A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I'm really hoping someone else has gone through this and can help me.I feel as if I'm too attached and clingy to my boyfriend. Not to like an obsessive point, but more like I'm with him as much as I can be, I drop everything and anything to be with him or talk to him, and I'm just sad and lonely when I am not with him.I don't come from a good family and don't really have a relationship with any of them, and I don't have many friends at all because my old friends treated me horribly and I don't trust people very much anymore. To be honest, my boyfriend is really the only person I have in my life. I am dependent on him. I'm scared to death to lose him. What can I do to stop this behavior? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2013):
 Being aware of your problem is the first step in fixing it.
Some counseling does sound like a great idea. I'm a huge fan of counseling for pretty much everyone. It does not mean you are crazy.
Set some boundaries. For example if he calls and asks to see you without more than 24 hour notice... SAY NO. BE BUSY... even if it's getting your nails done or doing laundry.
Join a woman's club... I did that shortly after my first divorce in 1989 and met a woman who is to this day my BFF!
Do you have hobbies? NO? find some... running (running clubs are good ways to make friends too), YOGA CLASSES (mostly women) what about taking some craft classes to learn to sew or embroider or do other things....
Book Clubs?
Part of being a wanted interesting person is having your own life and your own interests.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): You cant depend on your BF to fill up your social void that is inside of you.What if his not there for you when you need him the most.Then you end up with a bigger void then before.I say its time for you to stop living in fear and just get out and talk to anyone you meet,exchange eye contacts,smile and actually listen to what they are going to say.You know Being a good listener can make a person charismatic.It sounds tough but you will be amazed with the results trust me.You will start making the other person and yourself happy and thats wonderful,no!?!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 December 2013):
 healthy relationships flourish from space, independence, respect, trust, and freedom. and both parties must be healthy independently of each other, in order to be healthy together. make sense?
have you ever heard that saying that you must first love yourself before you can ever love someone else? the reason for this is because if you don't love yourself, you will never know how to treat someone else within a relationship in a healthy manner.
unless you can learn how to be healthy and not make this man your whole life, your relationship will ultimately fail. it's an unfortunate fact. maybe not now or soon. but eventually, it most certainly will. you are placing too much on him. and he will never be able to live up to what you're expecting him to be. YOU need to be the most important person in your life. and he should just be an added bonus.
until you can learn how to not place such an importance on your relationships, i would try to refrain from them. but since you're already in one, i would try to take a step back. you have to learn not to place your entire well-being in another person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): You need counseling. If you have a poor family history, you may have some abandonment issues, and a dependency disorder.
People will ultimately leave you; because you will smother them with neediness. In time that becomes unbearable. The anticipation of their leaving causes you great anxiety.
You can't bear the thought of being alone.
You need treatment. Some people have the strength to overcome these issues on their own. You can't make friends, and you depend entirely on your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is your emotional caretaker, parent, and family.
That will become a heavy weight around his neck at some point.
You really need to learn to socialize and make your own friends. You can't seem to do that. So you need a mental-health professional to help you to determine why.
Let's put it this way. Get help, or you could eventually drive him away. We all have to know how to survive on our own, and still interact with others. There isn't always going to be a guy around. Your boyfriend will tire of you always being in his face; and following him around like a puppy. That's probably what prompted you to write your post.
You know there's a problem. So you seek help from someone professional who you can spend time with you; and help you to methodically work your way through the underlying issues causing you to be clingy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): First, I would like to say that I am sorry you are not close with your family and for how your old friends have treated you. And I know exactly how you feel because I don't trust people a whole lot either. That is one of the reasons that you feel the way you do. Your boyfriend seems to be the only positive thing that you have going in your life. I can relate to that as well because I have a guy friend that I feel the same way about. I feet sad and lonely when I don't hear from him, and I would drop everything to just have a few minutes with him. But you know you have a life of your own and you need to have your own interests separate from him. It will fill the void of some of the loneliness you are feeling. It's never good to be too dependent on a guy. But I can understand that you are attached to him and your behavior isn't unusual. You may also have abandonment issues. I became clingy with my first boyfriend and I was 23 and at the time I had a stepmother who I didn't get along with so he was everything to me and I was sad and lonely when I didn't see him. But I did have my sister who still lived home and I would tell her how I felt. In order to change this behavior is to feel good about yourself. When you are alone, Can you make yourself happy? Do you enjoy doing things on your own? Making new friends can be hard because you have trust issues so start with counseling if you can afford it, and if you have some hobbies or interests get involved in activities where you can connect with others.Getting out there and meeting people will raise your self esteem. And you can still be with your boyfriend and enjoy your time together. Take it from me I went through all the things you are going through and when you feel like you don't have hardly anyone in your corner it can feel lonely. I turned all of that around by not isolating myself. If I needed to I would call a hotline just to have someone listen to me. And the good thing about it is they can give you some referrals. You just have to check in your area. I really hope things get better for you and remember that you are a special person and you can feel better about yourself and when you do you won't feel as lonely. You will know that you can survive and still have a healthy relationship. And don't be afraid to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. If he is understanding he will stick by you. I hope I have helped in some way.
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