them completely. When you feel yourself getting worked up, you have to realize that you are beginning an ocd cycle, and that you must remove this negative thought from your mind. 15 minutes of your time should be more than enough to refocus your mind when a negative cycles starts up.
Step 4: Revalue
This is where it all comes together. The first three steps are a cumulative effect, meaning that you will only see results if you use all three steps together. They are a team effort, and work in sequence with one another. The last step, revalue, is the result of accomplishing the first three steps. After time you will you place a much lower value on these thoughts, decreasing the intensity at which you think of them in your mind. The feeling you get when thoughts of her past rush into you mind, that negative horrible gut bursting feeling, will in time begin to fade.
You may never be happy that your gf/wife was sexual with other people before you. That is fine, and that is not a problem. No one wants to think of their lover making love to another person. Its sickening, and even the most well thought individuals would likely agree. The issue is, you lose sight of what is rational, and what isnt. You obsess over these things, and you let them become more than what they really are. You cant let it become this, you have to step outside of your own emotional hell and separate this irrational thought from your mind... Because remember ITS NOT YOU! Its OCD!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Yes, this a tough one. Before you marry her, make sure that you have this settled in your mind. Pre-marriage counseling is good for you to think about these issues. If you feel like your overly consummed by this, it may turn you bitter and angry, which won't be good for her, or those kids who have been hurt thru one divorce already. Don't rush into marriage. If you take the time and conclude that you have found a sweetheart that rocks your world, don't mess it up, though. I would mention to her that you were a bit jealous about her past, but DO NOT DWELL on it. That will only make her feel insecure about you. She'll also want to protect those kids if she thinks you're getting cold feet. Don't remind her of her past, instead creat a happy present and plan a happy future. Even so, what you're experiencing is perfectlynormal, so don't be hard on yourself either.
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A
male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (7 January 2009):
 I have the same problem and even posted about it on here. If you're anything like me it's not so much oriented at her so much as the fact that someone else either did something with her which you two find to be special or was able to please her in someway at some point. The advice I got (from Gina) was when ever it pops into your head don't give it time to get settled in there and get stuck. Find something that requires you to concentrate on it or requires enough effort that you either will tune it out or think about something else. I believe Gina's examples she gave me were along the lines of doing some cleaning or house chores or whatever activities you enjoy that will distract you. I personally would probably go read a book or play a video game or something. Just try to distract yourself before it gets in there and can start to fester and eventually you should be able to get over it and stop thinking about it most of the time and know how to deal with it when it happens. If you love her as much as you seem to don't let it ruin a great relationship over something neither one of you can do anything about. Also make sure she knows not to talk about her past lovers or memories that you relate to them so that you're less likely to think about it. Hope this helps, just passing along advice I was given that made sense to me =)
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male
reader, MichaelS2 +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Don't worry!You say you love the children and they love you!That is normally the hardest part.You shouldn't be jealous!She agreed to marry YOU!She is with YOU.The best way to handle this is by talking to her!Tell her your jealous and insecure about her past.The only way for you to get over her past is for her to assure you that that was than an you are now and the future!
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