A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have had a few partners and I am in my early twenties. However, every time i have ever had sex I feel so intensely self conscious of my body that I can barely enjoy the sex or my partner. I have a very pretty face and i have a well shaped body but I’m a little on the fat side. I'm what black folks calls 'thick' and that term is rather complimentary. But still, I don't like my body and worry that during sex the guy will realize that he doesn't like it either. Over the years, i have battled depression and gained a lot of weight in the process. I have finally reached a place in my life where I’m content and not depressed. But during that process I decide it’d be wiser to remain celibate and now I’m ready to date again. I want to be intimate again but memories of my past haunt me. Memories of being so self conscious that i refused to try certain position, I'd only do it lying on my back. The guy would have to really talk me in to it for me to do it. I've tried to talk to the guys about my issues and I didn't like how that made me feel--- real pathetic. I don't want this guy I’m seeing right now to see my insecurity and i don't want to refuse doing 80% of the things he wants to try just ‘cause of my self consciousness. I've broken the chains of a lotta mental anguish in the past; I want to know how i can get over this one also. the odd thing is, i am finally happy with my self image, that is until sex is involved. Just the thought of it makes me cringe. I want to be in the moment and enjoy myself. How can i shut this critical voice in my head and be in the moment?? How do I feel desirable?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): You would be surprised at how other people see you. The things I immensely dislike about myself are often the first things others will praise - and even after hearing them praise it I still wonder what on earth they are thinking!
I think imperfections can be the most endearing quality on someone, they are so very intimate.. lots of guys might have great arms or a great stomach, but that peculiar little dent on my boyfriends chest is his alone and that's what makes me smile when I trace my fingers along it.
We can't change how you feel about it, but I think you just have to take the leap... open yourself up to him and it will become easier from there.
It can be hard, but if he's the right guy he'll be there reassuring you every step of the way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): Whether you feel desirable or not, he will find you desirable otherwise he wouldn't be with you. He'll enjoy all your lumps, bumps, other blotches and scars or whatever. These things are what make you unique. Trust me, what you see as undesirable features he will see as endearing features.
When you have sex, do it with the lights on - he'll enjoy it so much more if he can see what he's looking at!
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