A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I ask him for some time, he is 44 and since we started he asked me to buy him, coffee, lunch,etc. We spoke about it and after two months he told me about an airfare reimbursement situation he had with his ex wife. The airline reimbursed both tickets into her account and he wanted her to give him his money. SHe refused and I told him to forget about it and to let it go. We were at a restaurant and when the bill came he slided it to me and ask me to pay...I felt insulted and that from there on I was going to pay for all the pain and anger his ex wife made him felt..pay for the mistakes of a relationship I was not even envolved in. He was in that realationship for 8 years, married for 2 and caught her cheating in the second year of the marriage, she was having an affair for a year. I felt he has been testing me and conditioning me by asking since the first dates to buy him coffee, pay for lunch, saying "hey I invite you to this show you should by me diner", and when I decide to take a big break since I don't think he is ready to start from 0 and have an unconditional and full relationship, he said I had never had a "gesture" with him...how can a girl have that kind of gestures since the guy start demanding for things since the beging...I used to spend time at his place, helping him cleaning it, gardening, moving furniture, buying him gifts, bringing food from my place, etc, leaving positive notes everywhere and he ask still for gestures???He cares about me but those actions really hurt. I am 34 and he is 45. He says money is not the issue because he says he makes good money and he does.He calls me at least once a week...I do love him...but I do not want to be treated like that..I am use to be treated like a lady, even my poorest boyfriend always wanted to spoil me. I am willing to give much more than money, and the are so many ways to have and show not only gestures but respect, adoration and love.I wish that never happend...Appart of that he had a fun relationship...Is this problem part of his past.Now that he still wants to stay in touch is there a way I can make him understand that waht he did was wrong? Can this be fix? I do not want to go back with him right now...he needs time to think and evaluate his actions. What should I do? I should I talk to him, how can he see me and appreciate me instead of seing me as a potential ex wife?
View related questions:
affair, ex-wife, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): I'm afraid this kind of controlling, guilt tripping behaviour is a classic early sign of a potentially abusive relationship.
Someone comes along with a sob story about how horrible an ex-partner was, and now they judge all women/men/people by that standard. They claim they were once lovely, caring and sharing and they got burned, so now they will treat people like crap and for some reason you have to bear the brunt of it. This is not fair. Six months or a year down the line, what else will he be suggesting that it is your duty to do?
In this modern age, i am very much in favour of women paying their fair share in relationships (just as I am in favour of men doing their share of the housework!). However, pushing the bill towards someone and saying "you pay this" is rude however you look at it. I mean, would you do that to a friend? Even if you paid last time? Of course not. It is certainly not acceptable on a date.
He obviously has very little respect for you as a person, and he is on the road to eroding your respect for yourself. What else does he think you ought to be doing for him?. My suggestion would be that you get out now, before he starts testing some of his other "ideas" about women on you.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 I wonder if it was his ways with money that caused the marriage to fail, maybe he treated his ex wife the same way, maybe, if a ticket reimbusement did exist, maybe she kept it to make up for money he owed her.
He sounds truly horribile, and I can't understand why you are still with him.
I think the best guesture you can give him would be the view of your back as you walk away. Nobody need a person like this in their lives, focussed on scamming people even for a coffee. He says money isnt the issue but it is!
For your peace of mind, more than for your pocket, walk away.
...............................
|
