A
male
age
30-35,
*quiggledum
writes:Hey there, im a 19 year old guy just about to head off to uni in a couple of weeks, and after having thought that id remain single during my gap year after some very negative experiences (including a split in a long term relationship, some mistakes with -now sadly- exfriends and depression) I met an amazing girl and have been with her for over 2 months now. She lives 20mins away from my uni and we have decided we want this to be a serious relationship because we have both fallen for eachother quite hard.The problem is that I am afraid of jepordising the relationship because of my jealousy/insecurity issues over the amount of partners she's had. I have only been in one sexual relationship prior to this, whereas she has been with 19 people in the last half a year, in some cases in some scenarios that are frightening/unfamiliar to me (alot of anonymous partners after drinking etc). Also she has had sex with a couple of her friends who I will be meeting and I dont know how ill react. Its also worth noting that our relationship was very sexual from the beginning.All this was after she split from her 2year fiance, and we have discussed all of it, and she really really regrets alot of what shes done, and she is very sincere that this relationship means alot to her. She says it was to feel close to someone and better about herself for a short time but she hated it more and more afterwards but carried on. This is really understandable but I cant help but feel jealous and slightly insecure. I trust her, and I feel so great with her and its recipricated, but I bring it up when its on my mind and i keep upsetting her when its mentioned because she thinks it really affects me. I guess it kind of does. Is that selfish of me? How can I accept what has happened? Why can't I understand it when we've been over it several times? How can I get this out of my head so I can love her like she deserves to be loved - in the present as she is now?afterwards when we talk we feel better (after the initial upset) but i think about it occasionally and it really affects me, i guess because ive always seen sex as a major thing. i feel like ive been betrayed when i havent :(Please try to help, thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): Fisrt of all, got to say that I made a huge mistake yesterday night during her birthday party. This girl is sweet, beautiful, smart and apparently self-centered (thing that just happened to realize) and at this point we behave as if we were in a relationship already. I met her about two weeks ago in a club, the thing is.. that same day she met a friend of mine and he just went crazy about her..for real. For start I consider myself lack of self-control when it comes to jealousy, just let it happen without taking into consideration 'the other side of the coin' which might cost me what would be a beautiful relantionship. Point is, jealousy did nothing for me yesterday but ridiculize me in front of her as well as her friends...aweful and embarrising feeling by the way... Guess that I care about her so much and we have shared so many things in this amazingly short period of time that the whole idea of picturing her doing stuff with other men destroys me.
Am seriously commited to the idea of the perfect relationship but that 'is not so true' and these fights r not really helping me having just 2 god damn weeks knowing and exploring each other feelings. So the bottom line here is 'communication' - theres u on one hand feeding bad thoughts when u r not w/ her and u have her on the other one being herself and accepting be with u when she could've say just 'no thanks' or 'am feeling kind of tired'
Think about it and there's my example of 'how not to mess it up like I did'
A
female
reader, PsyCookie  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 I don't know how you can say that for you sex is a big thing when you yourself saidhat your relationship with her was primarly sexual when you met her. Yeah, right, that's important.
Sorry for being harsh, but you're really being selfish here. You understand her actions and she feels incredibly sorry and probably shameful of what she has done and she just probably wants to bury that in her past, but you just keep bringing that up in hr life.
So what do you really do by constantly thinking about her past? Can you change it? Can you really blame her for cheating when she didn't even know you? Can you blame her for her mistake? Don't you think that you doing this doesn't only affect you but her as well? Don't you think she wishes to go back and change her past?
So what you have to do is bury this mistake from her as the past if you still want to be with her in the future. You have already said that understand why she did all of this (she was very hurt emmotionally and needed an escape), and you realize that she's very sorry and that she will be loyal and loves you dearly, so why put this mistake of her up front? JUST BURY IT.
I know it might be hard, but if you love her you will stop forgetting about it. A good way to do this is that when you start thinking about her past, stop, and start thinking about all the good things she has done for you, and I bet to you you'll feel better.
Now, just try to value your relationship and focus on the present. She found happiness with you and you have lifted up from the ground she was laying on. So why don't you just keep on doing this? Love your girlfriend as much as you say you do and leave it like that. What matters is what is happening NOW and the past is the past.
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A
male
reader, Ivanhoe93 +, writes (27 August 2008):
 Dude believe me when i say i know what you mean... My wife has had a very well lets just say exciting past without me. And belive me it hurts me to this day when i think about it, i have to be around people she has had sex with a lot and at first i felt like crap.. But listien she could of had any of these people but she didnt pick them she picked you, she is with you right now not them. The past is the past there is no use being upset or mad about something you can never change. If your relationship is as serious as you said believe me things will work out, it will take a while to get it out of your head but eventually it will not bother you anymore.
I wish you the best
God Bless..
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