A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so this is my problem. I am 25 and I have a five year old daughter. I have been married to her father for 3 years now, been together for 6. Our relationship was great (so I thought) until I started to find out things about him. Such as hidden phone with texts from girls, emails to his ex declaring his love. Every time I would find something I would confront him and we would have a huge row. He would apologise and promise with all of his heart to stop. Last year I found he had a internet chat account and he was having totally explicit sexual conversations. Girls were sending him photos. It turns out he even put up a photo of his penis!! So I couldnt believe it and being the fool I am I actually believed him when he said he was just being an idiot and he was a changed man. I then found out I was preganant. At the end of last year I found a hidden phone and he had basically text a girl asking her to meet up for sex. This is the first time I have known him to actually move his 'fantasies' into reality. I told him I wanted to split but I am finding it hard to do so. We just bought a home, mainly for our daughter and I am now 6 months pregnant!! I know it is terrible. I suppose it is my own fault for letting him get away with so much and I really would believe him that he was sorry. I have been with him since I was 19 so it is hard to imagine life without him.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 April 2010):
Ultimatum time. You're spending far too much time blaming yourself, and not enough kicking his ass. Either he stops, or the next time you dump him. You have young children, and a house, so in terms of security you will fine. But don't sit there letting this man who is supposed to love you betray you so much. You don't need it, and your daughter and unborn child don't need to grow up in a house with a poor male role model. I know you can't imagine life without him. But for a second, imagine it with him if he doesn't stop this. You will be stressed and unhappy, your children will be stressed and unhappy, and he will be getting away with everyone he wants.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (12 April 2010):
 You need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Either he cuts it out or you're leaving, divorcing and taking custardy of his children. Tell him he has to go to counselling, for couples and for his cheating. His cheating may be a fantasy, and he might not have actually crossed the line and had intercourse with anyone. But he has betrayed you and it seems he is only one step away from actually cheating. You deserve better than this. He needs to acknowledge what he has done to you. He needs to realise that if he doesn't change his ways immediately he will lose you. If he cant change, move on. You deserve better and there is better out there. There are more fish in the sea than there have ever been. I'm sure you can meet another guy who will be faithful in every way.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 The first thing you need to do is to stop blaming yourself. This is all his fault. Not yours. He's the one that chose to disrespect both you AND your kids by talking to other women like this. The fact that he planned to actually meet up with these girls is only the natural progression of his behavior, and even though you should have taken the hint a while ago, it's natural that you didn't. You loved him, and you kept making excuses in your head that things weren't as bad as they really were. Everyone does that to a certain extent. They try to ignore the negatives and rationalize why they aren't bad. And then when things get worse, they start to blame themselves. This self blame is border line mental abuse. Even women who are beat by their partners show this process, where they blame themselves for being hit.
So stop thinking it's your fault. That's unhealthy, and you are displacing anger and blame. You should be focusing it on him. That will help you push yourself toward the healthy decision. Sometimes, anger is good for you. It can motivate a person to do the right thing. The first step you have to do is realize that this isn't your fault, and what you've done up to now is what most people do. They take so much bad behavior until they reach a threshold to where they can't take excuses anymore. You have finally reached this threshold. Now what? Yes, you just bought a home. But homes can be sold again. I know you have a kid on the way, and another daughter too, but kids are tough. Tons of kids survive divorce, and a lot of them live good lives. In fact, I'm sure they have better lives with a single parent than they do with two parents that are constantly fighting and cheating on one another.
Work up the courage and ask for a divorce. This behavior of his is only going to continue, and you really don't deserve this treatment. You have been with him since you were nineteen, so you don't know what else there is in the world for you. There are endless possibilities, and you will definitely find someone who loves you more than this guy does. Through the divorce, you'll get child support and possibly alimony, so you'll have financial help. All you have to do is take the first step. Things will be really difficult, so have someone to lean on like a family member or a close friend. But in the end, you'll be much happier than being in a relationship with someone who constantly lies and cheats, all the while claiming that he loves you. That isn't love.
So stop blaming yourself, gather up some good old healthy anger, and file those damn papers. Women are tough. You can do this, and you deserve this. Cut ties with the leech before he sucks you dry. Best of luck to you.
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