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He doesn't turn me on but I don't want to hurt him by dumping him harshly!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 December 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

One of my closest male friend asked me out 3 years back. He swept me off my feet with his romantic gestures and when he asked me to be his girlfriend i said yes to him.Some 6 months into the relationship I realised that I am do not have any passion for him. I have a lot of affection and respect for him but I would rather have him as my best friend and 4 am friend than as my boy friend. I like him more than I like any of my other male friends but I clearly dont want a physical relationship with him-he simply doesnt turn me on. I am afraid that if i hold on to this relationship and later get married to him, I might not be happy with him and both of us would end up feeling miserable. I have told him this countless times already, but he simply tries to convince me that I am confused and not aware of my love for him. The other thing is that this chap sincerely loves me ,respects me and is willing to go to any lengths to make me happy(it just that I am not able to reciprocate his passion and can only love him as a best friend). I have known him for close to 10 years now ( for 7 years things were clearly platonic from my end - he was in love with me all these years) and dont want to lose my friendship with him by harshly dumping him. What do i do ?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to realize now that he is no longer your friend. There are feelings involved and he is in love with you. You cannot go back to being friends, it would just continually give him false hope and hurt. You need to be honest with him and tell him it is over. He needs time alone to get over the fact that he is in love with you, and you need to respect him enough to not contact him and try and be a friend.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (5 December 2017):

Ciar agony auntFirst, you re-evaluate your notions of love & respect and what you think is 'harsh'.

This man does NOT respect you. If he did (and if he had a modicum of respect for himself) he would have accepted your first rejection years ago. Rejecting someone is difficult enough, as you well know. So what sort of person would make someone have to keep doing it?

He is NOT going to 'any lengths' to make you happy but to make you feel GUILTY. And it's working.

Just because a person is not EVIL in the sadistic serial killer sense does not mean they're good or mean well.

He is not in love with you. He's infatuated with you and his actions are all about him getting what HE wants.

There is nothing harsh about being honest, especially when we NEED to be and even when that honesty will hurt another. If you had to get stitches, would you want the doctor to work as slowly as possible and keep stopping because he or she felt bad about hurting you? Wouldn't that be worse?

Rip the Band Aid off once and for all. This man is not a friend, but a persistent suitor.

Make sure before you tell him anything that you change all of your passwords (even if you think he doesn't know them) and change the security questions to something he can't figure out. Tell a close, trusted FEMALE friend or relative what's been going on. You may need the moral or logistical support.

If you plan to break up with him face to face make sure it's during the day, in a public and busy place and that you have a handy means of escape if needed. And be sure to put a time limit on the meeting - no more than an hour. Absolutely NO crying, NO apologizing, NO admissions of guilt and no rambling. Sit up straight, take a deep breath, speak slow, remain calm and confident (fake it if you have to) and stick to the point.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not string him along. You were straight with him YEARS ago. He choose to be pushy. He's not an innocent victim here.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (4 December 2017):

janniepeg agony auntHe had incredible patience, bordering on denial to have waited 7 years. Your friendship with him will be miserable on both parts. On his part, it is built on false hope, and you are standing on this pedestal because he fantasizes how marriage life would be with you. On your part, you feel slight guilt of leading him on and also wondering what you have been missing out (like hot guys, passionate sex) by being stuck with him. It's time to take off the rose tinted glass and just tell him how it is. Physical attraction is something that's noticed within a second. It's a primal intelligence that we all have. The desire to have passionate sex is very strong. It is reason why people could risk everything (wife, family, kids, pets, house) just to have that temporary pleasure with that special someone. By holding onto this friendship, you are not doing yourself or him any favor. You are not dumping him harshly. He just wasn't listening the whole time so you have to be firm.

As a last resort he would be telling you everything to make you stay. Like lots of guys are evil; they are players. How you are lucky to have a good guy in your life. When you are stuck with someone you don't have passion for, you would pray to be single. A lot of women in the world can't afford to think of issues like these. Some are too young and uneducated. They marry just so they are no longer their parents' burden. You certainly sound like you have options. Don't get married if you don't have to.

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