A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiFirstly I would like to apologise for the length of my post, I wanted to give you as much information as possible so you could make an informed decisionI was dating someone for 4 months and it was going along very well without any hiccups or arguments or anything negative. About 6 weeks ago we went away for a weekend and there were a couple of things that happened that I told her afterwards I was a little unhappy with, minor things such as when she quite badly scratched my arm when we were play fighting and I believe she played games with me at times. She had previously told me that she would be busy over June and I didn't hear a great deal from her which I expected. At first she seemed to be quiet but after that we spoke more. Then about 2 weeks ago I asked what the situation was between us as I had barely heard from her over this spell and we had only seen each other briefly twice and she was treating me differently. She said that her feelings had taken a bit of a beating after I told her how she came across on that weekend but were pretty much the same. I asked her to clarify our relationship and she got a little defensive and said we were seeing each other and no one else but that we were not in a relationship and she didn't want to define us.Shortly after this conversation we agreed to see each other a few days later. Shortly before we were due to meet she sent me a text message stating "I don't want to see you, it's over please don't contact me". 12 hours later she sent me the email below:“I don't know if this will help but here goes. I do care about you, I wish you all the happiness in the world, you are a very special man. The thing is you did hurt me and because of how I have been hurt in the past I switch off very rapidly, I don't even notice it until a few weeks later that I don't feel the way I thought I did. I haven't worked out how to get back through the barrier I put up, but I do know that it is better to end things now and not keep trying to get back to how I felt before. It just causes a lot of pain and I do not want to do that to you. I really wish I reacted better or that I had more control over how I react to certain things but I havent had enough experience to know how to stop myself before it is too late. The strangest things set me off they don't have to seem significant, what I am trying to say is that I am sorry, this is my fault. I am aware of this and I am working on it, I think it is just going to take me time than I thought. I know it doesn't help now I just felt I owed you a better explanation. I am really sorry things have gone this way, I had such high hopes and I really regret that my over sensitivity scuppered it, and I am really sorry that it takes so very little to make me run away and hide. You may guess from this I have calmed down considerably since this morning. I cannot talk this all through with you, but I can work through this in my head and try to make peace with it, I know it isnt good enough but it is the best I can do at the moment. Please take care, I am sorry I was quite so rabid earlier, I just felt incredibly trapped and may have over reacted a little... I think for now I do need a spot of space to get myself back to a better place. Thank you for offering me to come back and that we could ignore this episode, I dont really know what to say, I dont think I can ignore this as it has highlighted to me that I am more fragile than I thought when it comes to relationships but it means so much that you feel enough for us to offer me that. I am sorry this is such a rambling email, I am a little sleepy and it has taken me a while to get this far if you want to reply then that is ok, if you don’t then that is ok as well and I completely understand.”I responded to this email saying that we don't need to be over and for her to take as much time as she needs. After she text me stating it was over I text her back twice; first time saying let’s discuss this and I care about you, then secondly a text stating sorry that I hurt you and thank you for all of the memories. I didn't get a delivery report for these messages until 4 days later, and then it stated they had been delivered. Then I got a response almost instant stating "on a weird phone, will email you, at work at the moment". Then I text her back saying sorry those texts were sent the other day in response to your end ending it, I didn't want you to think I wasn't respecting your space. To which she replied "right ok thanks". I've not heard anything since or received an emailAnother point is I asked her to return my usb stick in the post which is said she would happily do, and if she didn't find it in the next few days she would replace it and send it to me. I also told her I had bought something for her a while ago and would forward it on if she wanted itIt has been just under two weeks since she emailed me and I’m desperately trying to respect her space but at the same time I’m a little confused of whether I’m being silly. This is where you wonderful people come into it (or I hope you do). I’ve spoke to my friends about it but I worry that their opinion are clouded by being my friends. Do you think there’s any hope for me and us, what should I do next and please provide any relevant advice? Greatly appreciated :)
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 my gut feeling is that you should probably consider it done:
1) she put up a barrier that is nearly insurmountable, according to her.
2)even if she is working on it, the fact that she's working on it solo, I feel, like, how are you going to 'start liking' someone again that you're not even in the company of that person? she's not ready for a relationship if she's not willing to work through it WITH you
3) this sounds like a more far-reaching issue than just you and her and it may take her a long time to feel ready to be involved, esp. with someone that questions her, maybe she's used to being right or no one has ever challenged her like you have and she's unaccustomed to it and doesn't like it (at least knee jerk reaction is she doesn't like it)
4)obviously, in the future, if there is one for you two, there will be conflict. that is life, there is conflict, we're human. if this fairly minor (at least from your eyes and the way you told it) incident set her off it's a little daunting to see how she'll react to a bigger blow up. or, you might change your strategy by treating her with kid gloves after this incident, which would render the relationship different, and could she handle THAT change, after configuring her brain around 'there may be conflict and i'm going to have to deal with it', i don't know.
obviously it's not as black and white as I might have made it; i think you could be patient with her for a couple of weeks longer but I think if it's been a month, you should probably buy a new memory stick and find someone stable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): Some men need to learn that no means no, and that over means OVER. She is a young beautiful queen, and she has all the right to decide for herself who would she like to be with and who may not. You have been extremely pushy and I can see clearly why did she run away. You're starting to come off as a creep. You better stop harassing the poor girl now, otherwise don't be too surprised if you found the police knocking your door.
I am so sorry to be blunt, but she deserves someone better, certainly. You, on the other hand, need time to be Aline and think of all your negative behaviour, and how not to repeat it with the next girl, or the outcome would be simply the same. Stop contacting her and harassing her PLEASE. She did nothing bad to you or to herself except having made a bad decision to start this relationship. What you think us live is actually possession and you're on your way to be a scary creep if you don't stop now. Forget about her and move on, and work on your own problems to keep the next lady, whom. I am really a but concerned about anyway.
Emily
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