A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunties/Uncles!Okay this may seem like an unusual problem, my boyfriend of 3 years has started to nit pick and in my opinion pick at problems that are simply not there.For example the current problem is, he accused me of being "too happy and upbeat" that something was lacking in me, I am never sad or down. I was trying to cheer him up over a disagreement he had with a friend, offered to cook him his favourite food and run him a bath and he verbally lashed out at me. I then left his apartment without a word to give him space. I was very calm and he text me an hour later saying "You cannot even give me a proper fight". He told me something similar a couple of months ago, that we never had a chance to have make up sex because I am drama free and avoid arguments:/. I just don't understand him. When we first dated he said he loved I wasn't full of drama, straight forward and he said he liked my bubbly easy going personality yet now he dislikes the same things he first liked in me.I am beginning to think he either wants out of this relationship or is trying to emotionally abuse me as a form of control. I am an emotionally healthy person and I don't want this kind of bullshit in my life. I have no time for games. I haven't changed, over all I would say I am a good girlfriend to him and I care about him very much. Is he trying to abuse me emotionally or control me? or could there be another problem?. I honestly cannot see it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): I agree with Youwish about becoming a little distant, and see how he behaves then.
And kudos to you, you sound like a very easy-going, emotionally stable person. He can't appreciate that, find someone who will.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 I think it's the former, that he's wanting out, because usually abuse and control manifest earlier than three years down, and as you said, it sounds like he's starting to lash out at you in this way.
The other option you didn't name is that he's taking out his life's stresses on you, which isn't called for.
Either way, if your natural state is happy and optimistic, then don't listen to what he has to say. "Make up sex" isn't some stupid catchphrase. Fighting can tear up relationships long after the initial reason for fighting is gone.
Look him in the eye and tell him that you can't change who you are, and you don't want to. Tell him that if he can't accept you as you are and stop lashing out at you, then you're both wasting your time.
As for his problems and disagreements, don't worry about soothing his ruffled feathers or cooking his favorite meals. Let him hash it out, and when he's resolved it, make him cook your favorite meal. Seriously, be a bit emotionally distant for now. Change your predictable behaviour patterns. Stay true to yourself, but don't be so available and at his beck and call for every emotional stubbed toe, especially if he's starting to take you for granted.
Become busy. His texting that you're not much of a fight, tell him he's not much of a lover, and that you don't get into relationships for fights.
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