A
female
age
36-40,
*llanon
writes:I am constantly upset and in tears and feel like my self esteem is shot and very insecure. First of all let me explain that I never used to be like this before, that is until in the last few months I have just started to feel like my boyfriend really does not care about me or care enough to not do things to upset me. We have been dating for a year and a half and of course we have our ups and downs like everyone but lately he has been doing or saying things that really upset me even thought they are only small i feel like he is doing them because he doesn't really care about me... For example last weekend i invited him round to mine for dinner at which he sounded keen and accepted the invite only to call me later and say 'listen i don't think i can make it as the car broke and it's a mission to walk 40 minutes to your house... so why don't you come over to mine later after dinner?' now it has to be said that i walk the 40 minutes to his house as i don't have a car, and dit it just the day before to come and see him. Then yesterday i sent him a text as he was working out of town and had to go by himself on his first assignment by himself... so just sent a message saying: Hey how is cardiff did you manage to get your train on time? (he was running late in the morning)only to receive no reply... later that evening he called me and i asked if he got my message and he just said... 'yeah sorry i was busy' and so on and so forth... whenever i mention to him that these things uspet me - he just dismisses it as ridiculous and makes me feel pathetic for even bringing it up. I used to just shake it off and try not to think about it.. but in the last 2 months i just start crying... Am i overreacting? am i just being a stupid girl?... there are countless more examples such as these whereas before he used to travel miles to visit me only to let me sleep on his lap in front of the TV when i was ill? what is happening? I know i cannot rely on him for my only happiness but i feel that if we are in love then he should be the person making me feel the best about myself and not asif i'm not worth 2 minutes of his time to respond to a txt message. Please advisethank you
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female
reader, allanon +, writes (11 June 2007):
allanon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone's advice. I now realise that I have probably been overreacting... as it has been a build up of situations like these and I have not addressed them and instead believed that I was not worth the attention. I do know that I need a little bit of effort from my boyfriend as he himself says that he can be lazy and I can make it too easy for him sometimes. We had a huge argument this weekend after which we had a really long talk and we have now agreed that he is going to try and be more thoughtful and I am not going to overreact at the small things. I really do love him and he says the same of me, we are eachother's first serious relationship and I potentially see a future with him... Now I have a task ahead of me to leave this insecurity behind and get back to the confident (non-teary) person was that I was before and who he fell in love with. He is coming to mine for dinner tonight and I really want to show him that we can be how we were before. But more importantly I want to be happy and not have all these doubts in my head. Any advice would be great
thanks so much
A
female
reader, Sincere_07  +, writes (8 June 2007):
Hi Honey
I fully understand where you are coming from. I am 23 years old and am currently with a 33 year old man. I get to the point sometimes, where i think if i had a keyboard on my breasts or a joypad on my bottom he might actually acknowledge what i am saying to him.
It is something my mother has always said to me and i hope it helps you with your decision, men do not and never will understand women. Anything and everything means something to a woman, if it be a cinema outting or simply a lovely evening with one another, it is guaranteed the event will mean more to you than your boyfriend, but do not take this to heart this is the way we are designed.
Men very rarely express their emotions and after the 6 month mark usually everything gets into that all to comfortable rut.
My advise to you is wipe your tears this mans behaviour is not worth it, BUT also look at it this way because he does not understand your feelings (and lets face it he is not going to ask you what's the matter either), this does not mean he doesn't love you in his own strange man sort of way.
Go to his house tell him exactly what you want and feel but, do not leave any room for error. If you miss a point out you can not then go back and change what your demands are, if you do this he will listen (if possible) even less than before.
Sit him down have a nice meal and tell him exactly how you're feeling and make some relationship goals. I usually leave a 7 day gap which is how long it takes for my emotions and anger to curdle, this time limit is obviously dependent on you as a person.
If you love him give him the chance, but do not think he is the be all to end all and life would end without him. If you don't make a stand you will regret it because it will be you at fault for not rectifying the situation when you had chance. This relationship can go one of two ways ditch or hitch.
I do hope it works out without you getting hurt to much, if not at all. Women are built of stronger stuff than men and you will get over it if you do decide he's not the one.
Always remember your fab, young and beautiful and your life should be about satisfying your wants and ambitions it most certainly should not revolve around another person. Always make room for people in your heart and let them share your life but never let them take over, you still have your own needs x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): From what your complaints are as written, it seems to me that you are expecting too much out of him and get upset over text messages not being instantly returned, when he did the better thing and phoned you that evening to "talk to YOU", I despise text messaging as I think it should only be used in emergency and not as a form of communication or to let someone know you care, it usually has the opposite effect, "she doesn't trust me, she is needy, she is stalking me, she is checking on my where abouts", men especially don't like this intrusion on their freedom.
I think you sound too dependent on him for your every happiness, I think you expect intimacy to be ongoing 24/ 7 instead of realizing and appreciating the Kodak moments when it does occurr, this is the norm. As your relationship matures, you ought to be able to be comfortable with the silences, you ought to not expect him to walk 40 mins to see him, and when you do it, it may appear that you are more desperate to see him than you should be. Strike a pose, show your self reliance, you don't need him to live after all, you want him and there is a big difference between the two. Start focusing your attention on the positive things he does and thank him for those things, men want to feel appreciated for the things they do, and resent it when you start expecting it.
There that is my advice....get a hold of yourself, woman!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Hi there
I fully understand your concern and I know how it feels when you are in love and emotionally attached to somebody.
I am quite a way older then you but I was very vulnerable at your age. I have gone through similar thing and worse myself. So my advice comes from the feeling of deep sympathy.
However there is an advice from an older woman who has now "toughened up".
Try to talk to him seriously but do not expect any specific results. If you manage, try to sit him down and adress your main concerns in a calm manner. Do not try to modify his reactions or force a "wished" answer on him.
Simply try to observe his reactions. Then ask yourself whether you liked his reactions or not, whether you think there is a hope or not. But it also might well be he does not want to talk. Most men don't but some at least agree to sit down and listen to you.
It is useless to try to modify his behaviour and his reactions. Only he can change himself if he wants to .
However, do not do a common mistake of young, in-love women: do not think it is your fault. Do not start to think and feel you are not worthy of love etc or there is something wrong with you. Most likely there is not.
Problem is most likely his. And to save yourself from a pool of tears and low self esteem, there is my advice:
tell him that it all really bothers you , etc, so he knows it. Give him some time and see if he changes.Set this time limit yourself. Ask from your inner self what the time limit would be.
If he continues in this manner, take hike. Take hearth and dump him first. If he is a jerk you do not have to worry about his hearhtache - he does not care about yours.
If you wait too long you might get dumped first and that will be very bad for your self-esteem.
And believe me, sometimes it takes time to find a right partner. It is not unusual. Meanwhile, build your career and things that do not depend on the man.
And be choosy about men!
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): I think he has certainly become a bit lazy, but relationships do settle into different patterns when there is less to prove. It does not matter if he takes some time to respond to a text message - perhaps he WAS busy - you are adding lots together and making a disaster out of it.
If I could sit you down I would be giving you a pep talk. You can't hope to make a person be/do what you need if you don't express your needs clearly. I don't mean in a nagging way either and I think you are a bit too tetchy to communicate otherwise right now. Are you hormonal? I get irrationally emotional at that time - keep a diary to check whether it falls into your cycle at the same times every month.
You need to get some power back - and if in doubt I always say - resort to humour. Where has the fun and lovely girl he met gone to and do you think you are behaving in a very attractive way with all this weepy stuff? It will do exactly the opposite of what you want. Men like to be with people who make them feel good about themselves, not like they are falling short all the time.
If he is too darn lazy to walk over to you buy him a foot scooter and leave it with a blue bow outside his house. Tell him you have set him a challenge which is to scoot to your house and collect a mystery prize.
Do whatever you want but you must get to the bottom of this over-reaction. I was helped with cognitive behavioural therapy which taught me to reach more logical conculsions to things that would normally freak me out. It could well help you too.
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (8 June 2007):
 you are probably stressed as u might work or in college and u have work to hand in that might explain why u r quite tearful. the relationship part i no u have tried but really talk to him u r feeling really down and ur self-esteem is low. u could go counselling if u r worried bout why u r so tearful. every relationship starts off so romantic and than it kind of dies down tell him that. as u feel like u r both in love i wouldn't say break up but like u say every couple has there ups and downs maybe this is urs. talking is the only way u r going to feel better about ur self and partly the reason why ur self esteem is low is maybe ur boyfriend isn't showin a lot of afection u said tell him that as well. men find it hard to sit down and have a heart to heart sometimes. good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Sweetie.... it sounds a bit like he's losing some interest and expecting you to do all the work and put the effort in. I know you've tried talking to him, but i don't think ur making him listen, be VERY straight with him, sit him down tell him how much he means to u etc, but explain exactly how he is making you feel, i think u will know from his body language if he's still intersted. Ur right though he is the person who should be making you feel most loved, if this doesn't improve i would suggest you have a break from him, let him see what he's missing, if he doesn't come back u'll know ur wasting ur time with him anyway. Ur young, don't do what i did and waste time worrying over someone, be strong xxxx
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