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I am devastated to think maybe our marriage doesn't have a future

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Question - (4 December 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone, not been on here for absolutely ages and had a rough few years. So my question is the following! Sorry it’s a bit drawn out.

Ok so I met my husband 22 years ago at work, he was married to the daughters boss, but not happily. Anyway I was in a very abusive relationship at the time, and we became friends. Cut a long story short we broke up with our partners and ended up together 10 years later. Seven years ago after moving into our house I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after lots of treatment and getting the all clear I have stayed that way ever since. At the time I had cancer, I had an insurance payout that my husband wasn’t happy about until it had all gone. In fact he made my life pretty miserable while I was having treatment due to myself having money and he didn’t.

Then last year my parents died in a car crash, it was an awful time for me and my husband was pretty supportive at the time, until again I had money. I would rather have had my mum and Dad in a heartbeat, than the mone, something he didn’t seem to grasp.

In between all this we had 4 grandchildren from my kids who my husband adored. That was until his daughter came back from Thailand with her son. Of course we expected him to come first, but he has dropped my grandchildren like a ton of bricks, and he’s turned into this lazy guy who does nothing for me, but would take the top brick of the chimney for his daughter and grandson. I don’t know if there is any future for us anymore and I am devastated how he is acting. What should I do?

Sorry it’s so long

View related questions: at work, broke up, money

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI do think use both need to get help in finding a way back for this relationship because at the moment it is just simply not working, you are like flat mates not a couple.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you both for such great advice. I do love him, but your right I have lost respect for him. He is a very clever man, and can turn his hand to almost anything but just lately he won’t be bothered. He has a lot of pressure at work, and although I try to help as much as possible I resent the way he takes it out on me when things go wrong.

He now runs the company for his ex wife who does nothing at all to help. She is a nice lady but is a spoilt girl who thinks everyone should work except her. Not really her fault because thats the way she was brought up

He can be incredibly cold as well, my/our oldest granddaughter finds it extremely hurtful that he doesn’t really bother with her anymore, she is only 9 and doesn’t understand. We are her only grandparents, and now she feels she only has me.

My husband and I sleep in separate rooms most of the time, we don’t really have a sexual relationship at all. I do love him like I say, and it’s not my choice but I don’t make any move towards him because I really do resent how he is acting.

Is some of this my fault? I sound mean because I don’t want to share anything with him, but it’s because he just won’t even lift a plate to the sink anymore.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to be honest with him about how you feel. Reading your post it makes me wonder why you would be with someone who only seems to care about money. His love for you should over come all off that. You both need to sit down at talk to each other. Tell him what you have told us and give him a chance to explain his side. He needs to make more off an effort but maybe he has somethings that he would like you to work on as well. The only way to solve this is to communicate with each other. Some people get professional help for this is it has completely broken down.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (4 December 2017):

janniepeg agony auntYou have more control in the direction of this marriage than you think. Sounds like you lost respect for him as a man. You have a stronger soul and drive for him being that you suffer two major life tragedies but you still have it going on while he sounds like he's a deflated balloon. He only works hard when he has to and has only limited energies for a select few people at a time. In your post, I can't find anything that would remind why you love each other, and why you got together. It just sounded like you somehow got together because there were life paths that led you together but the glue, the love isn't strong enough to hold you together. Makes me wonder if you've ever been in love with him. None of what you mentioned about him is really grounds for divorce. Nothing extreme at all but if you are miserable why stay?

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