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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I'm having a bit of confusion here.I always thought I'd get married. Have kids, raise a family, be happy. My boyfriend always tells me how much he loves and how he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, after we graduate. I thought this was what I wanted. But now I'm not so sure.I was reading an article about how married men stop wanting their wives, and how wives become annoying bullies that often treat their husbands like children rather than spouses. It's sad. Now I think I'll stay single, because if that's what marriage is about, I don't want it!If I'm going to be stressed with the bills and the kids, and the fact that my husband will stop wanting me after some time but still will lust after other women, then I don't want it. Whether it be my current boyfriend or someone else, I don't think I want to get married if I'll turn into an undesirable witch to my husband's eyes! And that he'll want other women but not me, well, that'll hurt.I know my parents haven't had sex in years. They seem to be fine, they seem to be in a loving relationship, and yes, they get stressed with bills and us. But as I see it, none of them desire to have sex with others. However, I know I wouldn't like to be in a sexless relationship, where my man won't want me and will lust after others (to me this is disrespect) and may even cheat! I also wouldn't like to be in the situation of wanting to cheat because my needs aren't being met. So, why do people get married if it's such a hassle? What should I do, be single or in meaningless relationships all my life? Love sucks! It seems it eventually turns into a hassle more than the beautiful thing it supposedly is. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (6 August 2008):
Can you cite the article you read?
Yes, it's scary. But still . . . people get married. Marriages turn bad, and break up, and then . . . the people get married (again). Do you think that folks who simply live together never lose interest, nor become nags, nor abuse their partner? How about those whose love-life is a series of casual, short-term flings - do they never get rejected, or taken advantage of?
There is never an ideal time to get married. It always involves commitment, trust and faith. Commitment to the other person - by BOTH of you. Commitment to building lives, for an entire lifetime. Certainly trust and faith in each other. Also trust and faith in the future, and trust and faith that the "us" is more than simply the sum of "you" and "I".
At the risk of being accused of fantasy, or self-aggrandizement, let me relate a true - very true - story. This past weekend I went to a business where a certain lady was performing the tasks expected of her. I met her in a hallway after she had finished one assignment. Pulling her aside from the two people with her, I quickly pinned a simple corsage to her blouse. Nothing fancy - actually, the cheapest in the florist's catalog. She protested modestly, asking what the occasion was. I handed her the little card, on which I had written simply "35", and left.
About 5 minutes later she caught up with me; I had deliberately placed myself where she would pass. Somewhat disappointingly, but not entirely unexpected, she had figured it out: it was 35 years, to the day, since we had first met. We have been married (to each other!) for nearly 34 of those 35 years.
There are many things that hold us together. Three children, now grown (or nearly grown). A dead child. Some satisfying jobs. A failed career, now over 5 years of unemployment. Times when we acted in perfect unison. Times when we didn't even like each other. Decades of faithfulness, and times of unfaithfulness. Tender words of poetry and screaming fights. Sex? We took each other's virginity on our wedding night. It was lousy sex - and an awesome, meaningful experience. We have gone months without sex. We made love for an hour and a half on Sunday morning; she gave me sex for about 15 minutes just this morning.
Yes, marriage is a hassle. It is a mental, emotional and financial strain. And children are doubly so. Marriage is stressful. So why do people get married? For each other. And because perfect marriage, itself, is an ideal to strive for.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Hi, I think marriage is kind of fun! You have this great roommate who is also your best friend and bedmate and you can plan and do things together, and have lots of laughs and loving while doing them. The back scratching alone is almost worth it. You go through cycles of busy life, lots of worries, through more relaxed times when things run smoothly. You have someone with whom you can share your deepests desires, fears, hopes, and also all your random silly jokes.
Date nights are great! You don't have to worry if he'll want to go home with you. You can hold hands all the time, and share these secret looks that only you two know about. You'll be able to know what he's thinking even before he thinks it. He does things for you because he wants you to be safe, happy and loved. You do things for him because he's the best thing that ever happened to you.
It is so cool.
PS I've been married nearly 14 years.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Marriage is what you make of it. Not every husband is unfaithful and not every wife is a controlling witch.
Don't believe everything you read. That article was one persons perspective, but it doesn't represent all men or all women or all marriages.
But if you don't want to get married, that's obviously your choice and your right.
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